I saw the title of this song (by Robert Pierre) and I thought "Oh, great, a love song."
But that's far from what it is.
It's the joy...the choice to rejoice in heartbreak. God isn't breaking our heart like people do. He's molding us into the person He wants us to be, taking away the things we cling to so we can cling to Him instead the things of the world. It hurts. Oh, it hurts, so, so much. But it's beautiful - in such a painful way. It's...bittersweet.
You're breaking my heart - a little more every day.
There's little things that keep popping up in my life...sometimes bigger, sometimes smaller.
Knowing you don't belong there like you used to.
Seeing someone talk to someone else you really miss - who won't talk to you.
Little random, stupid memories that pop up in the most vivid pictures.
Watching two best friends together.
Not understanding how this could ever work out for the better.
Yet...there's this joy in knowing that there is something. Jesus is breaking my heart, He's pruning me to bear fruit for His glory. And it's so awfully painful but it's also so beautifully joyful. Because God doesn't just tear you away and then dump you. There are always joys in life, always beautiful, precious things to delight in - and He has blessed me not only with a few of those, but with some of the most amazing people to share it with me.
A dear friend of mine encouraged me the other night that sometimes seeds are planted when a huge fire or tornado comes in and carries them far away.
But I want you to know, brethren, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel...(Phil. 1:12)
I love how you are....breaking my heart. A little more, each day.
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 25
Sunday, April 25
Now a Memory....
...Thus was the course of my Monday-through-Friday-until-around-6:30-ish
Like I said last time I posted about the tournament - it was going great. I was looking forward to Friday and Saturday.
Friday evening, shortly after they had just announced that speech breaks would not be until Saturday morning (::grumble::), we were informed that the Chinese-style shirt I had worn for my Chinese speech (Illustrated Oratory - IO) was being thought of as a costume. We spent the next 2+ hours trying to convince them otherwise.
Their "concern" was that I had made a mental connection between the shirt and my speech, and that they couldn't have me "enhancing my speech that way". They also said that it would be an unfair advantage to other students. We tried to tell them I had worn it to previous qualifying tournaments and no one said anything, that I had worn it for my completely UN-Chinese DI (Dramatic Interpretation) and duo. But they were pretty much unshakable.
Slowly, with each passing question, they beat my dream of ever making it to nationals this year to the ground.
Have you ever worked for a long, long time for something you really wanted, only to find disappointment? I have never, ever in my life have a goal I was so motivated to work towards.
You think I was obsessed when it came to Bible quiz meets? To piano competitions? The Bible bee, even? I've never been obsessed with winning, so much as the process. Perhaps it's because I'm used to coming in 2nd all the time. But for some reason, I've never placed 1st in something huge (Awana Grand Prix does NOT count), but I've never been that upset over it. I'm content with 2nd, or 3rd - so long as everything was played fairly and there wasn't some sort of emotional battle going on (like games and quiz this year) while doing it.
But that's because I've never aimed for 1st. I've always felt that someone else would be there, so I'll just aim for 2nd place. You know what I did this time?
I aimed for 1st. I told myself what my friend has told himself for his competitions. I'm going to win this. I am going to make it to nationals. While I know I didn't put as much work as I could have (all that last minute stuff, you know....), I really put a lot of myself into it.
You know me. I love obsessing over things, being a perfectionist, and doing everything just right. I throw myself into something I love. And I haven't had anything this year to do that with.
But Tuesday night before the tournament, I realized that I didn't deserve to win. I didn't deserve to qualify for nationals. I had continually put things off until this last minute, why should God just let me qualify to a national tournament like that?
But oh, I had such high hopes. So I told God that this was His tournament. I told Him I wanted more than anything in the world to qualify for nationals, but if He didn't want me to, then I would still rejoice - whatever was His will.
I think He took me up on it - although I sure didn't think it would happen this way.
About a third of the way through that conversation, we had to pause because they had to go announce debate breaks. So I went into the bathroom, dried my eyes, and told God this was for Him...over, and over, and over again. Then I told myself I was fabulous, that everything was fabulous, and went back into the room and recited 1 Corinthians 13 three times through to myself before they came back.
And then they did. My brain kept spinning, they kept questioning me, repeating over and over again that I had admitted to making a connection between a Chinese shirt and a Chinese speech and therefore had violated the rule......
I understood their intentions. I understood their reasoning. I understood, and they knew it. But no amount of our position could persuade them otherwise.
But through the tears, some kind of peace kept pushing. My heart kept crying out that God had a plan, He had a reason. He was still sovereign, still good.
It could have been the sheer injustice of it all. But by the time I arrived Saturday morning, my entire club knew - and it was oh, such a beautiful blessing to be surrounded by people I loved and who loved me. By the end of the day, it felt like half the competitors were on my side.
After the tournament, they (the board of directors/interrogators) told me I would have broken to semis. (we asked for this information) I knew that was the case. I know I would have broken to finals, and I'm convinced I would have qualified for nationals.
But something in me kept saying, "look at all the ways God has blessed you. You aren't going to nationals, but look what else you have."
This is a poem that Gray wrote awhile back, which she shared with me after the tournament:
Lord, I come with humbled heart,
My pride has left my eyes.
I come a child, full of trust,
I leave behind all ties.
I come a child, unconcerned
With things too great for me,
I come a child, longing just
To sit here, at your knee.
With quiet soul, and patient heart,
I put my hope in you.
I give my heart! I give my soul!
I’m yours, Lord, through and through!
Like I said last time I posted about the tournament - it was going great. I was looking forward to Friday and Saturday.
Friday evening, shortly after they had just announced that speech breaks would not be until Saturday morning (::grumble::), we were informed that the Chinese-style shirt I had worn for my Chinese speech (Illustrated Oratory - IO) was being thought of as a costume. We spent the next 2+ hours trying to convince them otherwise.
Their "concern" was that I had made a mental connection between the shirt and my speech, and that they couldn't have me "enhancing my speech that way". They also said that it would be an unfair advantage to other students. We tried to tell them I had worn it to previous qualifying tournaments and no one said anything, that I had worn it for my completely UN-Chinese DI (Dramatic Interpretation) and duo. But they were pretty much unshakable.
Slowly, with each passing question, they beat my dream of ever making it to nationals this year to the ground.
Have you ever worked for a long, long time for something you really wanted, only to find disappointment? I have never, ever in my life have a goal I was so motivated to work towards.
You think I was obsessed when it came to Bible quiz meets? To piano competitions? The Bible bee, even? I've never been obsessed with winning, so much as the process. Perhaps it's because I'm used to coming in 2nd all the time. But for some reason, I've never placed 1st in something huge (Awana Grand Prix does NOT count), but I've never been that upset over it. I'm content with 2nd, or 3rd - so long as everything was played fairly and there wasn't some sort of emotional battle going on (like games and quiz this year) while doing it.
But that's because I've never aimed for 1st. I've always felt that someone else would be there, so I'll just aim for 2nd place. You know what I did this time?
I aimed for 1st. I told myself what my friend has told himself for his competitions. I'm going to win this. I am going to make it to nationals. While I know I didn't put as much work as I could have (all that last minute stuff, you know....), I really put a lot of myself into it.
You know me. I love obsessing over things, being a perfectionist, and doing everything just right. I throw myself into something I love. And I haven't had anything this year to do that with.
But Tuesday night before the tournament, I realized that I didn't deserve to win. I didn't deserve to qualify for nationals. I had continually put things off until this last minute, why should God just let me qualify to a national tournament like that?
But oh, I had such high hopes. So I told God that this was His tournament. I told Him I wanted more than anything in the world to qualify for nationals, but if He didn't want me to, then I would still rejoice - whatever was His will.
I think He took me up on it - although I sure didn't think it would happen this way.
About a third of the way through that conversation, we had to pause because they had to go announce debate breaks. So I went into the bathroom, dried my eyes, and told God this was for Him...over, and over, and over again. Then I told myself I was fabulous, that everything was fabulous, and went back into the room and recited 1 Corinthians 13 three times through to myself before they came back.
And then they did. My brain kept spinning, they kept questioning me, repeating over and over again that I had admitted to making a connection between a Chinese shirt and a Chinese speech and therefore had violated the rule......
I understood their intentions. I understood their reasoning. I understood, and they knew it. But no amount of our position could persuade them otherwise.
But through the tears, some kind of peace kept pushing. My heart kept crying out that God had a plan, He had a reason. He was still sovereign, still good.
It could have been the sheer injustice of it all. But by the time I arrived Saturday morning, my entire club knew - and it was oh, such a beautiful blessing to be surrounded by people I loved and who loved me. By the end of the day, it felt like half the competitors were on my side.
After the tournament, they (the board of directors/interrogators) told me I would have broken to semis. (we asked for this information) I knew that was the case. I know I would have broken to finals, and I'm convinced I would have qualified for nationals.
But something in me kept saying, "look at all the ways God has blessed you. You aren't going to nationals, but look what else you have."
- I qualified to regionals. Most novices aren't expected to get that far.
- Regionals was in WA. Normally it's somewhere else, like Colorado. That's far.
- If that wasn't enough: Regionals was 2 minutes from my house. A 15 minute walk. Closer than any of the qualifying tournaments.
- The only event I never broke in was impromptu (my DI, IO, and duo all qualified for Regionals)
- Alright, alright, it is my first year. (but I set high goals for myself, first year or not)
- My IO placed 2nd and 3rd in qualifiers
- God provided the means for me to compete in 3 qualifiers, one of which was out of state
- Our duo broke to semis at regionals - something I was not expecting
- My friends, Oh, Heavenly Father, my friends are such a blessing.
This is a poem that Gray wrote awhile back, which she shared with me after the tournament:
Lord, I come with humbled heart,
My pride has left my eyes.
I come a child, full of trust,
I leave behind all ties.
I come a child, unconcerned
With things too great for me,
I come a child, longing just
To sit here, at your knee.
With quiet soul, and patient heart,
I put my hope in you.
I give my heart! I give my soul!
I’m yours, Lord, through and through!
The Weight of Glory
Have you ever been in the place where you're so caught up in the mucky things in life that you begin to find your identity in your problems?
After my disqualification, I was trying very, very hard not to let this happen to me. I've done it with lots of other situations and I was sick of the depressing feeling and the tears. I didn't want to let it eat me up. As much as I love the comfort of my friends, I didn't want to be selfish and self-centered by trying to draw a lot of attention to myself.
It's hard to stay focused on God regardless of feelings. And by Wednesday, I was getting pretty bad at it. But about halfway through Wednesday, I realized that I could not let this get to me. I literally told myself:
Hannah. You are disqualified. You are not going to Nationals. We live, we learn, we move on. God obviously didn't want you there, so you need to buck up and keep going.
I think I had myself somewhat consoled, when dad ran and told me to get off the internet quick, because we needed to save bandwidth and Mrs. P was on the phone. (she was the assistant tournament director)
Almost the moment my coach said "we need to talk about your IO", I knew my dream of going to nationals was going down the drain. And the moment I heard Mrs. P was on the phone, I was almost positive I knew what she had called about.
....I was right. (::happy dance!::) Mrs. P was calling to tell me that I had received an at large slot for my IO. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
For those of you not in speech, "at large" is when you do well in multiple tournaments (I'm guessing like 4th or higher in at least 2 tournaments - but what does this novice know?) but don't qualify for nationals at the regional tournament. This "at large" slot is a spot in the national tournament!!!!!
So yes, in plain, beautiful, wonderful English: I AM GOING TO NATIONALS!
::calms down::
It absolutely amazes me what God can - and will - do, when we "carry on". Not just "*sniffsniff*, okay, I can do this" kind of thing. Really, totally, and fully realizing that God has a greater purpose, and continuing on in the faith that He will reveal it to you in time.
Saying that "there is a reason, there is a hope, God is still good, He is GOD, and I will worship Him no matter what" is precious in the dark. It's what you hold onto.
I've never felt such peace about accepting God's will before. About letting go, and throwing myself into the trust of my Heavenly Father. And when I did, it suddenly put into perspective all the other things that were only partially surrendered to God. Things like church and friendships. While I've tried to surrender them to God, I always seemed to "find identity" in those problems. This problem was just as emotional - but comparatively smaller than others - which put it into perspective for me what it means to surrender something to God.
It is not until we do that that the morning can come. And no matter how long it takes to dawn, whether it be a month, a year, or 5 days as it did for me, this is my prayer - With everything I am, and everything I have - I dedicate myself to doing one thing well: I will love you.
After my disqualification, I was trying very, very hard not to let this happen to me. I've done it with lots of other situations and I was sick of the depressing feeling and the tears. I didn't want to let it eat me up. As much as I love the comfort of my friends, I didn't want to be selfish and self-centered by trying to draw a lot of attention to myself.
It's hard to stay focused on God regardless of feelings. And by Wednesday, I was getting pretty bad at it. But about halfway through Wednesday, I realized that I could not let this get to me. I literally told myself:
Hannah. You are disqualified. You are not going to Nationals. We live, we learn, we move on. God obviously didn't want you there, so you need to buck up and keep going.
I think I had myself somewhat consoled, when dad ran and told me to get off the internet quick, because we needed to save bandwidth and Mrs. P was on the phone. (she was the assistant tournament director)
Almost the moment my coach said "we need to talk about your IO", I knew my dream of going to nationals was going down the drain. And the moment I heard Mrs. P was on the phone, I was almost positive I knew what she had called about.
....I was right. (::happy dance!::) Mrs. P was calling to tell me that I had received an at large slot for my IO. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
For those of you not in speech, "at large" is when you do well in multiple tournaments (I'm guessing like 4th or higher in at least 2 tournaments - but what does this novice know?) but don't qualify for nationals at the regional tournament. This "at large" slot is a spot in the national tournament!!!!!
So yes, in plain, beautiful, wonderful English: I AM GOING TO NATIONALS!
::calms down::
It absolutely amazes me what God can - and will - do, when we "carry on". Not just "*sniffsniff*, okay, I can do this" kind of thing. Really, totally, and fully realizing that God has a greater purpose, and continuing on in the faith that He will reveal it to you in time.
Saying that "there is a reason, there is a hope, God is still good, He is GOD, and I will worship Him no matter what" is precious in the dark. It's what you hold onto.
I've never felt such peace about accepting God's will before. About letting go, and throwing myself into the trust of my Heavenly Father. And when I did, it suddenly put into perspective all the other things that were only partially surrendered to God. Things like church and friendships. While I've tried to surrender them to God, I always seemed to "find identity" in those problems. This problem was just as emotional - but comparatively smaller than others - which put it into perspective for me what it means to surrender something to God.
It is not until we do that that the morning can come. And no matter how long it takes to dawn, whether it be a month, a year, or 5 days as it did for me, this is my prayer - With everything I am, and everything I have - I dedicate myself to doing one thing well: I will love you.
Monday, February 8
Endless Emotions
Awhile ago, I wrote something along these lines in my facebook status: (although it was much shorter than this to accommodate facebook's word limit)
Chopin's thought process while writing his prelude in C♯ minor:
"I think I'll write a random prelude. Let's give it 4 sharps...and make it in C♯ minor."
::poses thoughtfully::
"I'll make a gorgeous melody, quite simple, for the first page. But then, I think I'll take ALL those notes and turn them into FLATS! Yes!"
::rubs hands together gleefully::
"Next, I think I'll write it so that the pedaling is so intricately delicate that students will get foot cramps trying to do it right"
::scribbles notes madly::
"Oooh! I have an idea. Let's put in a cadenza at the end. A *chromatic* one."
::the scheme deepens::
"Not only that, but why don't we make it be chromatic in FOUR DIFFERENT PATTERNS!"
::triumphantly publishes music, only to have it become a rarely played piece, left alone as the only piece in Op. 45::
As you can probably see, the learning process of this piece has not exactly been pleasant.
But if you look beyond that - the world of classical music is so intricately deep, with things you never imagined weaved into a single note.
I just finished up 2.5 hours of piano practice, with about 1 hour of that consisting of Chopin. But today was not a day of tedious chromatic scales and foot-cramping pedal patterns - today was a day of discovery.
Previously, my teacher asked me what I thought of when I thought of this piece. She wanted a story for me to think of.
I told her that it wasn't the type of piece that could be expressed with something material. It was an emotion, a color....anything but something you could touch or see or express in concrete terms.
So, taking the situation I was currently in, I played it with the kind of emotion that comes from pain, from something lost, from something you so desperately need.
Today I discovered that it's not that kind of a piece - at all.
I like to call a piece of joyful serenity made perfect with pain and sweetened with God's grace, blessings, and love.
It's the joy you find in the midst of the pain.
The peace you find to accept what you have lost.
The grace God gives you to give up what you know you cannot keep.
The blessings He lavishes upon you to show you His everlasting, eternal, all-encompassing love.
It's not bittersweet, because it's not both at once. It's not just plain happiness, because there is pain in there.
You've probably heard that it's the darkness that makes the light beautiful. It's the pain that makes the healing wonderful.
This piece is a full, deep, meaningful joy that you won't experience fully unless you have endured the pain beforehand.
Doesn't the depth of music that God has created excite you? Does it not leave you in awe and wonder of our Father in heaven?
There are so many different feelings you can pull out of this piece, and that's why I love it.
Love...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
PS - I wish I had a decent recording to give you, but I don't. I will be recording all my pieces at some point though, so eventually I will be able to share it with you.
Chopin's thought process while writing his prelude in C♯ minor:
"I think I'll write a random prelude. Let's give it 4 sharps...and make it in C♯ minor."
::poses thoughtfully::
"I'll make a gorgeous melody, quite simple, for the first page. But then, I think I'll take ALL those notes and turn them into FLATS! Yes!"
::rubs hands together gleefully::
"Next, I think I'll write it so that the pedaling is so intricately delicate that students will get foot cramps trying to do it right"
::scribbles notes madly::
"Oooh! I have an idea. Let's put in a cadenza at the end. A *chromatic* one."
::the scheme deepens::
"Not only that, but why don't we make it be chromatic in FOUR DIFFERENT PATTERNS!"
::triumphantly publishes music, only to have it become a rarely played piece, left alone as the only piece in Op. 45::
As you can probably see, the learning process of this piece has not exactly been pleasant.
But if you look beyond that - the world of classical music is so intricately deep, with things you never imagined weaved into a single note.
I just finished up 2.5 hours of piano practice, with about 1 hour of that consisting of Chopin. But today was not a day of tedious chromatic scales and foot-cramping pedal patterns - today was a day of discovery.
Previously, my teacher asked me what I thought of when I thought of this piece. She wanted a story for me to think of.
I told her that it wasn't the type of piece that could be expressed with something material. It was an emotion, a color....anything but something you could touch or see or express in concrete terms.
So, taking the situation I was currently in, I played it with the kind of emotion that comes from pain, from something lost, from something you so desperately need.
Today I discovered that it's not that kind of a piece - at all.
I like to call a piece of joyful serenity made perfect with pain and sweetened with God's grace, blessings, and love.
It's the joy you find in the midst of the pain.
The peace you find to accept what you have lost.
The grace God gives you to give up what you know you cannot keep.
The blessings He lavishes upon you to show you His everlasting, eternal, all-encompassing love.
It's not bittersweet, because it's not both at once. It's not just plain happiness, because there is pain in there.
You've probably heard that it's the darkness that makes the light beautiful. It's the pain that makes the healing wonderful.
This piece is a full, deep, meaningful joy that you won't experience fully unless you have endured the pain beforehand.
Doesn't the depth of music that God has created excite you? Does it not leave you in awe and wonder of our Father in heaven?
There are so many different feelings you can pull out of this piece, and that's why I love it.
Love...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
PS - I wish I had a decent recording to give you, but I don't. I will be recording all my pieces at some point though, so eventually I will be able to share it with you.
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