Beyond

Beyond doing, there is being.
Beyond time, there is eternity.
Beyond mortality, there is immortality.
Beyond knowledge, there is faith.
Beyond justice, there is mercy.
Beyond happy thoughts, there is joy.
Beyond communication, there is communion.
Beyond petition, there is prayer.
Beyond work, there is rest.
Beyond right action, there is virtue.
Beyond virtue, there is the Holy Spirit.
Beyond appreciation, there is awe.
Beyond sound, there is stillness.
Beyond stillness, there is the eternal song.
Beyond law, there is grace.
Beyond even wisdom, there is love.
Beyond all else, HE IS.

by Christos Jonathan Seth Hayward

So I've been taking this astronomy class.

And THIS is basically what I have wanted to say but couldn't quite.

Landing in a bucket. Or an umbrella. Or possibly a lampshade.

You know that "trust" game that we used to play as kids?
Or in Sunday school during youth group?

You fall back and you trust the person behind you to catch you. (or supposedly. That was the point, at least)

Faith...trust...it's not just that. Because when you're standing there trusting that person to catch you, you are also expecting them to. You know they're going to do it. (or at least try to. You get the idea.)

Faith isn't like that.

Faith is wild.

And God is not always going to catch you with his arms.


Earth shattering, I know. We like that picture to go with the song, oh, I'm happy in your arms or something mushy like that.

Sometimes he's going to let you fall for a long time before he catches you. Sometimes he's going to use a parachute and make you think you're falling and then you realize you're not. Sometimes he'll use something bizarre, like an upside down umbrella. Pokey. but it works, you know? Or maybe a blanket, or a swimming pool, or a tardis. Or a bucket. That would be painful.

The point is, he is going to catch you, you just don't know how.

Trust is not expectation.

Trust is placing your faith in the truth that God knows what you need, not what you think you need. It is knowing that it is not up to me to decide whether I get land on a fluffy mattress or a bed of pillows. Actually, it might be a bed of blackberry bushes for all I know.

The choice is not mine. The outcome is unknown. But the peace is transcendent.

The process of creativity must be found within the greater context of our pursuit of God. If we pursue creativity outside of this context we open ourselves up to self indulgence and competitiveness where the end product can impede, rather than aid, the church. As we pursue after God, the Spirit crafts His heart within us. The desire of self recognition and attention dwindle in the light of the divine desires for God’s glory and the beauty of His bride. 

-Rend Collective Experiment

The other day, I was walking from my last class to where my dad was going to pick me up. I was eager to get out because multiple people had texted me during class and I wanted to respond to them.

So I'm walking to where my dad is waiting for me, and texting to a friend of mine - a combination of my mad T9 texting skillz and sharp peripheral vision.

But as I was walking, I suddenly realized what I looked like.

Have you ever wondered what you look like to other people? Not in that oh-my-goodness-I-hope-I-look-okay sort of way.

Because the other day, I realized that I looked exactly like the typical teenagers I complain about.

I complain about teens who are always online, always texting, always caught up in some social network -- oblivious to the world around them. Who are living mediocre, worthless lives and wasting it away by doing dumb things.

But that day, I didn't look any different from any of them.

Granted, I have a prehistoric, pre-paid, plastic-y flip phone -- but I was lost in my own little world.

It reminded me of a post my friend Sabam made the awhile back, about (ironically) one of my favorite tenth avenue north songs (are you surprised?) -- about missing what's beautiful.

What kind of "pretty things" (or "shiny!" as my friend Paul says) steal my heart away? Computers and cell phones are great, but can they really replace a good long run in the autumn sunshine? Or a morning spent watching the sunrise?

We're easily distracted. It's easy to "take a break" from the technology and spend time outside. But how quickly do we come back to it? How quickly are we distracted?

I don't want to be easily distracted. Yeah, sometimes I embrace my weirdness enjoy chasing my butterflies. But there are things that matter more.

My friends, my family, my siblings - how often do I say "not right now" to them as I type away furiously at some email my friend won't get for the next few days anyway?

I won't be able to drink in the beauty of the world God has created around me if my focus is somewhere else. What sort of things am I missing because my focus is somewhere it shouldn't be? I don't want to be always busy.

postscript:
This post has actually been in my drafts for months, but it's ironic that I'm posting it right after the one below. Guess I'd better take to heart a bit of my own words... ;)

My resolution.

This year, I dare to live a life of extravagant happiness.
I will live.
I will give 101%.
I will strive to understand before I am understood.
I will live fully, laugh often, and love always.
I will love my life and the people in it, because that's exactly where God wants me.

I don't think it's possible to live with no regrets. I think there will always be things I regret. I think I will always get to the end of a year and look back and wish I could have done a few things differently. I'm not always going to be fully satisfied with my own attempts at perfection, but that's because I'm not perfect.

To put it the way Jon Acuff does -- "I don't want the best of what [Hannah Dokupil] is capable. That’s small and tiny and insignificant. I want to experience the best of what God is capable. A supernatural God who breathed life into me and set the stars in place and moves with as much mystery and creativity as he did when he wrote a message on the wall for a king or burned a talking bush for a prophet."

I don't want to be satisfied by my own efforts. I want to be satisfied by a God who is greater than I am.

I'm not making new years resolutions this year, because I always fail them. I'm not going to resolve to be anything that I'm not. I'm not going to raise my own expectations so high I can't reach them. I simply am going to be. I'm going to live, and I'm going to learn. When I get to the end of 2012, I'm going to say that this year, I grew.

Sin is okay.

I've been beating up on myself a lot recently. Call it perfectionist, call it over-controlling, call it self-righteous...whatever. But when I see a problem, it bothers me.

Honestly, it's a wonder to me that people love me at all when my own love is so distorted. When my view is so dirtied by this fateful curse of sin.

But I wonder if Christians play it up too much. We spend so much time indoctrinating our children on what is right and what is wrong and what ought and ought not to be. We tell them what mindsets are correct, what things are lies of the devil, and that anything contrary to what they are teaching is a falsehood and should be rejected immediately.

We do this so much that when these children grow up and enter the real world, they don't know what to do with it. False love, pride, lust, homosexuality, beauty, acceptance -- it shows up in all ways, shapes, and forms in our lives -- ways far deeper, dirtier, and more terrible than anything they ever taught us in Sunday school. Yes, there are worse things than hitting your brother.

And what have we been taught? That sin in any form is not okay.

But I'm starting to think that....that it is okay.

Oh heavens come crashing down, what am I saying?

No, really. We're taught to reject sin so much that when we discover a new form of it taking shape in our lives that we've never experienced before, we don't know how to deal with it. We've been taught that it's only the really messed up people who think this way. Only the people who are completely lost.

And we're not lost like that, no sir, we have Christ on our side.

We, in fact, are the broken, lost people that we they warned us about in Sunday school -- and when we discover this, it shocks us. How could we be like this when we're supposed to be something greater than this?

So we push it down. Shove it back. Place it in a corner. We're stronger than this.

But we're afraid to be broken. I'm afraid to be broken. I'm afraid to be sinful, because...well, I'm a Christian, so aren't I supposed to be cured of that?

Like any other perfectly homeschooled, Christian kid, I went to VBS every year. Actually I went to about 3 or 4 every year. And I always heard the same thing -- which was really just a condensed version of what I was taught in Sunday school:

When we're saved, that doesn't mean that we stop doing bad things. It means that Jesus now helps us not do bad things.

So perhaps because I feel that because Jesus is not doing anything to "help me not do bad things" that I must be screwed up in some way.

But I'm a Christian. I'm not supposed to be this way.

So I encounter problems. I realize I'm more broken than just "disobeying my parents" or "being mean to my brother." My heart is deceitful, and desperately wicked. I've been taught for years that this - these problems, this brokenness - it's wrong. But I've also been taught that because "every sin past present and future" has been forgiven and that "Jesus helps me not do bad things" that all of these problems I have should be either nonexistent or easy to fix "because I have Jesus."

So I shy away from being broken. From admitting I have a problem. From being brutally honest and real. From finding out who I really am. Even from accepting the brokenness of others.

Oh, they struggle with that? They must not have Jesus. They don't have hope like I do.

(I've always been told I had hope in Jesus. But when does that teaching cease to be a piece of knowledge you must memorize and start to become a truth that you cherish?)

But I'm starting to realize that it's okay. It's okay to be broken. It's okay to be sinful. It's okay to hurt. It's okay to be confused. And it's okay for other people to be that way, too.

You see....we're not God. We're not perfect, and we can never be perfect. We have no business rejecting brokenness and sin when we're living in it. Call me crazy, but yeah, it's taking me awhile to understand this.

Yeah, sin is still wrong.

But it's okay to mess up. It's okay to fail. It's okay to have no clue about anything.

Maybe that's what Jesus sacrifice was supposed to be about.

And maybe....just maybe, because of this radical sacrifice, God is okay with my brokenness, too.

What do you think?

Freedom.

This is the most freeing message I have heard in a very, very long time.

If we could analyze the influences that build up a godly character to maturity, we might well find that the agencies which we call natural vastly outweigh the supernatural. The book of Proverbs reassures us that this, if it is true, is no reflection on the efficacy of God's grace, for the hard facts of life, which knock some of the nonsense out of us, are God's facts and His appointed school of character; they are not alternatives to his grace, but means of it; for everything is of grace, from the power to know to the power to obey. -Derek Kidner

Tomorrow I'll stop procrastinating.

When I was little, I used to try to have "perfect" days. I would try to be good for the entire day.

It never worked. =P

So, at the end of the day, I always said to myself, "I'll try again tomorrow. I'll really do it this time."

And as I got older, I somehow kept that mentality. The idea that one day, it would suddenly happen - BOOM - I'd have life figured out.

Lately I've been frustrated with the fact that...I'm no different than I was 10 years ago. I still say "tomorrow I'll be different. Tomorrow I'll actually not check my email and I'll actually practice piano instead."

::snort::

I have a feeling I'd be a much better pianist if I'd ever actually put that idea into practice. (haaa see that clever use of a pun there? I actually didn't intend that.)

But really - I would say to myself as I went to bed "ugh! I failed again. But I won't fail tomorrow."

Isn't "tomorrow I'll stop procrastinating" an oxymoron?

As your stereotypical homeschooler saturated by the message of the Rebelution, I've had the idea that if I didn't do great things as a teenager, I've somehow wasted my entire life. I frowned upon my 18th birthday and felt as if my opportunities had all been taken away now that the number associated with my years of living is one higher than it was a month ago.

But the reality is - I will never have more time than I do right now.

I'm only going to be 18 once. Just for 365 days. Why ruin it by wishing it was something else?



Maybe tomorrow I'll start over
Maybe tomorrow I will finally change my ways
Said the same things yesterday
Don't know why I'm so afraid
To let you in
To let you win
To let you have all of me

Can't spend my whole life wastin'
Everything I know I've been given
'Cause you've made for so much more than
Sittin' on the side lines
I don't wanna look back and wonder
If good enough could've been better
Everyday's a day to start over
So, why am I waiting for tomorrow?

I don't want to look back and wonder if my "good enough" could have been better. I want to live life to the fullest, and not waste my time worrying about wasting my life. I'm going to get out there, do something, and live! And I'm going to do it today.

It's revolutionary, and it will change the world.

Lately, I've been looking at this overwhelming problem of the world I live in.

Going through a typical week, with all the people I encounter and all the experiences I have, I keep seeing the brokenness of the world.

The homeless man on the street. That girl sitting all by herself at lunch. Those 10 year olds in awana who don't understand who God is. Those news stories about murders. Discussing politics. Working to keep up with my school work. Trying to learn more about the world.

My head spins thinking of how many problems there are in the world, how many people need help - and I want to do something about it.

I want to change the world, and I want to make a difference for the kingdom of God. I want to be radical, crazy, different, a world-changer.

But the other day, I heard this (ridiculously simple) statement:

You don't have to solve the world's problems.

Huh?

Oh right, I'm not God.

But I was also reminded of this story:

One day, a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean.

Approaching the boy, he asked, "What are you doing?"

The youth replied, "Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them back, they'll die."

"Son," the man said, "don't you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can't make a difference!"

After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf.

Then, smiling at the man, he said, "I made a difference for that one."

A lot of times I'm overwhelmed with all the things there are to do. How do I know what I'm supposed to do, and how am I supposed to make a difference?

Unlike some of my friends, who have been called off to places like Argentina, Peru, Russia, and China -- or even to direct Awana, minister to youth, serve in church -- I'm not really sure what I'm called to do, or how exactly I can make a difference.

But there are places I can make a difference right here.

I can watch that lego movie with my little brother.

I can help my brother with his speech.

I can not brush them off when they have questions.

I can do the dishes for my mom so she can take a nap.

I can not be on the computer so I can be available for something else.

I can give my dad a hug when he comes home.

I can send an email to a friend just because.

I can make a difference, and I don't need to change the whole world. Great things start small, and if I can make a difference in one person's life, God can turn that into something bigger in His timing and strength.

Sea of Faces

Have you ever looked out the window as you drive down the freeway and thought about all those cars? There's hundreds....thousands.

Then you get to a big school like my community college. Forget the "school" experience in my 5-kid classroom. That's a lot of people.

Each one of them is unique. Each one of them has a life, a family, friends. They have sorrows, joys, excitements, pet peeves. They have various classes, events, and places they go. They all probably have something different they're going through, they all have different goals.

Does it ever leave you in awe that God meets each of us where we are? What care is this - that He made us all? What love is this - that He loves us all?

And Seattle isn't even the biggest city in the Northwest, let alone the whole country....let alone the world.

How do you make an impact? How do you make a difference?

Music [discovery] of the week.

So, I began this post in hopes that I would (ideally) post somewhat frequently about the music I love and listen to because sharing good music is something that I just kind of love doing. (which is why I love teaching) Buuut I haven't been so good about that lately.

Today, however, I am pleased to present you with the band Trading Yesterday, introduced to me courtesy of Ophelia's gmail status. :D

I found a playlist on youtube for their band, hit play, and went back to the debate homework I had been doing before I got distracted.

After about 20 minutes, I realized I was still listening to the playlist, and I hadn't turned it off!

Okay, so maybe that's not so weird.

But for me (sadly) style of music is kind of important to me in music. I have a lot of friends who don't care what kind of music is, so long as it has good lyrics. Which I agree is a pretty good way to measure it - but sometimes, no matter how good the words are, screaming and yelling just isn't music. (Classical musician for ya)

So I was surprised to find that this band had decent music with a consistent style that I didn't hate. =P

Yes! a band I am willing to spend $10 of my money to purchase their entire album and the lyrics have depth!

Heh. Turns out they are nonexistent anymore. (depression!) So I have to resort back to my youtube playlist.

But man, their music is good.

Current favorite: "Shattered"



Yesterday I died; tomorrow's bleeding
Fall into your sunlight
The future's open wide beyond believing
To know why hope dies
And losing what was found, a world so hollow
Suspended in a compromise
But the silence of this sound is soon to follow
Somehow sundown
And finding answers
Is forgetting all of the questions we call home
Passing the graves of the unknown

As reason clouds my eyes with splendor fading
Illusions of the sunlight
A reflection of a lie will keep me waiting
With love gone for so long
And this day's ending
Is the proof of time killing all the faith I know
Knowing that faith is all I hold

And I've lost who I am, (i'm waiting)
and I can't understand (and fading)
Why my heart is so broken, (and holding)
rejecting your love, (love) without, (onto these tears)
love gone wrong; lifeless words carry on (i am crying)
But I know, all I know's that the end's beginning (i'm dying tonight)
who I am from the start, (i'm waiting)
take me home to my heart (and fading)
Let me go and I will run, (and holding)
I will not be silent, (silent) all this time (onto these tears)
spent in vain; wasted years wasted gain (i am crying)
All is lost but hope remains and this war's not over (i'm dying tonight)
There's a light, there's a sun (i'm waiting...)
taking all these shattered ones
To the place we belong (i am waiting...)
and his love will conquer all

Yesterday I died; tomorrow's bleeding
Fall into your sunlight

Another amazing one is called "For You Only." It's just....beautiful.



Blinding darkness surrounds me
And I am reaching for you only
This hopelessness that drowns all that I believe
Will be the one thing that I need
For you only

Keep on running farther, faster
Keep on searching for this haunting has an answer
And I know you will find me, in orbit
For I am breathing only for this.
For you only. For you only. For you only.

This is not to mention "Change My Name," "What I'm Dreaming Of," and "World on Fire." (oh my goodness "World of Fire" is AMAZING.)

Yeah, you should check out their music. It's almost as awesome, if not as awesome - as Tenth Avenue North. Now that's good music. :)

My life as a [non] gymnast.

I'm a gymnast.

Sort of.

I was a gymnast from like age 3 until the end of my freshman year.

And I wasn't a real gymnast - since I never seriously competed - only little meets and stuff.

But man, I loved it. I tell you, there's nothing like the satisfying *smack* when you hit the floor in a solid finish after flying through the air in a backflip. I love that noise.

*Smack.*

But now I'm getting all nostalgic.

One thing I really miss, though, was the workout. Nothin' like a good 2 1/2 hour workout and conditioning afterwards.

It is OoooOOoooohhhhh so painful sometimes. No, a lot of the times. Especially if you're doing like splits.

On a 3 inch wide beam.

Yeah. Ow.

So in the last 2-3 years that I've been out of gymnastics, I've tried to work out on my own to stay in shape.

::cough::

Um, yeah, about that....

The thing is, I can't do it myself. I don't have the equipment, the resources, or the right locations.

But, in order to get flexible and to get stronger - you have to work out. Consistently.

Working out makes you stronger.

And it made me think of the verse - you know, that says "work out your own salvation."

I've always been a little confused by that, because you don't need to work to earn grace.

But it doesn't mean "work" in that way. I think it means that once we are saved, we need to work consistently if we want to get stronger.

Cause, see, you don't have to work out to sign up for the gym. But once you're in - and paid the price for it - it'd be pointless to just sit there and do nothing, wouldn't it?

Can you imagine if someone else paid your gym membership - for life? Of course you'd go work out, wouldn't you?

Working out without the right equipment and without the right coaching can be dangerous - and you can easily hurt yourself.

I can't get stronger by myself - I need a coach to push me. I don't know the right exercises to do myself - I need a coach to teach me.

But what if you had the coach who created the sport in the first place? Boy, would that be a workout.

And that's the thing about life, I can't do the right things without my Coach. I can't become stronger and better unless I'm working out consistently.

But how awful it is the number of times I just sit on the sidelines instead of getting in there and doing my splits.

Yeah, I'll admit it. I put off doing splits because, let's face it, it is painful. Especially when you haven't worked out in awhile.

OH! and that's another thing! The longer you don't work out, the more painful it is to get back to where you were. Think splits are as easy for me now as they were when I was doing gymnastics? Think again - they hurt way more now because I haven't been working out consistently.

Okay, so that was a long post - and I might have stretched the analogy a bit.

But what do you think? Am I totally off my rocker here? Is the concept of working out applicable to the verse "work out your own salvation?" Or what do you think that verse really means?

It's okay to not always be right.

So I've been working on accompanying my little brother for his Suzuki Book 2 violin recital that's coming up. (If you're an ancient blog reader of mine, you might remember his Book 1 recital...this one's not near as extravagant. =P )

And between speech, debate, geometry, piano, flute, awana, teaching, and general life-busyness, I ::cough:: haven't had a generous amount of time to practice the accompaniment part.

Having played piano for 12 years helps, but I'm still a little shaky, and the thing is tomorrow.

But if you've ever accompanied someone, you know it's not about hitting all the right notes, but it's about making the performer look good. If you miss a trill or the middle note of that chord, it's okay.

(being a classical pianist, it's hard to wrap your mind around....trust me, there's a difference.)

What you don't want to do is get off sync with your performer - staying with them is really important. If I'm always trying to get the right notes, I'm putting the focus on myself.

But as an accompanist, my job is not to draw attention to myself but to magnify the performer and make them look good.

The question is not "did I get all the notes right?" but "did I fulfill my job as accompanist?"

And I was thinking how that's true of life as well.

See, it doesn't really matter if we do everything right all the time, if we hit everything spot on and play every single note. What matters is that we keep our eyes fixed on Jesus constantly -that we are fulfilling the purpose He's given us and giving the glory to Him.

If we don't always get everything done that we wanted, or the day didn't go quite right, or we didn't react in the best way possible - it's okay. What matters is that I stay in sync with God.

When I try to look good, dress right, and worry so much about how everything is going wrong - I'm worrying about myself - and not giving glory to God.

It's not about me playing the right notes - it's about being a good accompanist.

What's that Smell?

Last Sunday in church, the pastor preached on 2 Corinthians 2.

He actually spent most of the time on the earlier portion of the passage and not the end. But what stuck out to me as he read through the passage was verses 15-17.

For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing, to one a fragrance from death to death, to the other a fragrance from life to life. Who is sufficient for these things? For we are not, like so many, peddlers of God’s word, but as men of sincerity, as commissioned by God, in the sight of God we speak in Christ.

Now if you're anything like me you probably didn't really read that, so I'll keep writing and hopefully you'll stick with me.

Ever walk towards your kitchen and smell something absolutely scrumptious your mom is cooking? And you're just at that point where you are really hungry but not so hungry you'd eat anything....but really hungry?

And you follow the smell...not because you want the smell, (I mean, who wants to take big gulpfuls of smell when you're starving?) (Not quite sure how you gulp smell, but anyhow), but you follow it because you want what is making the smell. Right?

Woooah!

Did you catch that there?

For we are the aroma of Christ...

You know the whole "it's not about me it's all about Jesus" sort of thing. Kinda gets a little old.

But see - we're not here to make people want us. We're here to make people want Christ.

The goal is for people to "smell" us and want to know where it's coming from.

So often I want people to notice me, to think I'm a decent person who's doing great things. But my life shouldn't point to me - my life should point to Christ.

The thing is...wouldn't it be awful if...say, you smelled chocolate chip cookies and it turned out to be brussel sprouts?

We often put on the aroma of "Christian" or "good person"....instead of the aroma of Christ.

Does what I say, the way I dress, the way I talk, the way I act...does it smell of Christ - or myself?

And here's where it starts to get cool!

For we are not, like so many, peddlers of God’s word, but as men of sincerity, as commissioned by God, in the sight of God we speak in Christ.

I don't know exactly what the word "peddlers" means in this context, but here's what I think it means.

If you've ever been to a big city (New York for instance) there's like....ten jillion traveling street vendors with their little market-carts, foreign languages, and cheesy signs.

Do they really care about providing good stuff for you? Usually not. They're most likely just out there to make a few extra pennies.

They're called peddlers - and they don't usually mean what they say.

See Paul is saying that we're not just peddlers - we don't want to just try to sell God's word.

So often I feel like my goal as a witness to Jesus Christ is to sell others on the point of Christianity like a door-to-door salesmen. I think "I've just gotta convince 'em I'm right!"

But God is not a product we sell. He's a truth we live.

Peddlers are generally not too sincere except about making money.

We are not just "peddlers" of God's word, but communicators with sincerity. Why?

Because we are commissioned by GOD Himself.

We are sent out to be a light in a dark world - to speak with sincerity and truth, an aroma that points to Christ.

Now try reading it again - then tell me what you think.

For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing, to one a fragrance from death to death, to the other a fragrance from life to life. Who is sufficient for these things? For we are not, like so many, peddlers of God’s word, but as men of sincerity, as commissioned by God, in the sight of God we speak in Christ.

*happy sigh*

Today I spent 4 hours chasing, teaching, shushing, running, and shouting with 35 kids at VBS.

It was exhausting. And so, so, so much fun.

Then I came home and taught/practiced music for 4 hours.

My brain is a little fried, and I'm what I call "drunk on too much music and lots of kids...with a little chocolate" (happy kind of woozy I'm-going-crazy-feeling) (have you ever seen me when I can't stop laughing for no reason at all? Yeah, that kind of thing. It's jolly fun. )

But I feel wonderfully full and surprisingly not dead tired.

There's something invigorating about always giving. It's like...when your goal is to just love on those kids as much as possible and help them to understand the glorious beauty of what you have to teach them...it's like God just keeps giving you more energy.

It's cool.

Optical Illusion.

{Part 2 of 2 posts that are somewhat related....heh. This is the [more refined] impromptu speech I gave at Nationals. This version might be slightly longer than what I gave....but hey.}

Wait! No! realized I've never posted about Nationals! (this is not the speech, btw)

Real quick, here's a run down.

It didn't quite feel like Nationals because I didn't have anything to work on. No speech to worry about, no debate case to go over, nothing to memorize or freak out about.

...except impromptu.

But the thing about impromptu, as I mentioned last time, is that it's not something you can think about, it's something God gives you - it's something you just do. And going into the tournament I so desperately wanted God to do something with my speeches - with me. My first two rounds were kinda bad....I mean, they'd have done fine at a qualifier level - but they definitely weren't national quality, and it was really discouraging.

My last round however, was the best. The funny thing was that I got to the end of my prep time and the only thing I had written on my paper was "we walk by faith, not by sight." (ironic, isn't it?)

I had nothing in my head. I literally thought, "Oh crud. I'm a nationally qualified speaker, there is actually an audience in here, and I have nothing. I'm going to get up and embarrass myself in front of everyone."

But as I got up there, God gave me the passion, the words, and the examples. Just right there - right as I needed them.

Isn't He amazing?

So here you are.

As you probably noticed, I have glasses - as some of you do as well. And to get your prescription for your glasses, you go to the eye doctor. Now if you've ever been to the eye doctor, you probably know those funny pictures they give you - little optical illusions that don't make any sense - and then ask you absurd questions like "how big is the ladybug NOW?" and supposedly make a lot of sense out of it.

Usually, it doesn't make much sense - to us - but optical illusions really don't. That's why they're called illusions - to give us a feeling or a sensation of something that isn't really quite the truth. And what I'd like to talk about today is just that - optical illusions - how things aren't always as they seem. First I'd like to look at this in a historical example, next in my own life, and lastly how I see God working in optical illusions.

Helen Keller - we all know who she is - the girl who was blind and deaf. The entire world must have seemed like an optical illusion to her. Can you imagine growing up not being able to see or hear the world around you? Yet she went on to lead an extremely normal life. She may not have been able to see or hear, but that didn't mean that the whole world was as she saw it. She learned to overcome the challenges she met.

But how about my life? In summer of 2009, my family left my church - a church I had grown up in and learned from for years. I was just becoming involved in a lot of ministries and finding a place I felt able to serve God in. I was growing, learning, and getting to know God - and I couldn't understand why in the world God would take me away from something that brought me closer to Him.

To this day, leaving that church still seems like an illusion to me, and I still don't fully understand why God did it.

But that is the beauty of an optical illusion, and how God works in our lives.

Let me take you back to the example in the beginning - about the eye doctor. See, I can't make any sense of what's going on with the crazy illusions the eye doctor puts in front of my face - but the eye doctor knows exactly what's going on, and he's got a reason for everything that he sticks in front of my face.

And my God, my beautiful, wonderful Savior - He is the great eye doctor, and He knows exactly why He places various things in our lives. We may not understand or be able to make sense of the things in life, but we can rest assured, knowing that our God has a greater plan in mind.

I have a little bookmark at home, with a picture of a giant, furry dog on the front - with so much fur, in fact, that it covered his eyes completely. And the caption on the front said "We walk by faith, not by sight."

It's an amusing picture, but it's so true. Sometimes we are angry at the way we are made or the circumstances in our lives because we feel it hinders us or is keeping us from something more - as I'm sure Helen Keller felt, and I know I felt when I left church.

But in Paul's letter to the Corinthians he encourages us that "our light affliction is but for a moment - and is nothing compared to the exceeding glory we will experience when we spend eternity with Christ."

We walk by faith - and not by sight. See, Paul goes on to say that the things which are seen - are temporary. But the things that are not seen, are eternal. For what is hope, if you already see it? For you do not hope in what you see - but what you do not see.

My challenge to you today is to remember, that we walk by faith, and not by sight. So often I think, "yeah, we walk by faith, that's easy." But in the face of an illusion that I simply do not understand - it's not as easy as it sounds. But I can peacefully rest in the knowledge that I worship a God who does not fail - and who holds me in the palm of His hand.

Next time you see an optical illusion, don't let it remind you of the confusion, but of the Creator - who has a plan - because He who has begun a good work in you - will complete it. Thank you.

Controlling God.

{Part 1-ish of 2 posts that are somewhat related.}

When I first went to school - like, real school...as in Very Much Not Homeschool - one of the things all my teachers always wrote on their little end-of-quarter-evaluations was something along the lines of, "Hannah is very inquisitive, and likes to ask questions. She needs to be careful that her questions aren't disrespectful."

Yeah, I liked to know the "why" of a lot of things. But teachers in school aren't your mother, and you can't ask them "why" like you can at home. ;P

Nevertheless, I learned how to think deeply - and how to question what was important.

I like to have things explained to me, and I like to explain things to people.

But here's my reading from the other day. (Oswald Chambers) (yeah, I love this guy.)

There is nothing miraculous or mysterious about the things we can explain. We control what we are able to explain, consequently it is only natural to seek an explanation for everything.

I'm a firstborn, and I like to be in control. I like to know I've got a grip on the situation at hand. (But then again, who doesn't? Whether it's a dominating control or otherwise, we like to feel we have a grip on what's going on. Lack of control gives us a lack of self-worth. Or so we think.)

But think about it it - when we can explain it, the mystery goes away. It's not confusing, and now we have a firm hold of it. We now have this little tidbit of information that we somehow think we can use to our advantage to make us feel as if we have more control than someone else.

And what about God?

See, that's the beauty of it.

God....cannot be explained. He cannot be understood. The very nature and vastness of God Himself cannot be contained within my infinite understanding. It's like trying to fit the ocean in a cup. You just can't do it.

I think sometimes, I'm so afraid of not knowing what's going on and being able to explain everything that I just give up all together.

I mean, I can't fully understand everything, so why bother? It's easy for me to fall into the trap of, "I'm not going to embarrass myself by showing how little I know, so why even try learning more?"

But as Michael Apted said (oh shame that I'm quoting him, he ruined the Narnia franchise, why should he be a decent person at ALL?!) (that was sarcastic by the way) (now that I've ruined the quote fluidity of the quote I guess I'll have to start over)

The only way to stay young is to keep learning.

And how true is that, really? Life is boring when you're not learning anything - it's dull, purposeless, fruitless. This life is so exciting, nothing should stop me from seeking to know more about my God and Savior.

Just soak in the beauty of Proverbs 4

Let your heart retain my words; Keep my commands, and live.

LIVE. You know that word, "live" - (not the long i, the short i) To live is so much more than to just be alive. You're not really alive unless you're learning and growing, thinking, and searching.

Get wisdom! Get understanding! Do not forget, nor turn away from the words of my mouth. Do not forsake her, and she will preserve you; Love her, and she will keep you. Wisdom is the principal thing; Therefore get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding. Exalt her, and she will promote you; She will bring you honor, when you embrace her. She will place on your head an ornament of grace; A crown of glory she will deliver to you.”

I'll never fully understand God - if God was understandable, I'd stop reaching for Him once I got there. I'd become prideful.

If I could understand God, I'd be the stronger one. I could be in control because I could explain it.

What would God be if we could control Him? See, that's the beauty of who God is.

Unfathomable. Infinite. Awesome. Wonderful.

The coolest part is, He loves me. And He wants me to know Him. Personally.

This uncontrollable, vast, magnificent, unimaginable God - I can't understand Him, but He knows every detail about me.

And I mean, that's what faith is, right? What would faith be if we could understand and have it all under our control?

Romans 8:24 - but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees?

Why would I want to put my trust in something I was in control over? That's putting trust in myself - someone who is weak - rather than Christ, who is strong.

Think about that beauty - that we can rest in a God who is Greater.

Ouch.

Do you ever go back and read your own blog?

It's not vain to re-post your posts is it?

Because this post - yes, in my own writing - was really convicting to me. Again.

Funny the way God decides to work...