You know that "trust" game that we used to play as kids?
Or in Sunday school during youth group?
You fall back and you trust the person behind you to catch you. (or supposedly. That was the point, at least)
Faith...trust...it's not just that. Because when you're standing there trusting that person to catch you, you are also expecting them to. You know they're going to do it. (or at least try to. You get the idea.)
Faith isn't like that.
Faith is wild.
And God is not always going to catch you with his arms.
Earth shattering, I know. We like that picture to go with the song, oh, I'm happy in your arms or something mushy like that.
Sometimes he's going to let you fall for a long time before he catches you. Sometimes he's going to use a parachute and make you think you're falling and then you realize you're not. Sometimes he'll use something bizarre, like an upside down umbrella. Pokey. but it works, you know? Or maybe a blanket, or a swimming pool, or a tardis. Or a bucket. That would be painful.
The point is, he is going to catch you, you just don't know how.
Trust is not expectation.
Trust is placing your faith in the truth that God knows what you need, not what you think you need. It is knowing that it is not up to me to decide whether I get land on a fluffy mattress or a bed of pillows. Actually, it might be a bed of blackberry bushes for all I know.
The choice is not mine. The outcome is unknown. But the peace is transcendent.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Monday, December 3
Tuesday, November 8
If we could analyze the influences that build up a godly character to maturity, we might well find that the agencies which we call natural vastly outweigh the supernatural. The book of Proverbs reassures us that this, if it is true, is no reflection on the efficacy of God's grace, for the hard facts of life, which knock some of the nonsense out of us, are God's facts and His appointed school of character; they are not alternatives to his grace, but means of it; for everything is of grace, from the power to know to the power to obey. -Derek Kidner
Thursday, August 4
Optical Illusion.
{Part 2 of 2 posts that are somewhat related....heh. This is the [more refined] impromptu speech I gave at Nationals. This version might be slightly longer than what I gave....but hey.}
Wait! No! realized I've never posted about Nationals! (this is not the speech, btw)
Real quick, here's a run down.
It didn't quite feel like Nationals because I didn't have anything to work on. No speech to worry about, no debate case to go over, nothing to memorize or freak out about.
...except impromptu.
But the thing about impromptu, as I mentioned last time, is that it's not something you can think about, it's something God gives you - it's something you just do. And going into the tournament I so desperately wanted God to do something with my speeches - with me. My first two rounds were kinda bad....I mean, they'd have done fine at a qualifier level - but they definitely weren't national quality, and it was really discouraging.
My last round however, was the best. The funny thing was that I got to the end of my prep time and the only thing I had written on my paper was "we walk by faith, not by sight." (ironic, isn't it?)
I had nothing in my head. I literally thought, "Oh crud. I'm a nationally qualified speaker, there is actually an audience in here, and I have nothing. I'm going to get up and embarrass myself in front of everyone."
But as I got up there, God gave me the passion, the words, and the examples. Just right there - right as I needed them.
Isn't He amazing?
So here you are.
As you probably noticed, I have glasses - as some of you do as well. And to get your prescription for your glasses, you go to the eye doctor. Now if you've ever been to the eye doctor, you probably know those funny pictures they give you - little optical illusions that don't make any sense - and then ask you absurd questions like "how big is the ladybug NOW?" and supposedly make a lot of sense out of it.
Usually, it doesn't make much sense - to us - but optical illusions really don't. That's why they're called illusions - to give us a feeling or a sensation of something that isn't really quite the truth. And what I'd like to talk about today is just that - optical illusions - how things aren't always as they seem. First I'd like to look at this in a historical example, next in my own life, and lastly how I see God working in optical illusions.
Helen Keller - we all know who she is - the girl who was blind and deaf. The entire world must have seemed like an optical illusion to her. Can you imagine growing up not being able to see or hear the world around you? Yet she went on to lead an extremely normal life. She may not have been able to see or hear, but that didn't mean that the whole world was as she saw it. She learned to overcome the challenges she met.
But how about my life? In summer of 2009, my family left my church - a church I had grown up in and learned from for years. I was just becoming involved in a lot of ministries and finding a place I felt able to serve God in. I was growing, learning, and getting to know God - and I couldn't understand why in the world God would take me away from something that brought me closer to Him.
To this day, leaving that church still seems like an illusion to me, and I still don't fully understand why God did it.
But that is the beauty of an optical illusion, and how God works in our lives.
Let me take you back to the example in the beginning - about the eye doctor. See, I can't make any sense of what's going on with the crazy illusions the eye doctor puts in front of my face - but the eye doctor knows exactly what's going on, and he's got a reason for everything that he sticks in front of my face.
And my God, my beautiful, wonderful Savior - He is the great eye doctor, and He knows exactly why He places various things in our lives. We may not understand or be able to make sense of the things in life, but we can rest assured, knowing that our God has a greater plan in mind.
I have a little bookmark at home, with a picture of a giant, furry dog on the front - with so much fur, in fact, that it covered his eyes completely. And the caption on the front said "We walk by faith, not by sight."
It's an amusing picture, but it's so true. Sometimes we are angry at the way we are made or the circumstances in our lives because we feel it hinders us or is keeping us from something more - as I'm sure Helen Keller felt, and I know I felt when I left church.
But in Paul's letter to the Corinthians he encourages us that "our light affliction is but for a moment - and is nothing compared to the exceeding glory we will experience when we spend eternity with Christ."
We walk by faith - and not by sight. See, Paul goes on to say that the things which are seen - are temporary. But the things that are not seen, are eternal. For what is hope, if you already see it? For you do not hope in what you see - but what you do not see.
My challenge to you today is to remember, that we walk by faith, and not by sight. So often I think, "yeah, we walk by faith, that's easy." But in the face of an illusion that I simply do not understand - it's not as easy as it sounds. But I can peacefully rest in the knowledge that I worship a God who does not fail - and who holds me in the palm of His hand.
Next time you see an optical illusion, don't let it remind you of the confusion, but of the Creator - who has a plan - because He who has begun a good work in you - will complete it. Thank you.
Wait! No! realized I've never posted about Nationals! (this is not the speech, btw)
Real quick, here's a run down.
It didn't quite feel like Nationals because I didn't have anything to work on. No speech to worry about, no debate case to go over, nothing to memorize or freak out about.
...except impromptu.
But the thing about impromptu, as I mentioned last time, is that it's not something you can think about, it's something God gives you - it's something you just do. And going into the tournament I so desperately wanted God to do something with my speeches - with me. My first two rounds were kinda bad....I mean, they'd have done fine at a qualifier level - but they definitely weren't national quality, and it was really discouraging.
My last round however, was the best. The funny thing was that I got to the end of my prep time and the only thing I had written on my paper was "we walk by faith, not by sight." (ironic, isn't it?)
I had nothing in my head. I literally thought, "Oh crud. I'm a nationally qualified speaker, there is actually an audience in here, and I have nothing. I'm going to get up and embarrass myself in front of everyone."
But as I got up there, God gave me the passion, the words, and the examples. Just right there - right as I needed them.
Isn't He amazing?
So here you are.
As you probably noticed, I have glasses - as some of you do as well. And to get your prescription for your glasses, you go to the eye doctor. Now if you've ever been to the eye doctor, you probably know those funny pictures they give you - little optical illusions that don't make any sense - and then ask you absurd questions like "how big is the ladybug NOW?" and supposedly make a lot of sense out of it.
Usually, it doesn't make much sense - to us - but optical illusions really don't. That's why they're called illusions - to give us a feeling or a sensation of something that isn't really quite the truth. And what I'd like to talk about today is just that - optical illusions - how things aren't always as they seem. First I'd like to look at this in a historical example, next in my own life, and lastly how I see God working in optical illusions.
Helen Keller - we all know who she is - the girl who was blind and deaf. The entire world must have seemed like an optical illusion to her. Can you imagine growing up not being able to see or hear the world around you? Yet she went on to lead an extremely normal life. She may not have been able to see or hear, but that didn't mean that the whole world was as she saw it. She learned to overcome the challenges she met.
But how about my life? In summer of 2009, my family left my church - a church I had grown up in and learned from for years. I was just becoming involved in a lot of ministries and finding a place I felt able to serve God in. I was growing, learning, and getting to know God - and I couldn't understand why in the world God would take me away from something that brought me closer to Him.
To this day, leaving that church still seems like an illusion to me, and I still don't fully understand why God did it.
But that is the beauty of an optical illusion, and how God works in our lives.
Let me take you back to the example in the beginning - about the eye doctor. See, I can't make any sense of what's going on with the crazy illusions the eye doctor puts in front of my face - but the eye doctor knows exactly what's going on, and he's got a reason for everything that he sticks in front of my face.
And my God, my beautiful, wonderful Savior - He is the great eye doctor, and He knows exactly why He places various things in our lives. We may not understand or be able to make sense of the things in life, but we can rest assured, knowing that our God has a greater plan in mind.
I have a little bookmark at home, with a picture of a giant, furry dog on the front - with so much fur, in fact, that it covered his eyes completely. And the caption on the front said "We walk by faith, not by sight."
It's an amusing picture, but it's so true. Sometimes we are angry at the way we are made or the circumstances in our lives because we feel it hinders us or is keeping us from something more - as I'm sure Helen Keller felt, and I know I felt when I left church.
But in Paul's letter to the Corinthians he encourages us that "our light affliction is but for a moment - and is nothing compared to the exceeding glory we will experience when we spend eternity with Christ."
We walk by faith - and not by sight. See, Paul goes on to say that the things which are seen - are temporary. But the things that are not seen, are eternal. For what is hope, if you already see it? For you do not hope in what you see - but what you do not see.
My challenge to you today is to remember, that we walk by faith, and not by sight. So often I think, "yeah, we walk by faith, that's easy." But in the face of an illusion that I simply do not understand - it's not as easy as it sounds. But I can peacefully rest in the knowledge that I worship a God who does not fail - and who holds me in the palm of His hand.
Next time you see an optical illusion, don't let it remind you of the confusion, but of the Creator - who has a plan - because He who has begun a good work in you - will complete it. Thank you.
Monday, March 28
Skeletons
I've cast about for ways to figure out a way to word the sort of thoughts that have been swimming in my head the past few weeks. God is amazing, and He has been teaching me some super amazing things. They're sort of painful things, but I'm finding how...oh...how powerful such simple truths that God says are. Like "I value you. So much that I died for you. Despite how wretched you are."
When I was littler (is that a word? littler?), I remember feeling rather proud of myself for coming up with a "quote" of my own...or at least, a sort of tangible form to represent what God was teaching me, something that sounded good and made sense...at least to me. I remember saying to myself,
"You never really learn something until you learn it for yourself."
I liked the sort of somewhat oxymoron it sounded like when I first said it. What I meant was how no lessons can compare to the lesson of good 'ole personal experience. People tell us to learn from others mistakes - which is great, of course. If you can avoid making mistakes by watching others, that's fabulous. But there's some kind of...strength, of maturity, of knowledge that comes when you learn from your own mistakes. Or not even mistakes, but the experience of something...anything, really.
In the book The Red Badge of Courage, guess what a "red badge of courage" is? A battle wound.
Not like that's a great thing...right? I mean, who wants to get a gory, gaping, bloody, excruciatingly painful wound...living with its scars for life? But to the soldiers it represents something: an experience. It represents how they've fought courageously and heroically. It shows that they've sacrificed a part of themselves. It's there to show the pain - but also the healing.
So experience is with us. Once we've experienced something - made that mistake or messed up that time, it adds a bit of maturity to us. (assuming we acknowledge it as a mistake :P) It doesn't even really have to be a mistake or something you mess up, but any kind of day-to-day experience. Because until you've actually sought to grow - stuck yourself out on the war front and sacrificed a part of yourself, there's no experience in that. That's what getting outside your comfort zone means.
I didn't really think I had a comfort zone for awhile. (wow, that was humble, wasn't it.) I mean, I wasn't afraid of public speaking (like that's *all* the phrase "comfort zone" entails) and I wasn't afraid of people, I didn't mind trying new things and pain, change, and frustration - while it was certainly not a comforting thing, didn't really put me *out* of my comfort zone. Because all the things talked about in "Do Hard Things" (which is still an amazing book, btw.) were things that people noticed. Like public speaking.
What I discovered was that the things outside of *my* comfort zone were things completely irrelevant to the world. Like keeping a good attitude, staying off the computer, and disciplining myself. Comfort zone doesn't mean cozy-happy-laze-around-the-house-place. People who refuse to go outside of their comfort zones can look like totally secure people and be hugely successful. But comfort zone means whatever you're willing to do within your natural-instinctive-things-that-make-you-feel-good.
For instance, volunteering to the be the first one in the entire school to give a speech for the new speech class when I was in 7th grade (not to mention being the new kid) was not something that was outside of my comfort zone. I sort of thrived off of being a leader and trying daring sort of things.
But comfort zones are different for different people.
I'm starting to realize how little God can teach me unless I'm willing to be taught. (wow, strike me with a lightning bolt...) And willing to be taught means letting go of what I think God's going to teach me. And that sticks me way outside my comfort zone. Because it means I have to let go of that controlling-analytical-logical part of...myself.
You know that stereotypical-temporary-heart-changing-inspiring-youth-group-message? It goes something like this.
"We know all the Christian lingo. We sing all the songs, learn all the verses, know how to talk. But are we really living it? Are we really living in light of what Christ has done for us? We need to live lives for JESUS!"
That sort of thing. You know? I think there are multiple stages of the "typical Christian" stage. Because for a long time I was somewhere in between. The I-want-to-seek-Christ-but-I'm-not-sure-what-that-entails sort of thing.
But I'm starting to (slowly) learn what it really means to live for Christ. God's been showing me tons of little aspects of my life that He wants me to do differently, give up, or start doing. To live in light of the experiences, the blessings, and the gifts He's given me.
That...living for Christ doesn't mean that I...oh, there aren't words for it....it doesn't mean that I live by emotions and sort of wind-on-the-mountaintop sort of days. That's certainly a part of it. But living for Christ means surrendering my desires in exchange for Christ's. My views for His.
I'm an analyzer. I'm CDO (it's OCD, but in alphabetical order, like it should be), a perfectionist...I like logical ideas and things I can wrap my mind around. Things that make sense to me, that you can form a logical, scientific, and convincing argument for.
But that's the very thing that God wants me to give up. There are some things in life that I just can't analyze, understand, or argue for. And if I refuse to allow God's way of doing things to replace that, I'm never going to get anywhere.
Okay, so I'm not even sure if that made sense....and as I look back and read it it sounds just as cliche and typical as any other stereotypical-temporary-heart-changing-inspiring-youth-group-message.
But those words have more meaning to me than the stereotypical-temporary-heart-changing-inspiring-youth-group-message - because of what Christ is doing, and how He's changing me. Because when I'm willing to give up what I think is right, God replaces it with what He knows is right. And the peace and joy is kind of overwhelmingly awesome. :)
Words are just skeletons. It is not until we experience them for ourselves in our life - or God gives us some sort of revelation, that we begin to see the depth in the meaning of words. -my mom
When I was littler (is that a word? littler?), I remember feeling rather proud of myself for coming up with a "quote" of my own...or at least, a sort of tangible form to represent what God was teaching me, something that sounded good and made sense...at least to me. I remember saying to myself,
"You never really learn something until you learn it for yourself."
I liked the sort of somewhat oxymoron it sounded like when I first said it. What I meant was how no lessons can compare to the lesson of good 'ole personal experience. People tell us to learn from others mistakes - which is great, of course. If you can avoid making mistakes by watching others, that's fabulous. But there's some kind of...strength, of maturity, of knowledge that comes when you learn from your own mistakes. Or not even mistakes, but the experience of something...anything, really.
In the book The Red Badge of Courage, guess what a "red badge of courage" is? A battle wound.
Not like that's a great thing...right? I mean, who wants to get a gory, gaping, bloody, excruciatingly painful wound...living with its scars for life? But to the soldiers it represents something: an experience. It represents how they've fought courageously and heroically. It shows that they've sacrificed a part of themselves. It's there to show the pain - but also the healing.
So experience is with us. Once we've experienced something - made that mistake or messed up that time, it adds a bit of maturity to us. (assuming we acknowledge it as a mistake :P) It doesn't even really have to be a mistake or something you mess up, but any kind of day-to-day experience. Because until you've actually sought to grow - stuck yourself out on the war front and sacrificed a part of yourself, there's no experience in that. That's what getting outside your comfort zone means.
I didn't really think I had a comfort zone for awhile. (wow, that was humble, wasn't it.) I mean, I wasn't afraid of public speaking (like that's *all* the phrase "comfort zone" entails) and I wasn't afraid of people, I didn't mind trying new things and pain, change, and frustration - while it was certainly not a comforting thing, didn't really put me *out* of my comfort zone. Because all the things talked about in "Do Hard Things" (which is still an amazing book, btw.) were things that people noticed. Like public speaking.
What I discovered was that the things outside of *my* comfort zone were things completely irrelevant to the world. Like keeping a good attitude, staying off the computer, and disciplining myself. Comfort zone doesn't mean cozy-happy-laze-around-the-house-place. People who refuse to go outside of their comfort zones can look like totally secure people and be hugely successful. But comfort zone means whatever you're willing to do within your natural-instinctive-things-that-make-you-feel-good.
For instance, volunteering to the be the first one in the entire school to give a speech for the new speech class when I was in 7th grade (not to mention being the new kid) was not something that was outside of my comfort zone. I sort of thrived off of being a leader and trying daring sort of things.
But comfort zones are different for different people.
I'm starting to realize how little God can teach me unless I'm willing to be taught. (wow, strike me with a lightning bolt...) And willing to be taught means letting go of what I think God's going to teach me. And that sticks me way outside my comfort zone. Because it means I have to let go of that controlling-analytical-logical part of...myself.
You know that stereotypical-temporary-heart-changing-inspiring-youth-group-message? It goes something like this.
"We know all the Christian lingo. We sing all the songs, learn all the verses, know how to talk. But are we really living it? Are we really living in light of what Christ has done for us? We need to live lives for JESUS!"
That sort of thing. You know? I think there are multiple stages of the "typical Christian" stage. Because for a long time I was somewhere in between. The I-want-to-seek-Christ-but-I'm-not-sure-what-that-entails sort of thing.
But I'm starting to (slowly) learn what it really means to live for Christ. God's been showing me tons of little aspects of my life that He wants me to do differently, give up, or start doing. To live in light of the experiences, the blessings, and the gifts He's given me.
That...living for Christ doesn't mean that I...oh, there aren't words for it....it doesn't mean that I live by emotions and sort of wind-on-the-mountaintop sort of days. That's certainly a part of it. But living for Christ means surrendering my desires in exchange for Christ's. My views for His.
I'm an analyzer. I'm CDO (it's OCD, but in alphabetical order, like it should be), a perfectionist...I like logical ideas and things I can wrap my mind around. Things that make sense to me, that you can form a logical, scientific, and convincing argument for.
But that's the very thing that God wants me to give up. There are some things in life that I just can't analyze, understand, or argue for. And if I refuse to allow God's way of doing things to replace that, I'm never going to get anywhere.
Okay, so I'm not even sure if that made sense....and as I look back and read it it sounds just as cliche and typical as any other stereotypical-temporary-heart-changing-inspiring-youth-group-message.
But those words have more meaning to me than the stereotypical-temporary-heart-changing-inspiring-youth-group-message - because of what Christ is doing, and how He's changing me. Because when I'm willing to give up what I think is right, God replaces it with what He knows is right. And the peace and joy is kind of overwhelmingly awesome. :)
Words are just skeletons. It is not until we experience them for ourselves in our life - or God gives us some sort of revelation, that we begin to see the depth in the meaning of words. -my mom
Sunday, March 6
No fear. No retreat.
I can't even begin to describe how amazing this song is, and how much it has impacted me in the last....20 hours that I've known it's existence?
To give unselfishly
to serve the least of these
Jesus I'm learning how to live with open hands
All these treasures that I own
will never satisfy my soul
Jesus I lay them at your throne with open hands
I hold onto so much in this life - but it will never, ever fully satisfy me. Earth has nothing I desire but Christ. [Ps. 73:25]
I lift my hands open wide
let the whole world see
how you love, how you died, how you set me free
free at last, I surrender all I am with open hands, with open hands
God is slowly teaching me that I have absolutely no value outside of who I am in Him. I have no reason for existing besides to glorify Him. Nothing - and I mean absolutely nothing is worth doing if it's not to show what Christ has done for me.
I was reading in my devotional the other day, and it was talking about how, when we're in love with someone - we go pretty out of our way to show it. We buy them things, spend time with them, do things for them. And we talk about them to like, everyone. But do we show that same love to God? Are we so in love with Him that we can't stop talking, thinking, and ordering every aspect of our life to Him?
To finally let go of my plans
these earthly kingdoms built of sand
Jesus at your cross I stand with open hands
Let go of my plans. GAH. Why is that so hard?
You took the nails, You bore the crown
You hung your head, Your love poured out
You took my place, You paid the price
so Jesus now I will give my life
To give unselfishly
to serve the least of these
Jesus I'm learning how to live with open hands
All these treasures that I own
will never satisfy my soul
Jesus I lay them at your throne with open hands
I hold onto so much in this life - but it will never, ever fully satisfy me. Earth has nothing I desire but Christ. [Ps. 73:25]
I lift my hands open wide
let the whole world see
how you love, how you died, how you set me free
free at last, I surrender all I am with open hands, with open hands
God is slowly teaching me that I have absolutely no value outside of who I am in Him. I have no reason for existing besides to glorify Him. Nothing - and I mean absolutely nothing is worth doing if it's not to show what Christ has done for me.
I was reading in my devotional the other day, and it was talking about how, when we're in love with someone - we go pretty out of our way to show it. We buy them things, spend time with them, do things for them. And we talk about them to like, everyone. But do we show that same love to God? Are we so in love with Him that we can't stop talking, thinking, and ordering every aspect of our life to Him?
To finally let go of my plans
these earthly kingdoms built of sand
Jesus at your cross I stand with open hands
Let go of my plans. GAH. Why is that so hard?
You took the nails, You bore the crown
You hung your head, Your love poured out
You took my place, You paid the price
so Jesus now I will give my life
Saturday, February 5
We have a new doormat.
We say "dare to be different."
We say "Be yourself"
"Don't run from who you are."
"Go against the flow."
But you know...we'll only go so far.
We'll only be as different and radical as we can be while still looking nice on the outside. We think, "there's nothing wrong with being a Christian and still dressing nicely."
We've got to be perfect Christian models. We have to shine for Christ. Show the world that Christians can be normal too.
....
With an attitude like that, sometimes I wonder how I can call myself a follower of Christ. I forget it's not about shining for Jesus...it's shining because of Jesus. Being a Christian isn't a way of life - it is my life.
When Jesus says to forsake all, He really means ALL. For me, that means giving up this desire I cling to to be loved by people. To be cared about. I want people to tell me that they love me, that they care about me, and to show it. But Jesus calls us to give up the things of this world.
It's easier to not do what everyone else is doing than to do what everyone else is not doing.
It's easy to fall to the back of the line in quiet rebellion of the mainstream of the world. But it's a completely different story to be so radically different that you could be trampled on for what you are believing.
It's one thing to follow God's way of service if you are regarded as a hero, but quite another thing if the road marked out for you by God requires becoming a "doormat" under other people's feet....Are you ready to be sacrificed like that? Are you ready to be less than a mere drop in the bucket -- to be so totally insignificant that no one remembers you even if they think about those you served? [Oswald Chambers]
It's not so hard to go against the world. Because it's all black and white, in a lot of cases. But why, oh why am I so afraid of what other Christians think?
Maybe because I think the same way.
I judge people. I put them in boxes. I say "I must be a better Christian since I do/don't do that."
"Wow, they do that?! How could they be Christian??"
Oh, my wretched heart.
Dare to go against the mainstream.
To be so different that to the world you may not even exist.
But to God --
To God you are a precious gem in the palm of His hand.
We say "Be yourself"
"Don't run from who you are."
"Go against the flow."
But you know...we'll only go so far.
We'll only be as different and radical as we can be while still looking nice on the outside. We think, "there's nothing wrong with being a Christian and still dressing nicely."
We've got to be perfect Christian models. We have to shine for Christ. Show the world that Christians can be normal too.
....
With an attitude like that, sometimes I wonder how I can call myself a follower of Christ. I forget it's not about shining for Jesus...it's shining because of Jesus. Being a Christian isn't a way of life - it is my life.
When Jesus says to forsake all, He really means ALL. For me, that means giving up this desire I cling to to be loved by people. To be cared about. I want people to tell me that they love me, that they care about me, and to show it. But Jesus calls us to give up the things of this world.
It's easier to not do what everyone else is doing than to do what everyone else is not doing.
It's easy to fall to the back of the line in quiet rebellion of the mainstream of the world. But it's a completely different story to be so radically different that you could be trampled on for what you are believing.
It's one thing to follow God's way of service if you are regarded as a hero, but quite another thing if the road marked out for you by God requires becoming a "doormat" under other people's feet....Are you ready to be sacrificed like that? Are you ready to be less than a mere drop in the bucket -- to be so totally insignificant that no one remembers you even if they think about those you served? [Oswald Chambers]
It's not so hard to go against the world. Because it's all black and white, in a lot of cases. But why, oh why am I so afraid of what other Christians think?
Maybe because I think the same way.
I judge people. I put them in boxes. I say "I must be a better Christian since I do/don't do that."
"Wow, they do that?! How could they be Christian??"
Oh, my wretched heart.
Dare to go against the mainstream.
To be so different that to the world you may not even exist.
But to God --
To God you are a precious gem in the palm of His hand.
Wednesday, January 12
In which I blog to myself.
Okay, so I think I'd better clarify a few things. First off, the actual quote is not "idiot" it's "insanity" (although the two are very closely related =D ) Second of all....I guess..hmm. I got a lot of comments from people about how I shouldn't be degrading myself or labeling myself as a certain way. That's not really what I'm doing...just identifying a certain type of behavior that God has convicted me of.
Idiot: Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.
I was thinking. How do we expect to live lives for Jesus, changed lives, lives of radical surrender and love for Him if we're not willing to give anything up? If we're not willing to stop doing what we are doing and start doing what He wants us to do? If we continually keep the same habits, same ideas, refusing to let go of the sin that keeps hold of us....will we ever get different results? Will we ever be changed? Of course not.
I like to plan. I like to plan a lot. But I'm not so good at sticking to that plan. (But I'm really good at the planning.) So I plan, I plan, and I say, okay, I'm going to do this at this time so that I can do this next and then this....but never actually get it done. Yet I still expect that "this time will be different" or "I'll get it right this time".
I've been doing this since I was 7 years old. (Like I said, I'm pretty good at planning.)
I cling to perfection, to thinking I can do it my way, that if I just try one more time, I can get it right on my own.
What?
Maybe Hannah needs to hear this again.
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.
Or the harsher one, that cuts a lot deeper,
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
Really, Hannah?
The only way we can live radical lives for God is if we let Him change us, if we let go of our own plans, the things we stick to like glue the things we want to keep and hold onto forever, little things we try over and over again in attempt to do it ourselves, saying "God, let me try just one more time. I think I can get it this time." I cling to things that are the same. I don't like to let things I do go because if I do, it makes me vulnerable, and it makes me disorganized, and it makes me the weaker one.
But...I am the weaker one. God is the stronger one. He is the one whose plan actually matters. He is the one who can bring things to pass...not me. Since when did my agenda work? It didn't work when I was 7 and it doesn't work when I'm 17, and it won't work when I'm 27 or 57 or 97.
We can't live the lives we live in sin and expect that God will just give us what we want, or that we'll have a nice life, or that God will give us big, important responsibilities. We can't say we've been changed by God, that we're living our lives for Him when we refuse to even let Him change the way we think and live.
I have to allow Him to break down the walls I hide behind, to radically change the way I live, for there to be fruit.
The ideal, the concept of change, of doing things for God's glory is so easy and nice to imagine and get excited about. But it's such a completely different thing to allow God to work that in my life.
By the aforementioned definition, I have the habits of one who is an idiot. Or insane. Or however you call it.
Oh, Praise God for His endless grace.
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.
I was thinking. How do we expect to live lives for Jesus, changed lives, lives of radical surrender and love for Him if we're not willing to give anything up? If we're not willing to stop doing what we are doing and start doing what He wants us to do? If we continually keep the same habits, same ideas, refusing to let go of the sin that keeps hold of us....will we ever get different results? Will we ever be changed? Of course not.
I like to plan. I like to plan a lot. But I'm not so good at sticking to that plan. (But I'm really good at the planning.) So I plan, I plan, and I say, okay, I'm going to do this at this time so that I can do this next and then this....but never actually get it done. Yet I still expect that "this time will be different" or "I'll get it right this time".
I've been doing this since I was 7 years old. (Like I said, I'm pretty good at planning.)
I cling to perfection, to thinking I can do it my way, that if I just try one more time, I can get it right on my own.
What?
Maybe Hannah needs to hear this again.
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.
Or the harsher one, that cuts a lot deeper,
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
Really, Hannah?
The only way we can live radical lives for God is if we let Him change us, if we let go of our own plans, the things we stick to like glue the things we want to keep and hold onto forever, little things we try over and over again in attempt to do it ourselves, saying "God, let me try just one more time. I think I can get it this time." I cling to things that are the same. I don't like to let things I do go because if I do, it makes me vulnerable, and it makes me disorganized, and it makes me the weaker one.
But...I am the weaker one. God is the stronger one. He is the one whose plan actually matters. He is the one who can bring things to pass...not me. Since when did my agenda work? It didn't work when I was 7 and it doesn't work when I'm 17, and it won't work when I'm 27 or 57 or 97.
We can't live the lives we live in sin and expect that God will just give us what we want, or that we'll have a nice life, or that God will give us big, important responsibilities. We can't say we've been changed by God, that we're living our lives for Him when we refuse to even let Him change the way we think and live.
I have to allow Him to break down the walls I hide behind, to radically change the way I live, for there to be fruit.
The ideal, the concept of change, of doing things for God's glory is so easy and nice to imagine and get excited about. But it's such a completely different thing to allow God to work that in my life.
By the aforementioned definition, I have the habits of one who is an idiot. Or insane. Or however you call it.
Oh, Praise God for His endless grace.
Thursday, November 4
Two Hands
I took this picture several years ago...the words are from the song "two hands" by Jars of Clay.I have a broken disposition
I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth
And while I ache for faith to hold me
I need to feel the scars and see the proof
I use one hand to pull closer
The other to push you away
If I had two hands doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high
Am I living my life with two hands lifted towards my Maker? Or do I use one hand to pull Him closer and the other to push Him away? Pushing Him away with things like the computer, the internet, books, music...those "pretty things" that steal my heart away from Him?
I've got voices in my head and they are so strong
And I'm getting sick of this oh Lord, how long
Will I be haunted by the fear that I believe
My hands like locks on cages
Of these dreams I can't set free
But if I let these dreams die
If I lay down all my wounded pride
If I let these dreams die
Will I find that letting go lets me come alive? (Empty My Hands, tenth avenue north)
We're so afraid to let go of these things we hold onto. We're afraid because it seems as though it's all we have. We can feel it, touch it, sense it, reach for it, even. But you can't hold onto the things of this world and reach for Christ at the same time. We try so hard to have both - but all we need is Christ. We can't serve God and something else. We can't have just one hand raised - we have to have two hands.
So empty my hands
Fill up my heart
Capture my mind with You!
Tuesday, October 26
Pretty Ball for Louis!
Raise your hand if you ever got to see my Dramatic Interp last speech year.
No?
Didn't think so. It wasn't all that great, so don't ask me to do it for you. (sorry)
But I was thinking about this song...(yes, it's a Tenth Ave song, you'll have to put up with my random spazzes of obsessions if you're going to read this blog) called "all the pretty things". (and if you haven't seen the post about the concert, keep scrolling...)
Now in my opinion, I would have just called it "pretty things", but never mind that. =P
Back to this interp. This little kid wants this orange, and he calls it the "pretty ball", and that's really all that this song reminded me of. Something pretty that you want.
Here are the lyrics. Read them, they're not that long. Or better yet, listen to the actual thing.
We are, we are, we're caught in the in between
Of who we already are and who we are yet to be
And we're looking for love but finding we're still in need
It's only what we have lost will we be allowed to keep
And we're waiting but our eyes are wandering
To all this earth holds dear
Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I'm fading
‘Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from Your face
Come and save me
We run, we run to finally be set free
But we're fighting for what we already have received
So we're waiting but our eyes are wandering
To all this earth holds dear
Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I'm fading
‘Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from Your face
Come and save me
One of things that stood out to me at the concert (you're going to hear a lot about this concert for awhile, I have a feeling. Sorry. =P ) was what Mike said about idols. If we have something we idolize, that we put our time and self into, something that gets in the way of God...why do we expect Him to give us more of it?
This song reminds me a lot of the complacency of my own life. In between who I am and who I want to be. Not really going anywhere....stuck on wanting material things I can touch and feel and posses and have that's mine.
It's only what we have lost will we be allowed to keep.
Do you remember my Illustrated Oratory? That it was what I had lost, I had given to God, that I was actually allowed to keep - to actually take to Nationals?
It's only what we have lost will we be allowed to keep.
Jesus says that whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for His sake will find it. And not just "saving" his life, but even "desiring" to save his life. Just the simple act of desiring.
Desire isn't all bad - but it is when we refuse to let God's desires consume it.
When I was little, I loved gymnastics. I still really, really do. I remember having a conversation with God (not too terribly long ago) about how much I was doing in my life and if there was anything I should give up. And I kept thinking to myself/to God (rather defiantly) "Well. I'm not quitting gymnastics, God."
Immediately I realized the error of this statement...but even though I told God "sure, if you want me to quit gymnastics, I'm cool with that," I didn't really give that to God. I clung to it because I wanted it so badly. Desired. To keep it.
Guess who hasn't done gymnastics in over a year?
So I think to myself (oh, what a wretched heart I have) "Well. Maybe I can jinx it. If I give it up, maybe God will give it back."
Of course not. What God wants is total surrender. He wants my heart and He wants it completely. When my speech was disqualified, it was such a shock for me that I had absolutely nowhere to turn but to God - and He gave me the strength and the peace to accept what I could not keep on my own, made me to realize that it really was Him who had done this work in me - that it was none of my own doing. And then - He gave it back!
Look at the things of this world that tie our hearts down from being completely surrendered to God! Computers, clothes, jewelry, shoes...having nice school supplies, nice things in your house. A nice car, a nice this, a nice that. We crave the acceptance of others, yet we so often fail to crave what really matters - God.
We run, we run to finally be set free
But we're fighting for what we already have received
We try so hard be accepted - but we already are. God doesn't need us to prove ourselves to Him. He doesn't need us to build up a life that is perfect and good so that He can accept us. (unlike a lot of humans of the world) He accepts us as we are. Insignificant, worldly little scumbags (as Mike put it) who let such flighty, perishable things take captive of our hearts instead of the one who can really satisfy us.
Lord, I love so many things
That keep me from your face
Come and save me!
No?
Didn't think so. It wasn't all that great, so don't ask me to do it for you. (sorry)
But I was thinking about this song...(yes, it's a Tenth Ave song, you'll have to put up with my random spazzes of obsessions if you're going to read this blog) called "all the pretty things". (and if you haven't seen the post about the concert, keep scrolling...)
Now in my opinion, I would have just called it "pretty things", but never mind that. =P
Back to this interp. This little kid wants this orange, and he calls it the "pretty ball", and that's really all that this song reminded me of. Something pretty that you want.
Here are the lyrics. Read them, they're not that long. Or better yet, listen to the actual thing.
We are, we are, we're caught in the in between
Of who we already are and who we are yet to be
And we're looking for love but finding we're still in need
It's only what we have lost will we be allowed to keep
And we're waiting but our eyes are wandering
To all this earth holds dear
Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I'm fading
‘Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from Your face
Come and save me
We run, we run to finally be set free
But we're fighting for what we already have received
So we're waiting but our eyes are wandering
To all this earth holds dear
Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I'm fading
‘Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from Your face
Come and save me
One of things that stood out to me at the concert (you're going to hear a lot about this concert for awhile, I have a feeling. Sorry. =P ) was what Mike said about idols. If we have something we idolize, that we put our time and self into, something that gets in the way of God...why do we expect Him to give us more of it?
This song reminds me a lot of the complacency of my own life. In between who I am and who I want to be. Not really going anywhere....stuck on wanting material things I can touch and feel and posses and have that's mine.
It's only what we have lost will we be allowed to keep.
Do you remember my Illustrated Oratory? That it was what I had lost, I had given to God, that I was actually allowed to keep - to actually take to Nationals?
It's only what we have lost will we be allowed to keep.
Jesus says that whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for His sake will find it. And not just "saving" his life, but even "desiring" to save his life. Just the simple act of desiring.
Desire isn't all bad - but it is when we refuse to let God's desires consume it.
When I was little, I loved gymnastics. I still really, really do. I remember having a conversation with God (not too terribly long ago) about how much I was doing in my life and if there was anything I should give up. And I kept thinking to myself/to God (rather defiantly) "Well. I'm not quitting gymnastics, God."
Immediately I realized the error of this statement...but even though I told God "sure, if you want me to quit gymnastics, I'm cool with that," I didn't really give that to God. I clung to it because I wanted it so badly. Desired. To keep it.
Guess who hasn't done gymnastics in over a year?
So I think to myself (oh, what a wretched heart I have) "Well. Maybe I can jinx it. If I give it up, maybe God will give it back."
Of course not. What God wants is total surrender. He wants my heart and He wants it completely. When my speech was disqualified, it was such a shock for me that I had absolutely nowhere to turn but to God - and He gave me the strength and the peace to accept what I could not keep on my own, made me to realize that it really was Him who had done this work in me - that it was none of my own doing. And then - He gave it back!
Look at the things of this world that tie our hearts down from being completely surrendered to God! Computers, clothes, jewelry, shoes...having nice school supplies, nice things in your house. A nice car, a nice this, a nice that. We crave the acceptance of others, yet we so often fail to crave what really matters - God.
We run, we run to finally be set free
But we're fighting for what we already have received
We try so hard be accepted - but we already are. God doesn't need us to prove ourselves to Him. He doesn't need us to build up a life that is perfect and good so that He can accept us. (unlike a lot of humans of the world) He accepts us as we are. Insignificant, worldly little scumbags (as Mike put it) who let such flighty, perishable things take captive of our hearts instead of the one who can really satisfy us.
Lord, I love so many things
That keep me from your face
Come and save me!
Monday, September 27
Aslan's Meditations: Before the Morning
Recently on Aslan's Country, we've started a weekly devotional posted every Monday morning to kickstart the week. This week I had the privilege of writing the devotional, so I thought I'd post it here. You can read the actual devotional here, and previous devotionals here. Enjoy!
Last week, AslansLily wrote about witnessing to those lost in the dark, like Lord Rhoop, lost in the darkness of his own desires. But so often, we ourselves run into the darkness - a different kind of darkness. We lose our way, we stumble, we forget about Christ. Whether it be the issues with friends, family, problems at work or school, our faith, at church - we all know the pain and desperation of darkness.
But it is during these times, I have found, when all you see is darkness around you, that God is nearest to you.
"We shall never get out, never get out," moaned the rowers. "he's steering us wrong. We're going round and round in circles. We shall never get out."
And soon everyone was hearing things. Each one heard something different.
It's dangerous to allow these feelings to take hold of us -they begin to control our lives and it changes how we interact and see other people, and unless we give our fears to Christ, they can cause us to fall away from Him.
Think about how amazing it would be if we could always be anxious for nothing! But Philippians says we can. And how? By prayer, supplication, and thanksgiving.
"Lucy leant her head on the edge of the fighting-top and whispered, "Aslan, Aslan, if ever you loved us at all, send us help now." The darkness did not grow any less, but she began to feel a little - a very, very little - better. "After all, nothing has really happened to us yet," she thought.
Philippians 4:6 continues into verse 7 to say that the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Prayer is an amazing thing that not only can accomplish many things but also, as Lucy experiences, changes our outlook on the situation as we give our situation to Him in faith.Lewis notes that the darkness did not grow any less, but Lucy not only felt peace, but was also able to realize the positive side to their situation. Sometimes He calms the storm - other times, He calms His child.
Often times, however, we are afraid to allow God to work in our lives in this way. We're afraid of pain, of losing people we love. But in James 1, we are exhorted to count it all joy when we encounter these trials. To embrace a trial, something painful and dark, is the last thing we would imagine to do - but yet it is the attitude Lucy has as they enter Dark Island.[Caspian:] "I suppose we shall have to go on. Unless Lucy would rather not?"
Lucy felt that she would very much rather not, but what she said out loud was, "I'm game."
One of the most beautiful things God has taught me is what He will do when we are willing to "sail into the dark." So often I have given in to the emotions of the present moment, forgetting about God, forgetting that He has orchestrated this for the reason of drawing me nearer to Himself!
When we truly find joy in the midst of pain - the joy that can only come from Christ, we realize that nothing else matters but that Christ is magnified in us - whether in the light or in the dark.
Habukkuk 3 says though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines; though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food; though the flock may be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls - yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.I find it interesting that in the NKJV, "joy" is used as a verb. "I will joy in the God of my salvation."
It's what I like to call "joyful serenity made perfect with pain and sweetened with God's grace, blessings, and love."It's the joy you find in the midst of the pain.
The peace you find to accept what you have lost.
The grace God gives you to give up what you know you cannot keep.
The blessings He lavishes upon you to show you His everlasting, eternal, all-encompassing love.
And then, what a glorious morning it is, when light begins to pierce the darkness! When suddenly - you can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
There was a tiny speck of light ahead, and while they watched a broad beam of light fell from it upon the ship. It did not alter the surrounding darkness, but the whole ship was lit up as if by a searchlight.Note that the storm had not yet ended. It did not alter the surrounding darkness - but now they had a light to show them the way.
But no one except Lucy knew that as it circled the mast it had whispered to her, "Courage, dear heart," and the voice, she felt sure, was Aslan's.And then, following the sweet voice of the albatross, before they knew it - they had broken out of the darkness and into the light.
And just as there are moments when simply to lie in bed and see the daylight pouring through your window...and to realise that it was only a dream: it wasn't real, is so heavenly that it was very nearly worth having the nightmare in order to have the joy of waking.
Read that again.In order to have the joy of waking.
It's the darkness that makes the light beautiful. It's the pain that makes the healing wonderful.The deep, meaningful joy is one that you cannot experience fully unless endured the pain beforehand.
Weeping may endure for a night - but joy comes in the morning. (Ps. 30:5)And when the morning comes, we come through a different person. Renewed, strengthened, and in awe of God's grace and power.
...they had half expected to find that the darkness would cling to the white and the green and the gold in the form of some grime or scum...[but] the brightness of the ship herself astonished them...We come through more like Christ, bearing more fruit for His glory. And this, dear friends, is our goal, is it not? To continually be more like Christ - no matter what it takes. He is our strength, our life, our everything - and the continual source of all joy.
Tuesday, May 25
Breaking My Heart
I saw the title of this song (by Robert Pierre) and I thought "Oh, great, a love song."
But that's far from what it is.
It's the joy...the choice to rejoice in heartbreak. God isn't breaking our heart like people do. He's molding us into the person He wants us to be, taking away the things we cling to so we can cling to Him instead the things of the world. It hurts. Oh, it hurts, so, so much. But it's beautiful - in such a painful way. It's...bittersweet.
You're breaking my heart - a little more every day.
There's little things that keep popping up in my life...sometimes bigger, sometimes smaller.
Knowing you don't belong there like you used to.
Seeing someone talk to someone else you really miss - who won't talk to you.
Little random, stupid memories that pop up in the most vivid pictures.
Watching two best friends together.
Not understanding how this could ever work out for the better.
Yet...there's this joy in knowing that there is something. Jesus is breaking my heart, He's pruning me to bear fruit for His glory. And it's so awfully painful but it's also so beautifully joyful. Because God doesn't just tear you away and then dump you. There are always joys in life, always beautiful, precious things to delight in - and He has blessed me not only with a few of those, but with some of the most amazing people to share it with me.
A dear friend of mine encouraged me the other night that sometimes seeds are planted when a huge fire or tornado comes in and carries them far away.
But I want you to know, brethren, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel...(Phil. 1:12)
I love how you are....breaking my heart. A little more, each day.
But that's far from what it is.
It's the joy...the choice to rejoice in heartbreak. God isn't breaking our heart like people do. He's molding us into the person He wants us to be, taking away the things we cling to so we can cling to Him instead the things of the world. It hurts. Oh, it hurts, so, so much. But it's beautiful - in such a painful way. It's...bittersweet.
You're breaking my heart - a little more every day.
There's little things that keep popping up in my life...sometimes bigger, sometimes smaller.
Knowing you don't belong there like you used to.
Seeing someone talk to someone else you really miss - who won't talk to you.
Little random, stupid memories that pop up in the most vivid pictures.
Watching two best friends together.
Not understanding how this could ever work out for the better.
Yet...there's this joy in knowing that there is something. Jesus is breaking my heart, He's pruning me to bear fruit for His glory. And it's so awfully painful but it's also so beautifully joyful. Because God doesn't just tear you away and then dump you. There are always joys in life, always beautiful, precious things to delight in - and He has blessed me not only with a few of those, but with some of the most amazing people to share it with me.
A dear friend of mine encouraged me the other night that sometimes seeds are planted when a huge fire or tornado comes in and carries them far away.
But I want you to know, brethren, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel...(Phil. 1:12)
I love how you are....breaking my heart. A little more, each day.
Sunday, April 25
Now a Memory....
...Thus was the course of my Monday-through-Friday-until-around-6:30-ish
Like I said last time I posted about the tournament - it was going great. I was looking forward to Friday and Saturday.
Friday evening, shortly after they had just announced that speech breaks would not be until Saturday morning (::grumble::), we were informed that the Chinese-style shirt I had worn for my Chinese speech (Illustrated Oratory - IO) was being thought of as a costume. We spent the next 2+ hours trying to convince them otherwise.
Their "concern" was that I had made a mental connection between the shirt and my speech, and that they couldn't have me "enhancing my speech that way". They also said that it would be an unfair advantage to other students. We tried to tell them I had worn it to previous qualifying tournaments and no one said anything, that I had worn it for my completely UN-Chinese DI (Dramatic Interpretation) and duo. But they were pretty much unshakable.
Slowly, with each passing question, they beat my dream of ever making it to nationals this year to the ground.
Have you ever worked for a long, long time for something you really wanted, only to find disappointment? I have never, ever in my life have a goal I was so motivated to work towards.
You think I was obsessed when it came to Bible quiz meets? To piano competitions? The Bible bee, even? I've never been obsessed with winning, so much as the process. Perhaps it's because I'm used to coming in 2nd all the time. But for some reason, I've never placed 1st in something huge (Awana Grand Prix does NOT count), but I've never been that upset over it. I'm content with 2nd, or 3rd - so long as everything was played fairly and there wasn't some sort of emotional battle going on (like games and quiz this year) while doing it.
But that's because I've never aimed for 1st. I've always felt that someone else would be there, so I'll just aim for 2nd place. You know what I did this time?
I aimed for 1st. I told myself what my friend has told himself for his competitions. I'm going to win this. I am going to make it to nationals. While I know I didn't put as much work as I could have (all that last minute stuff, you know....), I really put a lot of myself into it.
You know me. I love obsessing over things, being a perfectionist, and doing everything just right. I throw myself into something I love. And I haven't had anything this year to do that with.
But Tuesday night before the tournament, I realized that I didn't deserve to win. I didn't deserve to qualify for nationals. I had continually put things off until this last minute, why should God just let me qualify to a national tournament like that?
But oh, I had such high hopes. So I told God that this was His tournament. I told Him I wanted more than anything in the world to qualify for nationals, but if He didn't want me to, then I would still rejoice - whatever was His will.
I think He took me up on it - although I sure didn't think it would happen this way.
About a third of the way through that conversation, we had to pause because they had to go announce debate breaks. So I went into the bathroom, dried my eyes, and told God this was for Him...over, and over, and over again. Then I told myself I was fabulous, that everything was fabulous, and went back into the room and recited 1 Corinthians 13 three times through to myself before they came back.
And then they did. My brain kept spinning, they kept questioning me, repeating over and over again that I had admitted to making a connection between a Chinese shirt and a Chinese speech and therefore had violated the rule......
I understood their intentions. I understood their reasoning. I understood, and they knew it. But no amount of our position could persuade them otherwise.
But through the tears, some kind of peace kept pushing. My heart kept crying out that God had a plan, He had a reason. He was still sovereign, still good.
It could have been the sheer injustice of it all. But by the time I arrived Saturday morning, my entire club knew - and it was oh, such a beautiful blessing to be surrounded by people I loved and who loved me. By the end of the day, it felt like half the competitors were on my side.
After the tournament, they (the board of directors/interrogators) told me I would have broken to semis. (we asked for this information) I knew that was the case. I know I would have broken to finals, and I'm convinced I would have qualified for nationals.
But something in me kept saying, "look at all the ways God has blessed you. You aren't going to nationals, but look what else you have."
This is a poem that Gray wrote awhile back, which she shared with me after the tournament:
Lord, I come with humbled heart,
My pride has left my eyes.
I come a child, full of trust,
I leave behind all ties.
I come a child, unconcerned
With things too great for me,
I come a child, longing just
To sit here, at your knee.
With quiet soul, and patient heart,
I put my hope in you.
I give my heart! I give my soul!
I’m yours, Lord, through and through!
Like I said last time I posted about the tournament - it was going great. I was looking forward to Friday and Saturday.
Friday evening, shortly after they had just announced that speech breaks would not be until Saturday morning (::grumble::), we were informed that the Chinese-style shirt I had worn for my Chinese speech (Illustrated Oratory - IO) was being thought of as a costume. We spent the next 2+ hours trying to convince them otherwise.
Their "concern" was that I had made a mental connection between the shirt and my speech, and that they couldn't have me "enhancing my speech that way". They also said that it would be an unfair advantage to other students. We tried to tell them I had worn it to previous qualifying tournaments and no one said anything, that I had worn it for my completely UN-Chinese DI (Dramatic Interpretation) and duo. But they were pretty much unshakable.
Slowly, with each passing question, they beat my dream of ever making it to nationals this year to the ground.
Have you ever worked for a long, long time for something you really wanted, only to find disappointment? I have never, ever in my life have a goal I was so motivated to work towards.
You think I was obsessed when it came to Bible quiz meets? To piano competitions? The Bible bee, even? I've never been obsessed with winning, so much as the process. Perhaps it's because I'm used to coming in 2nd all the time. But for some reason, I've never placed 1st in something huge (Awana Grand Prix does NOT count), but I've never been that upset over it. I'm content with 2nd, or 3rd - so long as everything was played fairly and there wasn't some sort of emotional battle going on (like games and quiz this year) while doing it.
But that's because I've never aimed for 1st. I've always felt that someone else would be there, so I'll just aim for 2nd place. You know what I did this time?
I aimed for 1st. I told myself what my friend has told himself for his competitions. I'm going to win this. I am going to make it to nationals. While I know I didn't put as much work as I could have (all that last minute stuff, you know....), I really put a lot of myself into it.
You know me. I love obsessing over things, being a perfectionist, and doing everything just right. I throw myself into something I love. And I haven't had anything this year to do that with.
But Tuesday night before the tournament, I realized that I didn't deserve to win. I didn't deserve to qualify for nationals. I had continually put things off until this last minute, why should God just let me qualify to a national tournament like that?
But oh, I had such high hopes. So I told God that this was His tournament. I told Him I wanted more than anything in the world to qualify for nationals, but if He didn't want me to, then I would still rejoice - whatever was His will.
I think He took me up on it - although I sure didn't think it would happen this way.
About a third of the way through that conversation, we had to pause because they had to go announce debate breaks. So I went into the bathroom, dried my eyes, and told God this was for Him...over, and over, and over again. Then I told myself I was fabulous, that everything was fabulous, and went back into the room and recited 1 Corinthians 13 three times through to myself before they came back.
And then they did. My brain kept spinning, they kept questioning me, repeating over and over again that I had admitted to making a connection between a Chinese shirt and a Chinese speech and therefore had violated the rule......
I understood their intentions. I understood their reasoning. I understood, and they knew it. But no amount of our position could persuade them otherwise.
But through the tears, some kind of peace kept pushing. My heart kept crying out that God had a plan, He had a reason. He was still sovereign, still good.
It could have been the sheer injustice of it all. But by the time I arrived Saturday morning, my entire club knew - and it was oh, such a beautiful blessing to be surrounded by people I loved and who loved me. By the end of the day, it felt like half the competitors were on my side.
After the tournament, they (the board of directors/interrogators) told me I would have broken to semis. (we asked for this information) I knew that was the case. I know I would have broken to finals, and I'm convinced I would have qualified for nationals.
But something in me kept saying, "look at all the ways God has blessed you. You aren't going to nationals, but look what else you have."
- I qualified to regionals. Most novices aren't expected to get that far.
- Regionals was in WA. Normally it's somewhere else, like Colorado. That's far.
- If that wasn't enough: Regionals was 2 minutes from my house. A 15 minute walk. Closer than any of the qualifying tournaments.
- The only event I never broke in was impromptu (my DI, IO, and duo all qualified for Regionals)
- Alright, alright, it is my first year. (but I set high goals for myself, first year or not)
- My IO placed 2nd and 3rd in qualifiers
- God provided the means for me to compete in 3 qualifiers, one of which was out of state
- Our duo broke to semis at regionals - something I was not expecting
- My friends, Oh, Heavenly Father, my friends are such a blessing.
This is a poem that Gray wrote awhile back, which she shared with me after the tournament:
Lord, I come with humbled heart,
My pride has left my eyes.
I come a child, full of trust,
I leave behind all ties.
I come a child, unconcerned
With things too great for me,
I come a child, longing just
To sit here, at your knee.
With quiet soul, and patient heart,
I put my hope in you.
I give my heart! I give my soul!
I’m yours, Lord, through and through!
The Weight of Glory
Have you ever been in the place where you're so caught up in the mucky things in life that you begin to find your identity in your problems?
After my disqualification, I was trying very, very hard not to let this happen to me. I've done it with lots of other situations and I was sick of the depressing feeling and the tears. I didn't want to let it eat me up. As much as I love the comfort of my friends, I didn't want to be selfish and self-centered by trying to draw a lot of attention to myself.
It's hard to stay focused on God regardless of feelings. And by Wednesday, I was getting pretty bad at it. But about halfway through Wednesday, I realized that I could not let this get to me. I literally told myself:
Hannah. You are disqualified. You are not going to Nationals. We live, we learn, we move on. God obviously didn't want you there, so you need to buck up and keep going.
I think I had myself somewhat consoled, when dad ran and told me to get off the internet quick, because we needed to save bandwidth and Mrs. P was on the phone. (she was the assistant tournament director)
Almost the moment my coach said "we need to talk about your IO", I knew my dream of going to nationals was going down the drain. And the moment I heard Mrs. P was on the phone, I was almost positive I knew what she had called about.
....I was right. (::happy dance!::) Mrs. P was calling to tell me that I had received an at large slot for my IO. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
For those of you not in speech, "at large" is when you do well in multiple tournaments (I'm guessing like 4th or higher in at least 2 tournaments - but what does this novice know?) but don't qualify for nationals at the regional tournament. This "at large" slot is a spot in the national tournament!!!!!
So yes, in plain, beautiful, wonderful English: I AM GOING TO NATIONALS!
::calms down::
It absolutely amazes me what God can - and will - do, when we "carry on". Not just "*sniffsniff*, okay, I can do this" kind of thing. Really, totally, and fully realizing that God has a greater purpose, and continuing on in the faith that He will reveal it to you in time.
Saying that "there is a reason, there is a hope, God is still good, He is GOD, and I will worship Him no matter what" is precious in the dark. It's what you hold onto.
I've never felt such peace about accepting God's will before. About letting go, and throwing myself into the trust of my Heavenly Father. And when I did, it suddenly put into perspective all the other things that were only partially surrendered to God. Things like church and friendships. While I've tried to surrender them to God, I always seemed to "find identity" in those problems. This problem was just as emotional - but comparatively smaller than others - which put it into perspective for me what it means to surrender something to God.
It is not until we do that that the morning can come. And no matter how long it takes to dawn, whether it be a month, a year, or 5 days as it did for me, this is my prayer - With everything I am, and everything I have - I dedicate myself to doing one thing well: I will love you.
After my disqualification, I was trying very, very hard not to let this happen to me. I've done it with lots of other situations and I was sick of the depressing feeling and the tears. I didn't want to let it eat me up. As much as I love the comfort of my friends, I didn't want to be selfish and self-centered by trying to draw a lot of attention to myself.
It's hard to stay focused on God regardless of feelings. And by Wednesday, I was getting pretty bad at it. But about halfway through Wednesday, I realized that I could not let this get to me. I literally told myself:
Hannah. You are disqualified. You are not going to Nationals. We live, we learn, we move on. God obviously didn't want you there, so you need to buck up and keep going.
I think I had myself somewhat consoled, when dad ran and told me to get off the internet quick, because we needed to save bandwidth and Mrs. P was on the phone. (she was the assistant tournament director)
Almost the moment my coach said "we need to talk about your IO", I knew my dream of going to nationals was going down the drain. And the moment I heard Mrs. P was on the phone, I was almost positive I knew what she had called about.
....I was right. (::happy dance!::) Mrs. P was calling to tell me that I had received an at large slot for my IO. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
For those of you not in speech, "at large" is when you do well in multiple tournaments (I'm guessing like 4th or higher in at least 2 tournaments - but what does this novice know?) but don't qualify for nationals at the regional tournament. This "at large" slot is a spot in the national tournament!!!!!
So yes, in plain, beautiful, wonderful English: I AM GOING TO NATIONALS!
::calms down::
It absolutely amazes me what God can - and will - do, when we "carry on". Not just "*sniffsniff*, okay, I can do this" kind of thing. Really, totally, and fully realizing that God has a greater purpose, and continuing on in the faith that He will reveal it to you in time.
Saying that "there is a reason, there is a hope, God is still good, He is GOD, and I will worship Him no matter what" is precious in the dark. It's what you hold onto.
I've never felt such peace about accepting God's will before. About letting go, and throwing myself into the trust of my Heavenly Father. And when I did, it suddenly put into perspective all the other things that were only partially surrendered to God. Things like church and friendships. While I've tried to surrender them to God, I always seemed to "find identity" in those problems. This problem was just as emotional - but comparatively smaller than others - which put it into perspective for me what it means to surrender something to God.
It is not until we do that that the morning can come. And no matter how long it takes to dawn, whether it be a month, a year, or 5 days as it did for me, this is my prayer - With everything I am, and everything I have - I dedicate myself to doing one thing well: I will love you.
Tuesday, April 6
Forever and Allways
There's this sticky note on our refrigerator that my little brother wrote.
If you can't read it, it says "ALLWAYS BE HAPPY"He wrote it one day when someone was in a bad mood. I thought it was really cute - and sweet. :) But it also made me think. I love how he spelled "always": ALLWAYS, with two L's, making it like "all-ways"
Here is a list of the different meanings the word "always" can have.
Here is a list of the different meanings the word "always" can have.
- Seemingly without interruption
- often and repeatedly
- at any time or in any event
- forever
- throughout all time
- at all times
- all the time and on any occasion
"I always do it this way!"
"You always are teasing me!"
"I always thought you were afraid of me"
It's another one of those words that are thrown around a lot. Does it bug you that such huge, universal words with such depth are used so flippantly? Love, joy, never, always, Jesus....the list goes on.
But take it with some more depth here.
...giving thanks [always] for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ (Eph. 5:20)
Where "always" is in brackets, read it again, but put in "in all your ways".
giving thanks [in all your ways] for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ (Eph. 5:20)
Always: In all your ways, meaning in whatever situation you encounter - choosing to rejoice, to joy in the Lord (Hab. 3),
Then I thought of another thing. You've probably heard the phrase "forever and always". I always thought it was kind of redundant..."forever and always".
(Let me rabbit trail a bit here and note how I used "always" in that sentence. I did it without even thinking. It's interesting, isn't it?)
But if you change it to "forever and allways", you get something different - not just forever and forever - forever and in every way. We should love God not only in all our ways, in everything we do, but forever. And God loves us and cares for us in the exact same way - forever and allways.
Sunday, March 28
God of Silence
Have you ever thought about it this way?
Holy darkness, blessed night
heaven's answer hidden from our sight.
As we await you, O God of silence,
we embrace your holy night.
I have tried you in fires of affliction;
I have taught your soul to grieve.
In the barren soil of your loneliness,
there I will plant my seed.
I have taught you the price of compassion;
you have stood before the grave.
Though my love can seem
like a raging storm,
this is the love that saves.
Were you there
when I raised up the mountains?
Can you guide the morning star?
Does the hawk take flight
when you give command?
Why do you doubt my pow'r?
In your deepest hour of darkness
I will give you wealth untold.
When the silence stills your spirit,
will my riches fill your soul.
As the watchman waits for morning,
and the bride awaits her groom,
so we wait to hear your footsteps
as we rest beneath your moon.
Holy darkness, blessed night
heaven's answer hidden from our sight.
As we await you, O God of silence,
we embrace your holy night.
I have tried you in fires of affliction;
I have taught your soul to grieve.
In the barren soil of your loneliness,
there I will plant my seed.
I have taught you the price of compassion;
you have stood before the grave.
Though my love can seem
like a raging storm,
this is the love that saves.
Were you there
when I raised up the mountains?
Can you guide the morning star?
Does the hawk take flight
when you give command?
Why do you doubt my pow'r?
In your deepest hour of darkness
I will give you wealth untold.
When the silence stills your spirit,
will my riches fill your soul.
As the watchman waits for morning,
and the bride awaits her groom,
so we wait to hear your footsteps
as we rest beneath your moon.
Tuesday, March 9
What about your turban?
Our neighborhood is nearly entirely inhabited by Sikhs and Muslims. (You know, the turbaned people who drive taxis and pray five times a day and paint their houses neon orange)
But they're dedicated, rather peaceful people, actually. (at least the ones around us!)
I'm always seeing them walking and doing those weird stretches at the park. If you smile at them, they smile and nod, and sometimes they'll let they're overly hyper child pet your dog.
If you happen to be introduced to one by one of their English speaking children, they are always quite cheerful and happy to meet you.
And if you've ever had the opportunity to poke your head into their house, you would see rugs galore, tapestries, doorsigns, photos, and mats. There would also be a pleasant smell of food that lingers just about all the time. Their gardens are full of all sorts of fruits, vegetables, and other exotic plants.
Living in a neighborhood surrounded by them, I've met a couple myself. And they really are quite pleasant people.
They do all of this in their headcoverings, pillowing dresses, braids, turbans, and ancient slippers.
No matter how spiritually lost they may be, you've got to admire commitment like that. This is in today's world - where we are constantly being pushed and shoved around to fit under a certain expectation.
Haven't you noticed how easy it is to tell what religion they're from - or at least what group of people? Even from a really young age, you can tell - because little boys and girls aren't allowed to cut their hair. (at least, this is my understanding....)
As Christians, what makes us different? Are we always as pleasant to strangers as they are? People don't necessarily have to be able to tell your beliefs by a single glance. But what impression do they get after interacting with you?
No, I haven't forgotten. We are saved by grace through faith and not by works - which sadly many of these religions believe we have to do to be saved. So we don't have to dress up in long dresses and cover ourselves up to our noses and drive out to a temple five times a day.
But what God does want us to do is to be attentive to His leading - to separate ourselves from the world. You can't be the same "except for Jesus". There has to be change in your life.
Romans 12:2 says and do not conform to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind - that you may prove what is that good and acceptable, and perfect will of God.
Am I willing to face whatever discrimination may come so that Christ is proclaimed? Giving up certain styles of clothing, music, or speech? Where does my identity lie, and how does that play a role in my life?
Our way of life is influenced so heavily on what we believe about ourselves. What do my actions say about what I believe? What kind of "turban" do I wear? =P
Friday, March 5
Verse Of The Day
For it is God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.
But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.
We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed--always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.
For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus' sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.
So then death is working in us, but life in you...Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. -2 Corinthians 4:5-12, 16-18
But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.
We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed--always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.
For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus' sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.
So then death is working in us, but life in you...Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. -2 Corinthians 4:5-12, 16-18
Monday, March 1
The Song You Sing
We all have excuses// why living in fear//something in us dies//
Like a bird with broken wings//its not how high he flies//but the song he sings
(Courage Is, The Strange Familiar)
Like a bird with broken wings//its not how high he flies//but the song he sings
(Courage Is, The Strange Familiar)
Saturday, February 27
Will I Love You?
One of my friends recently got me into Robert Pierre's music. He's a Christian artist, and he's 17 years old. I think he made his first album when he was 15 or 16. He sounds like Chris Tomlin, except better. (in my opinion :P)
I was listening to "I will love you" a few minutes ago, and a particular line made me think....
I'll live a life that says//You give me every song
With my every breath//I'll make Your mercy known
With every soul on earth//or all alone
I will love You//I will love You.
It's easy to say we'll worship God with all the other Christians. But if No One on earth was a Christian - would you still love God? Okay, so realistically that probably won't happen. But there are real situations in life where I'm the only Christian in a group, or the only one who holds a certain view. Do I still live my life to show that Jesus gives me my song, my breath, my life?
Not only that, but do I really love God? With everything in me, striving to put Him first?
The more I realize the fallen-ness of myself, of the world, the more I stand in awe of God's grace and love. And the least I can do is return what human love I have as a living sacrifice for Him - whether with every soul on earth, or all alone.
I was listening to "I will love you" a few minutes ago, and a particular line made me think....
I'll live a life that says//You give me every song
With my every breath//I'll make Your mercy known
With every soul on earth//or all alone
I will love You//I will love You.
It's easy to say we'll worship God with all the other Christians. But if No One on earth was a Christian - would you still love God? Okay, so realistically that probably won't happen. But there are real situations in life where I'm the only Christian in a group, or the only one who holds a certain view. Do I still live my life to show that Jesus gives me my song, my breath, my life?
Not only that, but do I really love God? With everything in me, striving to put Him first?
The more I realize the fallen-ness of myself, of the world, the more I stand in awe of God's grace and love. And the least I can do is return what human love I have as a living sacrifice for Him - whether with every soul on earth, or all alone.
Tuesday, January 26
From A.A. Milne
Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
"Pooh!" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw.
"I just wanted to be sure of you."
"Pooh!" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw.
"I just wanted to be sure of you."
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