Desperate for a Desperate Heart

My fire is dying.
The toxic smoke
    smothering.
Numbing.

To love is to be vulnerable.
To come alive is to know sacrifice.

Light my soul on fire.
Burn these things I cling to,
   teach me to let go
to sacrifice
and then set it ablaze

So I can run,
   so I can feel
   so I can keep fighting.

You are the source of my flame,
   do not let it die.

The process of creativity must be found within the greater context of our pursuit of God. If we pursue creativity outside of this context we open ourselves up to self indulgence and competitiveness where the end product can impede, rather than aid, the church. As we pursue after God, the Spirit crafts His heart within us. The desire of self recognition and attention dwindle in the light of the divine desires for God’s glory and the beauty of His bride. 

-Rend Collective Experiment

The Abyss of Adventure.

This life is wild and precious.

I only have one.

Each day, each moment, each year -- it will only happen once.

It is not a safe journey. It is not a comfortable trail.

And I am not fearless. I am a coward, I am afraid of pain and suffering, I am afraid of losing, afraid of letting myself go into the unknown.  Afraid of not being liked, afraid of failure...the list is endless.

But that fear is alright, because I am not on a journey to become a fearless hero. I am on a journey to know my Creator. To seek and find the truth.

That fear is alright, because I have a God who is beyond me. Even if I don't feel comfortable in my own skin...my God did not make me for this world.

There was this moment this past weekend in which I found myself sandwiched in the backseat of a friend's car as a surprise for her birthday. Head down, feet tucked under -- trying to be as inconspicuous and small as possible.

I watched glimpses of trees blip past my small, poorly angled view of the window -- able only to wonder what was really going on when the brakes were slammed on or the road suddenly got bumpy. And I had no concept of when we'd get there or how long the trip was.

But listening to the music coming from the speakers, loving the voices and conversations of the driver and passenger, I realized I was able to enjoy each moment while it was there because there was no telling -- not even the slightest hint -- of how long it would be there.

The end of my story is unknown.

The reasons behind events I encounter are unseen.

My view of reality is skewed, narrow, limited.

And I am not fearless.

But perhaps I can be brave. Perhaps I can have courage.

Perhaps this abyss holds adventure.

Questing.

There are days where it seems as if transcendence is lost.

As if this quest might be a lost hope, deep in the darkness of the dungeon. 

  

But it is not. We will refuse to believe otherwise.We will press on through the darkness.

"Do you think it is a terrible thing to hope when there is really no reason to hope at all? Or is it (as the soldier said about happiness) something that you might just as well do, since,in the end, it really makes no difference to anyone but you?" (Kate DiCamillo)

Savour for a moment, if you will, this beautiful song, written by a newfound fellow blogger, Keeper of the Tardis.

One step closer to the end, my heart learns to sing again,

Life’s a journey, not a trial, not a race.

And when I am long gone, they’ll tell my story in a song.

I’ll have lived with a smile on my face.

And though it’s just a simple story, one more to join all the rest.

I lived, I loved, I gave it all I had.

I know that in the tales we dream, we dream of these same things.

Because it was you know… it was the best.

One step closer to the future,

Once more tread upon this road.

Roads go on whether I follow or I stay.

I have found a greater peace,

So come and sing with me.

In this love, I am happy, I am free.

Though I’m just a simple thread in the Tapestry of Time,

I mattered – we all matter in some way.

I’m content to live in grace

And to love with each new day…

And I think love’s all that matters in the end.

See the full lyrics and listen to it HERE. It is simply beautiful.

A thread in the Tapestry of Time.

Music of the week month summer {brave}

So, everyone sings about touching the sky.

Like. Everyone. Go ahead. Google "touch the sky" and "lyrics." If you make it through the second page there are at least 6 different artists with that as their song title.

Despite the cliche, banal (I just learned that word today. SAT studying for the win! not.) use of the title, this post is my shameless promotion of my undying love for the BRAVE soundtrack and its opening song.

As of yet, (the movie came out in June) I have not yet tired of listening to this music. At all.

Just...listen to this song...and let your spirit dance a little with joy.



"Touch the Sky" is probably in close running with "Learn Me Right."



We will run and scream
You will dance with me
We'll fulfill our dreams and we'll be free

Yes, it's gorgeous. And there are bagpipes.

Go outside. Blast this song out your windows. Spin in the sunshine. Climb a pine tree. Delight in the sheer beauty that surrounds you.

PS - if you haven't seen the movie Brave, you need to. There is no question. It is better than Dawn Treader (the movie) and that says something important.

Farewell for the moment

Ack! It's the first day of summer and I'm frantically posting all of the things I wanted to post before summer began and...well...yeah. So scroll down 'cause I posted some cool things. ^.^

At any rate, I am going "off-the-grid" as they call it around here, and spending my summer free from the computer/internet/technology in general...as much as is physically possible in this world of ours.

I feel as if I have finally reached the point where I can do it without caring about how much the internet world will suffer for lack of my impeccable presence. (snort)

I am, however, posting it on here as a form of accountability to myself -- not because you really need to know, but because embrazening it on the internet somehow makes it official.

Lately I've been really sick of the kind of command technology has over my life and how dependent I am on it.

I think I still might blog occasionally -- as in, write it out in a notebook and type it up on a library computer or something. Anything so that I'm not confined inside the house to a hunk of technology during the summer, but am still free to share thoughts and discoveries.

If you need to contact me, my email is on my profile, and I'll check it every once in awhile. =)

Happy Summer!

The Games I Play

I've been holding off posting this because, as I've mentioned before, I don't like the possibility of being categorized as one of the screaming fangirl masses. Argh. Here it is anyway. And for those of you who haven't read the series, you can still read this post. =)

My original thoughts about The Hunger Games was mostly that it was a fad, a typical thing-that-everyone-was-into, and that while it's a great series, it wasn't all that deep.

And to an extent, that's still true. It really isn't like Plato or Lewis or even Kate DiCamillo. The second time I read the series through, I was hoping to glean brilliant quotes as I went, and there just weren't any. But there is one genius thing for which I must give Suzanne Collins credit, which I believe most of the screaming fangirl populous doesn't get...which is sickly ironic, especially since they've now made it into a movie.

I'm starting to realize how right she was in the whole series: about the Games. Apparently most of my intelligent peer group understood this way faster than I did...perhaps because I just let myself live in its alternate reality for so long.

My life...is a Game. I'm my own tribute in my own Hunger Games. Fighting to stay true to myself and my values while living in a world that is constantly pushing me to play by their rules while they broadcast false generalizations to the public in order to control the masses.

I have to submit to some form of government. I have to follow the rules when I sign a job contract. I am fighting, always fighting, to stay true to myself, to not be defined by anything else but my Creator. Living in a culture where looks can kill, in a place where media and technology pushes us to form a presentable self that is perfect and conformed -- but is not truly who we are.

Media is mostly a lie. Have you ever watched a video editor at work? Have you ever seen the kind of material they slog through in order to make a finished product? My brother makes movies, and as you know I'm a huge fan of them, so I'm definitely not bashing them.

But they're illusions. They're false realities. Do you know how many takes it took to get that scene right? How many voice overs, sound recordings, lighting changes, and script edits it took to make that 2-minute shot you see in front of you? The costumes, the makeup, the rehearsals. It's not what really happened. In real life they had dozens of cameras and sound equipment hovering over them while they pretended to fall in love or jump off that cliff (onto the cushy trampoline at the not-so-deep bottom).

Video editing -- putting it all together to make it look nice -- is a frustrating process. I've never done it, but I've been in close observation of people who do. You have hundreds of angles of the same shot to choose from, and the splicing and dicing and hours it takes to even get a single scene done can be agonizing.

We allow ourselves to be infatuated with this alternate reality and then become frustrated when our own doesn't line up: but the truth is, it will never line up, because the alternate reality simply is not true. Movies, media -- they are all false perceptions of reality that were jacked up to look fancy, to make us think our lives should be something that they are not.

Television, news, facebook, social media: it's all edited to what people think the world will want to see and hear. It becomes not only a false perception of reality, but a false perception of yourself.

And not only that, but we soon become a slave to it. I still fight my own slavery to the internet. I'm a compulsive email checker. It's like I have to check it every other half hour for some odd reason, in case I miss something awesome. I've probably clicked on the open gmail tab next to this post about 6-10 times in the last hour as I've been writing this post, despite the fact that I know a little (1) will show up if I really have a new email.

I'm a slave. I'm a piece in the Media Games.

We become slaves to false selves. To somebody that does not even exist. To a system that's making us numb, dumb, and complacent -- just like the people of Panem: blindly and hopelessly supporting an atrocious, disgusting game. What other terrible things am I blindly supporting?

Or perhaps worse -- what horrible things in this world am I refusing to take a stance on, to fight against? The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

In the Hunger Games, the gamemakers could do whatever the wanted to get the kids to kill each other. From materializing fireballs from nowhere to creating animals that screeched the voice of someone you knew, they cut the cameras away from the things that they didn't want the public to see, and only showed the gory fighting.

I feel like that's the culture I'm living in. Dressing up the media to make you think your life should be a certain way. Yeah, we don't kill each other -- but maybe we're even worse. We're building up false realities and ideas of perfection and labels and trying to fit everything into it. We're not murdering physical bodies, but we're destroying our souls.

But somehow...somehow, Katniss and Peeta managed to overturn the system. They refused to play the Capitol's Game.

What do we need to do to overturn the system of our culture? Is it even possible? This is the call for something beyond ourselves, the cry of our soul to our Maker. Somehow, none of this is possible without Him. I honestly don't know how yet, but that's the kind of quest that I'm on. The kind of purpose I was made for.

To discover the One who defines me and conform to His version of what my life should be: not my culture's. And then somehow...share that truth with the world that I live in.

Yet another beautiful reason why I love the word 'transcendence'. Watch this video again, or for the first time if you haven't yet. The message is so, so powerful.



It's that moment when you realize that your life has been lived in the face of a projector screen. And suddenly you feel that pull, that call: you were made for more than this. You have a greater purpose beyond letting everyone else just shine their light on you -- you have your own light to shine.

To fight the good fight, you need a drive. You need a purpose -- and it doesn't come from yourself. It doesn't come from your culture. It comes from your Maker.

It's my own, literal, real life Hunger Games.

See Where It Leads

It's that call for something beyond you.

For something Greater.

Purpose. Drive. Peace.

That's what this song is about.



Pardon the Bulgarian subtitles. I can't find a normal one. =P Here are the lyrics. Really, listen to the whole song, it's good.

It's our calling.

When we step aside
From the center of our lives
When we learn to love mercy
More than being right
Pursuing peace and honesty

Can I love mercy more than being right? I've thought a lot about that especially with debate lately. Debate, it seems, has recently been a battle of who is more right. But in reality, it's not about proving who is more right, but about what you learn along the way. It's not about being right but -- when it comes down to it -- about being honest and loving.

Yes, there really are loving ways to debate personal freedom and economic security.

Starting down the road of selflessness
And seeing where it leads

Lately I've been obsessed with the idea of not jumping into anything without knowing what it might hold. I've been consumed with trying to know that whatever choice I make, the outcome will be successful and fulfilling. (Who do I think I am, God?)

When was the last time I just started down a path just to see where it lead -- as opposed to always worrying about which one will take me to the best place possible?

Am I that daring? Could I surrender my precious dreams for something greater that I can't yet see? It's not just a dream like a dream of being a famous gymnast or a world renowned debater.

No, this is the dream of thrill, adventure, laughter, friendship, happiness, contentment. Of being a person of worth on my own merit. The dream of being confident, capable, likeable. The dream of having control over my life and what happens in it - as if my own thwarted agenda will make me content.

It's the dream of a fulfilled life. What better could there be right?

My 7th grade teacher taught me that the key to happiness is fulfilling your purpose. But do you have any idea how stressful (not to mention impossible and vain) this kind of a dream this is? I wasn't created for this kind of purpose.

I was created for something more. A purpose that only a wildly glorious Creator could instill. And somehow, it's one that only he can fulfill.

There's a better way to live.

My 5 favorite words.

I used to think it was crazy that a person could have a "favorite word." It's like....buddy, there are billions of words in the English language. How can you have a favorite?

Alas, reader, I have come to discover that the number of things I used-to-think-were-weird-but-now-find-amazing is slowly increasing. Darnit, I think I'm growing up.

So here we go. My top 5 favorite words (as of right now):

5. Beauty
Our culture has such thwarted views of beauty. We think that beauty is fashion, beauty is perfection, beauty is makeup, it's in looks, it's having things. But beauty is so much farther beyond that.

Hannah Farver gives an awesome definition of beauty in her book "Uncompromising."

"Define beauty in a pair of scissors." [I said]
"Scissors aren't beautiful!" [Daria] cried indignantly
"How do you know? What makes a pair of scissors beautiful?"
Daria grabbed the pair of scissors on her desk.
"They're...uh...scissors are beautiful...because of how well they function."
"So if scissors work the way their maker wanted them to work, then they're beautiful?"

Beauty is not defined by the external looks, but by internal purpose.

Have you ever had a boyfriend, or a best friend, or a really adorable nephew, or somebody -- who made something for you? And if you were to advertise this gift on tv or in magazines, you probably wouldn't get a lot of interest. But it's precious because of who made it for you, and why they made it.

I feel like the word "beauty" is thrown around so much that it doesn't have the depth of meaning that it really should.

Beauty is defined by the sheer wonder of the purpose a thing was created for -- and of the Creator Himself. This is why trees are more beautiful than computers, flowers are more beautiful than cell phones, and my dog is more beautiful than your ipod.

Man made things are pretty, but God-made things are beautiful.

This is why you are beautiful. Your soul, the very essence of your being, your purpose, your existence, is simply....delightful. Wonderful.

Beautiful.

Which brings me to my next favorite word:

4. Purpose.
I think I've mentioned my 7th grade teacher a couple times on this blog now, and I really wish I had some way of contacting him so that I could tell him how much his theology class impacted me. He taught me that you will be happy when you fulfill your purpose.

There is something driving, invigorating, wildly fulfilling about the word purpose. To have a purpose is to know that you have worth. Your existence is not meaningless. There is no higher calling than fulfilling the purpose for which you were created.

"I like to imagine that the world is one big machine. You know, machines never have any extra parts. They have the exact number and type of parts they need. So I figure if the entire world is a big machine, I have to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too." -Hugo (::squee!:: another opportunity to quote "The Invention of Hugo Cabret")

We were created for relationships: to love God and to love other people.

But I also think we were created to seek, and to never stop seeking. The funny thing about relationships is that they're ongoing. You don't simply "arrive," and you will never be done. You are always seeking to know a person better, talk to them more, and so on.

Part of our purpose is seeking, climbing, working to discover the truth. I used to think that "purpose" was a goal you were trying to achieve. But now...I think it's more the reason you are trying to achieve it.

Which brings me to...

3. Quest.
I can't mention how much I love this word without mentioning one of my favorite books, "The Tale of Despereaux."

"And what, may I ask, do you intend to do with the thread?" [said the Threadmaster]
"Save the princess." [said Despereaux]
"Ah, yes. The princess...and how, exactly, will you use a spool of thread to save a princess?"
"A rat has taken her and hidden her in the dungeon, so I have to go back to the dungeon, and it is full of twists and turns and hidden chambers. And I have to find her...and I have to lead her back. I...I will use thread."
"I see, I see," he said. "You, my friend, are on a quest."
"I don't know what that is," said Despereaux.
"You don't have to know. You just have to feel compelled to do the thing, the impossible, important task at hand."

A Quest. Impossible. Important.

The wonderful thing about the word "quest" is that not only is it a journey towards an end, but something about it implies that you are not merely on it for the gold at the end. There is more to this journey than simply reaching the finish line. There are discoveries to be made, souls to make friends with, beauty to be found -- all along the way.

When you're climbing a mountain, you're obviously trying to get to the top. But the top is not what it's all about. There's also the journey upwards, the path that you take, the things you discover on the way. That's what a quest is. Learning, discovering, uncovering new and exciting things that continue to press you forward, closer to the top of the mountain, but making everything beautiful along the way.

2. Truth
To be honest, the power of the word "truth" sometimes makes me shudder a little. Truth is not a fairytale, truth is not in my head, it transcends what I feel and what I think and is not subject to anything or anyone. It simply is. It is more than a teaching, more than an idea, more than a topic of discussion.

It reaches beyond the confines of religion and soars above even the limits of Christianity. It baffles our tiny, ant-sized views of reality. Truth does not change because God does not change, and God is truth.

It's something that, once discovered, is unshakeable, unstoppable, and changes your life forever.

And you shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

Bringing me lastly to...
1. Transcendence
I don't know exactly why, but I have always loved the word "transcend."

"To transcend something isn't just to get past it or to move on from something, but it means to completely overcome something in life." -Lindsey Stirling.

Transcend means beyond. It means above, it means throughout. Something that transcends this world is something that is not limited to this world - it is so far beyond this world. It can't be held captive, cannot be defined.

So many things in this life are temporary. They are finite, fluffy little things that only last for a short amount of time. I often look at the futility of it all and wonder why does this matter?

I feel like the answer lies in all of the first 4 words that I listed. Beauty, Purpose, Quest, and Truth.

Part of what I loved about The Hunger Games was that it didn't end happily ever after. The world was still the imperfect, broken world, and injustice would always be there. But it was worth it because of what they were seeking to do. There was a higher cause, a higher truth, a greater purpose. Transcending the brokenness.

Beauty...purpose...truth...they transcend the futility in this life. They go beyond the frustration, disappointment, complacency, anger, and confusion -- to a truth that is beyond myself. A truth that is greater than me.

This...this truth is so far beyond the realms of our world. It is beautiful, it has purpose, because of the God who defines it. Therefore, not only is it beautiful, but it is in this quest for truth and beauty that we find our purpose, that the glory of God can transcend into our tiny world and shatter our lives with his truth.

And now, the inexplicable happiness inside of me for having used my 5 favorite words in a single sentence is kind of overflowing.

Do you have favorite words?

To stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver moon

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

-Orian Mountain Dramer

Passing tests doesn’t begin to compare with searching and inquiring and pursuing topics that engage us and excite us. That’s far more significant than passing tests and, in fact, if that’s the kind of educational career you’re given the opportunity to pursue, you will remember what you discovered. — Noam Chomsky

Trust, so that you can dare.

You must laugh because laughter heals pain.
You must love because love alone creates joy.
You must rest so that when you open your eyes, you can live awake.
You must pray so that you can run with strength.
You must write because escape lies in stories.
You must explore because exploration keeps your heart alive to the magic of life.
You must learn so that you return different than you left.
You must smile because smiling brightens the world and your view of it.
You must endure so that you can conquer.
You must trust so that you can dare.
And you must breathe, because both pain and time pass.

-From the wonderful pen of Liz Patterson

The story's not over yet.

I've always been one to hate new changes. I dislike giving up the way things used to be -- I like my ways, and I like the way we do things.

But if I never find new things to like, or new ways of doing things, I'll never grow. I'll never change. If I always only listen to the same music and read the same books and do the same thing -- hold onto life as it is, I will become a nobody who does nothing.

It's complacency in its worst, it's a refusal to grow. I can embrace changes without having to ignore what I am leaving behind. I can rejoice in sweet memories while being able to freely let them be just what they are: memories. If things always only stayed the same, I would never learn anything.

And learning -- understanding -- is a fountain of life. (Prov. 16:21) and "the only way to stay young is to keep learning" (Michael Apted)

To discover the truth, one must first give up one's idea of what the truth should be.

So broaden your scope, young heart! Let the changes happen, let the old chapters end. Turn the page to bright, beautiful, new ones. Delight in what you have now, don't dwell on what you wish you had. Life is thrilling, beautiful, wild, and precious. Embrace it.