We have a new doormat.

We say "dare to be different."
We say "Be yourself"
"Don't run from who you are."
"Go against the flow."

But you know...we'll only go so far.

We'll only be as different and radical as we can be while still looking nice on the outside. We think, "there's nothing wrong with being a Christian and still dressing nicely."

We've got to be perfect Christian models. We have to shine for Christ. Show the world that Christians can be normal too.

....

With an attitude like that, sometimes I wonder how I can call myself a follower of Christ. I forget it's not about shining for Jesus...it's shining because of Jesus. Being a Christian isn't a way of life - it is my life.

When Jesus says to forsake all, He really means ALL. For me, that means giving up this desire I cling to to be loved by people. To be cared about. I want people to tell me that they love me, that they care about me, and to show it. But Jesus calls us to give up the things of this world.

It's easier to not do what everyone else is doing than to do what everyone else is not doing.

It's easy to fall to the back of the line in quiet rebellion of the mainstream of the world. But it's a completely different story to be so radically different that you could be trampled on for what you are believing.

It's one thing to follow God's way of service if you are regarded as a hero, but quite another thing if the road marked out for you by God requires becoming a "doormat" under other people's feet....Are you ready to be sacrificed like that? Are you ready to be less than a mere drop in the bucket -- to be so totally insignificant that no one remembers you even if they think about those you served? [Oswald Chambers]

It's not so hard to go against the world. Because it's all black and white, in a lot of cases. But why, oh why am I so afraid of what other Christians think?

Maybe because I think the same way.
I judge people. I put them in boxes. I say "I must be a better Christian since I do/don't do that."
"Wow, they do that?! How could they be Christian??"

Oh, my wretched heart.
Dare to go against the mainstream.
To be so different that to the world you may not even exist.
But to God --

To God you are a precious gem in the palm of His hand.

Now a Memory....

...Thus was the course of my Monday-through-Friday-until-around-6:30-ish

Like I said last time I posted about the tournament - it was going great. I was looking forward to Friday and Saturday.

Friday evening, shortly after they had just announced that speech breaks would not be until Saturday morning (::grumble::), we were informed that the Chinese-style shirt I had worn for my Chinese speech (Illustrated Oratory - IO) was being thought of as a costume. We spent the next 2+ hours trying to convince them otherwise.

Their "concern" was that I had made a mental connection between the shirt and my speech, and that they couldn't have me "enhancing my speech that way". They also said that it would be an unfair advantage to other students. We tried to tell them I had worn it to previous qualifying tournaments and no one said anything, that I had worn it for my completely UN-Chinese DI (Dramatic Interpretation) and duo. But they were pretty much unshakable.

Slowly, with each passing question, they beat my dream of ever making it to nationals this year to the ground.

Have you ever worked for a long, long time for something you really wanted, only to find disappointment? I have never, ever in my life have a goal I was so motivated to work towards.

You think I was obsessed when it came to Bible quiz meets? To piano competitions? The Bible bee, even? I've never been obsessed with winning, so much as the process. Perhaps it's because I'm used to coming in 2nd all the time. But for some reason, I've never placed 1st in something huge (Awana Grand Prix does NOT count), but I've never been that upset over it. I'm content with 2nd, or 3rd - so long as everything was played fairly and there wasn't some sort of emotional battle going on (like games and quiz this year) while doing it.

But that's because I've never aimed for 1st. I've always felt that someone else would be there, so I'll just aim for 2nd place. You know what I did this time?

I aimed for 1st. I told myself what my friend has told himself for his competitions. I'm going to win this. I am going to make it to nationals. While I know I didn't put as much work as I could have (all that last minute stuff, you know....), I really put a lot of myself into it.

You know me. I love obsessing over things, being a perfectionist, and doing everything just right. I throw myself into something I love. And I haven't had anything this year to do that with.

But Tuesday night before the tournament, I realized that I didn't deserve to win. I didn't deserve to qualify for nationals. I had continually put things off until this last minute, why should God just let me qualify to a national tournament like that?

But oh, I had such high hopes. So I told God that this was His tournament. I told Him I wanted more than anything in the world to qualify for nationals, but if He didn't want me to, then I would still rejoice - whatever was His will.

I think He took me up on it - although I sure didn't think it would happen this way.

About a third of the way through that conversation, we had to pause because they had to go announce debate breaks. So I went into the bathroom, dried my eyes, and told God this was for Him...over, and over, and over again. Then I told myself I was fabulous, that everything was fabulous, and went back into the room and recited 1 Corinthians 13 three times through to myself before they came back.

And then they did. My brain kept spinning, they kept questioning me, repeating over and over again that I had admitted to making a connection between a Chinese shirt and a Chinese speech and therefore had violated the rule......

I understood their intentions. I understood their reasoning. I understood, and they knew it. But no amount of our position could persuade them otherwise.

But through the tears, some kind of peace kept pushing. My heart kept crying out that God had a plan, He had a reason. He was still sovereign, still good.

It could have been the sheer injustice of it all. But by the time I arrived Saturday morning, my entire club knew - and it was oh, such a beautiful blessing to be surrounded by people I loved and who loved me. By the end of the day, it felt like half the competitors were on my side.

After the tournament, they (the board of directors/interrogators) told me I would have broken to semis. (we asked for this information) I knew that was the case. I know I would have broken to finals, and I'm convinced I would have qualified for nationals.

But something in me kept saying, "look at all the ways God has blessed you. You aren't going to nationals, but look what else you have."

• I qualified to regionals. Most novices aren't expected to get that far.
  
• Regionals was in WA. Normally it's somewhere else, like Colorado. That's far.
  
• If that wasn't enough: Regionals was 2 minutes from my house. A 15 minute walk. Closer than any of the qualifying tournaments.
  
• The only event I never broke in was impromptu (my DI, IO, and duo all qualified for Regionals)
• Alright, alright, it is my first year. (but I set high goals for myself, first year or not)
  
• My IO placed 2nd and 3rd in qualifiers
• God provided the means for me to compete in 3 qualifiers, one of which was out of state
• Our duo broke to semis at regionals - something I was not expecting
  
• My friends, Oh, Heavenly Father, my friends are such a blessing.

The worship that morning was somehow geared exactly towards everything that had happened. I left the tournament knowing that God had a reason, a plan, and a purpose - regardless of how much it hurt - even if I never went to nationals.

This is a poem that Gray wrote awhile back, which she shared with me after the tournament:

Lord, I come with humbled heart,
My pride has left my eyes.
I come a child, full of trust,
I leave behind all ties.
I come a child, unconcerned
With things too great for me,
I come a child, longing just
To sit here, at your knee.
With quiet soul, and patient heart,
I put my hope in you.
I give my heart! I give my soul!
I’m yours, Lord, through and through!

The Weight of Glory

Have you ever been in the place where you're so caught up in the mucky things in life that you begin to find your identity in your problems?

After my disqualification, I was trying very, very hard not to let this happen to me. I've done it with lots of other situations and I was sick of the depressing feeling and the tears. I didn't want to let it eat me up. As much as I love the comfort of my friends, I didn't want to be selfish and self-centered by trying to draw a lot of attention to myself.

It's hard to stay focused on God regardless of feelings. And by Wednesday, I was getting pretty bad at it. But about halfway through Wednesday, I realized that I could not let this get to me. I literally told myself:

Hannah. You are disqualified. You are not going to Nationals. We live, we learn, we move on. God obviously didn't want you there, so you need to buck up and keep going.

I think I had myself somewhat consoled, when dad ran and told me to get off the internet quick, because we needed to save bandwidth and Mrs. P was on the phone. (she was the assistant tournament director)

Almost the moment my coach said "we need to talk about your IO", I knew my dream of going to nationals was going down the drain. And the moment I heard Mrs. P was on the phone, I was almost positive I knew what she had called about.

....I was right. (::happy dance!::) Mrs. P was calling to tell me that I had received an at large slot for my IO. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

For those of you not in speech, "at large" is when you do well in multiple tournaments (I'm guessing like 4th or higher in at least 2 tournaments - but what does this novice know?) but don't qualify for nationals at the regional tournament. This "at large" slot is a spot in the national tournament!!!!!

So yes, in plain, beautiful, wonderful English: I AM GOING TO NATIONALS!

::calms down::

It absolutely amazes me what God can - and will - do, when we "carry on". Not just "*sniffsniff*, okay, I can do this" kind of thing. Really, totally, and fully realizing that God has a greater purpose, and continuing on in the faith that He will reveal it to you in time.

Saying that "there is a reason, there is a hope, God is still good, He is GOD, and I will worship Him no matter what" is precious in the dark. It's what you hold onto.

I've never felt such peace about accepting God's will before. About letting go, and throwing myself into the trust of my Heavenly Father. And when I did, it suddenly put into perspective all the other things that were only partially surrendered to God. Things like church and friendships. While I've tried to surrender them to God, I always seemed to "find identity" in those problems. This problem was just as emotional - but comparatively smaller than others - which put it into perspective for me what it means to surrender something to God.

It is not until we do that that the morning can come. And no matter how long it takes to dawn, whether it be a month, a year, or 5 days as it did for me, this is my prayer - With everything I am, and everything I have - I dedicate myself to doing one thing well: I will love you.

Life IS Pain, Highness

Most of you know I was in a speech tournament last week. On finals day, I watched Sarah Klein's thematic interpretation. Part of it consisted of this poem, which would have made me cry if I hadn't used up all of my tears the night before. She's such a good speaker, and she interp'ed it extremely well.

(don't worry. I promise that by the end of this month I will have a full explanation, pictures, videos, and lots of other things from all the speech things I've been doing recently.)

It's called "Carry On", by Robert Service

It's easy to fight when everything's right,
And you're mad with the thrill and the glory;
It's easy to cheer when victory's near,
And wallow in fields that are gory.
It's a different song when everything's wrong,
When you're feeling infernally mortal;
When it's ten against one, and hope there is none,
Buck up, little soldier, and chortle:

Carry on! Carry on!
There isn't much punch in your blow.
You're glaring and staring and hitting out blind;
You're muddy and bloody, but never you mind.
Carry on! Carry on!
You haven't the ghost of a show.
It's looking like death, but while you've a breath,
Carry on, my son! Carry on!

And so in the strife of the battle of life
It's easy to fight when you're winning;
It's easy to slave, and starve and be brave,
When the dawn of success is beginning.
But the man who can meet despair and defeat
With a cheer, there's the man of God's choosing;
The man who can fight to Heaven's own height
Is the man who can fight when he's losing.

Carry on! Carry on!
Things never were looming so black.
But show that you haven't a cowardly streak,
And though you're unlucky you never are weak.
Carry on! Carry on!
Brace up for another attack.
It's looking like hell, but -- you never can tell:
Carry on, old man! Carry on!

There are some who drift out in the deserts of doubt,
And some who in brutishness wallow;
There are others, I know, who in piety go
Because of a Heaven to follow.
But to labour with zest, and to give of your best,
For the sweetness and joy of the giving;
To help folks along with a hand and a song;
Why, there's the real sunshine of living.

Carry on! Carry on!
Fight the good fight and true;
Believe in your mission, greet life with a cheer;
There's big work to do, and that's why you are here.
Carry on! Carry on!
Let the world be the better for you;
And at last when you die, let this be your cry:
Carry on, my soul! Carry on!

What about your turban?

Our neighborhood is nearly entirely inhabited by Sikhs and Muslims. (You know, the turbaned people who drive taxis and pray five times a day and paint their houses neon orange)

But they're dedicated, rather peaceful people, actually. (at least the ones around us!)

I'm always seeing them walking and doing those weird stretches at the park. If you smile at them, they smile and nod, and sometimes they'll let they're overly hyper child pet your dog.

If you happen to be introduced to one by one of their English speaking children, they are always quite cheerful and happy to meet you.

And if you've ever had the opportunity to poke your head into their house, you would see rugs galore, tapestries, doorsigns, photos, and mats. There would also be a pleasant smell of food that lingers just about all the time. Their gardens are full of all sorts of fruits, vegetables, and other exotic plants.

Living in a neighborhood surrounded by them, I've met a couple myself. And they really are quite pleasant people.

They do all of this in their headcoverings, pillowing dresses, braids, turbans, and ancient slippers.

No matter how spiritually lost they may be, you've got to admire commitment like that. This is in today's world - where we are constantly being pushed and shoved around to fit under a certain expectation.

Haven't you noticed how easy it is to tell what religion they're from - or at least what group of people? Even from a really young age, you can tell - because little boys and girls aren't allowed to cut their hair. (at least, this is my understanding....)


As Christians, what makes us different? Are we always as pleasant to strangers as they are? People don't necessarily have to be able to tell your beliefs by a single glance. But what impression do they get after interacting with you?

No, I haven't forgotten. We are saved by grace through faith and not by works - which sadly many of these religions believe we have to do to be saved. So we don't have to dress up in long dresses and cover ourselves up to our noses and drive out to a temple five times a day.

But what God does want us to do is to be attentive to His leading - to separate ourselves from the world. You can't be the same "except for Jesus". There has to be change in your life.

Romans 12:2 says and do not conform to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind - that you may prove what is that good and acceptable, and perfect will of God.

Am I willing to face whatever discrimination may come so that Christ is proclaimed? Giving up certain styles of clothing, music, or speech? Where does my identity lie, and how does that play a role in my life?

Our way of life is influenced so heavily on what we believe about ourselves. What do my actions say about what I believe? What kind of "turban" do I wear? =P

Crazy Jesus People

I was thinking about the word "Jesus" last night. Isn't it sad how much that word is thrown around?

"Jesus freaks!"
"Jesus is a crutch"
"Jesus, Mama, are you sure you want to do that?"
"I don't like that Jesus thing"
"She's one of those Jesus people"

It means something different to different people - and some people take it as offensive.

You people who are still doing awana quizzing (or still remember it) can tell me the reference in the Bible that talks about how the Gospel is foolishness to the Gentiles and a stumbling block for the Jews. (or was it the other way around?)

At any rate, unsaved people don't know the depth to the word "Jesus". But as Christians, think how much we can pull from that one word. Think how much meaning there is in that single word - "Jesus".

He is our refuge, our strength, our redeemer, comforter, friend, brother, GOD, Lord, master, savior, and everything else. Our ALL. Every part of us depends on Him (or should) and our life comes only through Him.

Will I Love You?

One of my friends recently got me into Robert Pierre's music. He's a Christian artist, and he's 17 years old. I think he made his first album when he was 15 or 16. He sounds like Chris Tomlin, except better. (in my opinion :P)

I was listening to "I will love you" a few minutes ago, and a particular line made me think....



I'll live a life that says//You give me every song
With my every breath//I'll make Your mercy known
With every soul on earth//or all alone
I will love You//I will love You.

It's easy to say we'll worship God with all the other Christians. But if No One on earth was a Christian - would you still love God? Okay, so realistically that probably won't happen. But there are real situations in life where I'm the only Christian in a group, or the only one who holds a certain view. Do I still live my life to show that Jesus gives me my song, my breath, my life?

Not only that, but do I really love God? With everything in me, striving to put Him first?

The more I realize the fallen-ness of myself, of the world, the more I stand in awe of God's grace and love. And the least I can do is return what human love I have as a living sacrifice for Him - whether with every soul on earth, or all alone.