You know that "trust" game that we used to play as kids?
Or in Sunday school during youth group?
You fall back and you trust the person behind you to catch you. (or supposedly. That was the point, at least)
Faith...trust...it's not just that. Because when you're standing there trusting that person to catch you, you are also expecting them to. You know they're going to do it. (or at least try to. You get the idea.)
Faith isn't like that.
Faith is wild.
And God is not always going to catch you with his arms.
Earth shattering, I know. We like that picture to go with the song, oh, I'm happy in your arms or something mushy like that.
Sometimes he's going to let you fall for a long time before he catches you. Sometimes he's going to use a parachute and make you think you're falling and then you realize you're not. Sometimes he'll use something bizarre, like an upside down umbrella. Pokey. but it works, you know? Or maybe a blanket, or a swimming pool, or a tardis. Or a bucket. That would be painful.
The point is, he is going to catch you, you just don't know how.
Trust is not expectation.
Trust is placing your faith in the truth that God knows what you need, not what you think you need. It is knowing that it is not up to me to decide whether I get land on a fluffy mattress or a bed of pillows. Actually, it might be a bed of blackberry bushes for all I know.
The choice is not mine. The outcome is unknown. But the peace is transcendent.
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Monday, December 3
Saturday, November 3
Life was meant to be shared.
Joy is not our own.
Laughter is best with another.
Freedom is sweet in the company of many.
Love was not meant to possess, but to be poured.
Community is sweet,
and in it we have safety.
One is mighty,
Two is strong.
Three is not easily broken,
But together we can be unstoppable.
Together we can change the world.
But we are not delirious, not disillusioned.
Not blindly optimistic,
not shouting out happiness just because we can.
We are all hurting,
but we are finding healing.
We are selfish,
but we are finding out how to love.
We screw up,
but we will continue to forgive.
Heartbreak is necessary,
and I will embrace it.
We are finding -- not a hope that is naive,
but a hope transcendent.
A strength beyond feeling.
This is not a battle cry.
It is not a blundering, blind pressing forward just to get through.
It is not an inspirational high.
It is the transcendent,
it is peace,
and it is beyond my understanding.
Joy is not our own.
Laughter is best with another.
Freedom is sweet in the company of many.
Love was not meant to possess, but to be poured.
Community is sweet,
and in it we have safety.
One is mighty,
Two is strong.
Three is not easily broken,
But together we can be unstoppable.
Together we can change the world.
But we are not delirious, not disillusioned.
Not blindly optimistic,
not shouting out happiness just because we can.
We are all hurting,
but we are finding healing.
We are selfish,
but we are finding out how to love.
We screw up,
but we will continue to forgive.
Heartbreak is necessary,
and I will embrace it.
We are finding -- not a hope that is naive,
but a hope transcendent.
A strength beyond feeling.
This is not a battle cry.
It is not a blundering, blind pressing forward just to get through.
It is not an inspirational high.
It is the transcendent,
it is peace,
and it is beyond my understanding.
Thursday, June 14
The Games I Play
I've been holding off posting this because, as I've mentioned before, I don't like the possibility of being categorized as one of the screaming fangirl masses. Argh. Here it is anyway. And for those of you who haven't read the series, you can still read this post. =)
My original thoughts about The Hunger Games was mostly that it was a fad, a typical thing-that-everyone-was-into, and that while it's a great series, it wasn't all that deep.
And to an extent, that's still true. It really isn't like Plato or Lewis or even Kate DiCamillo. The second time I read the series through, I was hoping to glean brilliant quotes as I went, and there just weren't any. But there is one genius thing for which I must give Suzanne Collins credit, which I believe most of the screaming fangirl populous doesn't get...which is sickly ironic, especially since they've now made it into a movie.
I'm starting to realize how right she was in the whole series: about the Games. Apparently most of my intelligent peer group understood this way faster than I did...perhaps because I just let myself live in its alternate reality for so long.
My life...is a Game. I'm my own tribute in my own Hunger Games. Fighting to stay true to myself and my values while living in a world that is constantly pushing me to play by their rules while they broadcast false generalizations to the public in order to control the masses.
I have to submit to some form of government. I have to follow the rules when I sign a job contract. I am fighting, always fighting, to stay true to myself, to not be defined by anything else but my Creator. Living in a culture where looks can kill, in a place where media and technology pushes us to form a presentable self that is perfect and conformed -- but is not truly who we are.
Media is mostly a lie. Have you ever watched a video editor at work? Have you ever seen the kind of material they slog through in order to make a finished product? My brother makes movies, and as you know I'm a huge fan of them, so I'm definitely not bashing them.
But they're illusions. They're false realities. Do you know how many takes it took to get that scene right? How many voice overs, sound recordings, lighting changes, and script edits it took to make that 2-minute shot you see in front of you? The costumes, the makeup, the rehearsals. It's not what really happened. In real life they had dozens of cameras and sound equipment hovering over them while they pretended to fall in love or jump off that cliff (onto the cushy trampoline at the not-so-deep bottom).
Video editing -- putting it all together to make it look nice -- is a frustrating process. I've never done it, but I've been in close observation of people who do. You have hundreds of angles of the same shot to choose from, and the splicing and dicing and hours it takes to even get a single scene done can be agonizing.
We allow ourselves to be infatuated with this alternate reality and then become frustrated when our own doesn't line up: but the truth is, it will never line up, because the alternate reality simply is not true. Movies, media -- they are all false perceptions of reality that were jacked up to look fancy, to make us think our lives should be something that they are not.
Television, news, facebook, social media: it's all edited to what people think the world will want
to see and hear. It becomes not only a false perception of reality, but a false perception of yourself.
And not only that, but we soon become a slave to it. I still fight my own slavery to the internet. I'm a compulsive email checker. It's like I have to check it every other half hour for some odd reason, in case I miss something awesome. I've probably clicked on the open gmail tab next to this post about 6-10 times in the last hour as I've been writing this post, despite the fact that I know a little (1) will show up if I really have a new email.
I'm a slave. I'm a piece in the Media Games.
We become slaves to false selves. To somebody that does not even exist. To a system that's making us numb, dumb, and complacent -- just like the people of Panem: blindly and hopelessly supporting an atrocious, disgusting game. What other terrible things am I blindly supporting?
Or perhaps worse -- what horrible things in this world am I refusing to take a stance on, to fight against? The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
In the Hunger Games, the gamemakers could do whatever the wanted to get the kids to kill each other. From materializing fireballs from nowhere to creating animals that screeched the voice of someone you knew, they cut the cameras away from the things that they didn't want the public to see, and only showed the gory fighting.
I feel like that's the culture I'm living in. Dressing up the media to make you think your life should be a certain way. Yeah, we don't kill each other -- but maybe we're even worse. We're building up false realities and ideas of perfection and labels and trying to fit everything into it. We're not murdering physical bodies, but we're destroying our souls.
But somehow...somehow, Katniss and Peeta managed to overturn the system. They refused to play the Capitol's Game.
What do we need to do to overturn the system of our culture? Is it even possible? This is the call for something beyond ourselves, the cry of our soul to our Maker. Somehow, none of this is possible without Him. I honestly don't know how yet, but that's the kind of quest that I'm on. The kind of purpose I was made for.
To discover the One who defines me and conform to His version of what my life should be: not my culture's. And then somehow...share that truth with the world that I live in.
Yet another beautiful reason why I love the word 'transcendence'. Watch this video again, or for the first time if you haven't yet. The message is so, so powerful.
It's that moment when you realize that your life has been lived in the face of a projector screen. And suddenly you feel that pull, that call: you were made for more than this. You have a greater purpose beyond letting everyone else just shine their light on you -- you have your own light to shine.
To fight the good fight, you need a drive. You need a purpose -- and it doesn't come from yourself. It doesn't come from your culture. It comes from your Maker.
It's my own, literal, real life Hunger Games.
My original thoughts about The Hunger Games was mostly that it was a fad, a typical thing-that-everyone-was-into, and that while it's a great series, it wasn't all that deep.
And to an extent, that's still true. It really isn't like Plato or Lewis or even Kate DiCamillo. The second time I read the series through, I was hoping to glean brilliant quotes as I went, and there just weren't any. But there is one genius thing for which I must give Suzanne Collins credit, which I believe most of the screaming fangirl populous doesn't get...which is sickly ironic, especially since they've now made it into a movie.
I'm starting to realize how right she was in the whole series: about the Games. Apparently most of my intelligent peer group understood this way faster than I did...perhaps because I just let myself live in its alternate reality for so long.
My life...is a Game. I'm my own tribute in my own Hunger Games. Fighting to stay true to myself and my values while living in a world that is constantly pushing me to play by their rules while they broadcast false generalizations to the public in order to control the masses.
I have to submit to some form of government. I have to follow the rules when I sign a job contract. I am fighting, always fighting, to stay true to myself, to not be defined by anything else but my Creator. Living in a culture where looks can kill, in a place where media and technology pushes us to form a presentable self that is perfect and conformed -- but is not truly who we are.
Media is mostly a lie. Have you ever watched a video editor at work? Have you ever seen the kind of material they slog through in order to make a finished product? My brother makes movies, and as you know I'm a huge fan of them, so I'm definitely not bashing them.
But they're illusions. They're false realities. Do you know how many takes it took to get that scene right? How many voice overs, sound recordings, lighting changes, and script edits it took to make that 2-minute shot you see in front of you? The costumes, the makeup, the rehearsals. It's not what really happened. In real life they had dozens of cameras and sound equipment hovering over them while they pretended to fall in love or jump off that cliff (onto the cushy trampoline at the not-so-deep bottom).Video editing -- putting it all together to make it look nice -- is a frustrating process. I've never done it, but I've been in close observation of people who do. You have hundreds of angles of the same shot to choose from, and the splicing and dicing and hours it takes to even get a single scene done can be agonizing.
We allow ourselves to be infatuated with this alternate reality and then become frustrated when our own doesn't line up: but the truth is, it will never line up, because the alternate reality simply is not true. Movies, media -- they are all false perceptions of reality that were jacked up to look fancy, to make us think our lives should be something that they are not.
Television, news, facebook, social media: it's all edited to what people think the world will want
to see and hear. It becomes not only a false perception of reality, but a false perception of yourself.And not only that, but we soon become a slave to it. I still fight my own slavery to the internet. I'm a compulsive email checker. It's like I have to check it every other half hour for some odd reason, in case I miss something awesome. I've probably clicked on the open gmail tab next to this post about 6-10 times in the last hour as I've been writing this post, despite the fact that I know a little (1) will show up if I really have a new email.
I'm a slave. I'm a piece in the Media Games.
We become slaves to false selves. To somebody that does not even exist. To a system that's making us numb, dumb, and complacent -- just like the people of Panem: blindly and hopelessly supporting an atrocious, disgusting game. What other terrible things am I blindly supporting?
Or perhaps worse -- what horrible things in this world am I refusing to take a stance on, to fight against? The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
In the Hunger Games, the gamemakers could do whatever the wanted to get the kids to kill each other. From materializing fireballs from nowhere to creating animals that screeched the voice of someone you knew, they cut the cameras away from the things that they didn't want the public to see, and only showed the gory fighting.
I feel like that's the culture I'm living in. Dressing up the media to make you think your life should be a certain way. Yeah, we don't kill each other -- but maybe we're even worse. We're building up false realities and ideas of perfection and labels and trying to fit everything into it. We're not murdering physical bodies, but we're destroying our souls.
But somehow...somehow, Katniss and Peeta managed to overturn the system. They refused to play the Capitol's Game.
What do we need to do to overturn the system of our culture? Is it even possible? This is the call for something beyond ourselves, the cry of our soul to our Maker. Somehow, none of this is possible without Him. I honestly don't know how yet, but that's the kind of quest that I'm on. The kind of purpose I was made for.
To discover the One who defines me and conform to His version of what my life should be: not my culture's. And then somehow...share that truth with the world that I live in.
Yet another beautiful reason why I love the word 'transcendence'. Watch this video again, or for the first time if you haven't yet. The message is so, so powerful.
It's that moment when you realize that your life has been lived in the face of a projector screen. And suddenly you feel that pull, that call: you were made for more than this. You have a greater purpose beyond letting everyone else just shine their light on you -- you have your own light to shine.
To fight the good fight, you need a drive. You need a purpose -- and it doesn't come from yourself. It doesn't come from your culture. It comes from your Maker.
It's my own, literal, real life Hunger Games.
Wednesday, May 30
See Where It Leads
It's that call for something beyond you.
For something Greater.
Purpose. Drive. Peace.
That's what this song is about.
Pardon the Bulgarian subtitles. I can't find a normal one. =P Here are the lyrics. Really, listen to the whole song, it's good.
It's our calling.
When we step aside
From the center of our lives
When we learn to love mercy
More than being right
Pursuing peace and honesty
Can I love mercy more than being right? I've thought a lot about that especially with debate lately. Debate, it seems, has recently been a battle of who is more right. But in reality, it's not about proving who is more right, but about what you learn along the way. It's not about being right but -- when it comes down to it -- about being honest and loving.
Yes, there really are loving ways to debate personal freedom and economic security.
Starting down the road of selflessness
And seeing where it leads
Lately I've been obsessed with the idea of not jumping into anything without knowing what it might hold. I've been consumed with trying to know that whatever choice I make, the outcome will be successful and fulfilling. (Who do I think I am, God?)
When was the last time I just started down a path just to see where it lead -- as opposed to always worrying about which one will take me to the best place possible?
Am I that daring? Could I surrender my precious dreams for something greater that I can't yet see? It's not just a dream like a dream of being a famous gymnast or a world renowned debater.
No, this is the dream of thrill, adventure, laughter, friendship, happiness, contentment. Of being a person of worth on my own merit. The dream of being confident, capable, likeable. The dream of having control over my life and what happens in it - as if my own thwarted agenda will make me content.
It's the dream of a fulfilled life. What better could there be right?
My 7th grade teacher taught me that the key to happiness is fulfilling your purpose. But do you have any idea how stressful (not to mention impossible and vain) this kind of a dream this is? I wasn't created for this kind of purpose.
I was created for something more. A purpose that only a wildly glorious Creator could instill. And somehow, it's one that only he can fulfill.
There's a better way to live.
For something Greater.
Purpose. Drive. Peace.
That's what this song is about.
Pardon the Bulgarian subtitles. I can't find a normal one. =P Here are the lyrics. Really, listen to the whole song, it's good.
It's our calling.
When we step aside
From the center of our lives
When we learn to love mercy
More than being right
Pursuing peace and honesty
Can I love mercy more than being right? I've thought a lot about that especially with debate lately. Debate, it seems, has recently been a battle of who is more right. But in reality, it's not about proving who is more right, but about what you learn along the way. It's not about being right but -- when it comes down to it -- about being honest and loving.
Yes, there really are loving ways to debate personal freedom and economic security.
Starting down the road of selflessness
And seeing where it leads
Lately I've been obsessed with the idea of not jumping into anything without knowing what it might hold. I've been consumed with trying to know that whatever choice I make, the outcome will be successful and fulfilling. (Who do I think I am, God?)
When was the last time I just started down a path just to see where it lead -- as opposed to always worrying about which one will take me to the best place possible?
Am I that daring? Could I surrender my precious dreams for something greater that I can't yet see? It's not just a dream like a dream of being a famous gymnast or a world renowned debater.
No, this is the dream of thrill, adventure, laughter, friendship, happiness, contentment. Of being a person of worth on my own merit. The dream of being confident, capable, likeable. The dream of having control over my life and what happens in it - as if my own thwarted agenda will make me content.
It's the dream of a fulfilled life. What better could there be right?
My 7th grade teacher taught me that the key to happiness is fulfilling your purpose. But do you have any idea how stressful (not to mention impossible and vain) this kind of a dream this is? I wasn't created for this kind of purpose.
I was created for something more. A purpose that only a wildly glorious Creator could instill. And somehow, it's one that only he can fulfill.
There's a better way to live.
Friday, May 25
My 5 favorite words.
I used to think it was crazy that a person could have a "favorite word." It's like....buddy, there are billions of words in the English language. How can you have a favorite?
Alas, reader, I have come to discover that the number of things I used-to-think-were-weird-but-now-find-amazing is slowly increasing. Darnit, I think I'm growing up.
So here we go. My top 5 favorite words (as of right now):
5. Beauty
Our culture has such thwarted views of beauty. We think that beauty is fashion, beauty is perfection, beauty is makeup, it's in looks, it's having things. But beauty is so much farther beyond that.
Hannah Farver gives an awesome definition of beauty in her book "Uncompromising."
"Define beauty in a pair of scissors." [I said]
"Scissors aren't beautiful!" [Daria] cried indignantly
"How do you know? What makes a pair of scissors beautiful?"
Daria grabbed the pair of scissors on her desk.
"They're...uh...scissors are beautiful...because of how well they function."
"So if scissors work the way their maker wanted them to work, then they're beautiful?"
Beauty is not defined by the external looks, but by internal purpose.
Have you ever had a boyfriend, or a best friend, or a really adorable nephew, or somebody -- who made something for you? And if you were to advertise this gift on tv or in magazines, you probably wouldn't get a lot of interest. But it's precious because of who made it for you, and why they made it.
I feel like the word "beauty" is thrown around so much that it doesn't have the depth of meaning that it really should.
Beauty is defined by the sheer wonder of the purpose a thing was created for -- and of the Creator Himself. This is why trees are more beautiful than computers, flowers are more beautiful than cell phones, and my dog is more beautiful than your ipod.
Man made things are pretty, but God-made things are beautiful.
This is why you are beautiful. Your soul, the very essence of your being, your purpose, your existence, is simply....delightful. Wonderful.
Beautiful.
Which brings me to my next favorite word:
4. Purpose.
I think I've mentioned my 7th grade teacher a couple times on this blog now, and I really wish I had some way of contacting him so that I could tell him how much his theology class impacted me. He taught me that you will be happy when you fulfill your purpose.
There is something driving, invigorating, wildly fulfilling about the word purpose. To have a purpose is to know that you have worth. Your existence is not meaningless. There is no higher calling than fulfilling the purpose for which you were created.
"I like to imagine that the world is one big machine. You know, machines never have any extra parts. They have the exact number and type of parts they need. So I figure if the entire world is a big machine, I have to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too." -Hugo (::squee!:: another opportunity to quote "The Invention of Hugo Cabret")
We were created for relationships: to love God and to love other people.
But I also think we were created to seek, and to never stop seeking. The funny thing about relationships is that they're ongoing. You don't simply "arrive," and you will never be done. You are always seeking to know a person better, talk to them more, and so on.
Part of our purpose is seeking, climbing, working to discover the truth. I used to think that "purpose" was a goal you were trying to achieve. But now...I think it's more the reason you are trying to achieve it.
Which brings me to...
3. Quest.
I can't mention how much I love this word without mentioning one of my favorite books, "The Tale of Despereaux."
"And what, may I ask, do you intend to do with the thread?" [said the Threadmaster]
"Save the princess." [said Despereaux]
"Ah, yes. The princess...and how, exactly, will you use a spool of thread to save a princess?"
"A rat has taken her and hidden her in the dungeon, so I have to go back to the dungeon, and it is full of twists and turns and hidden chambers. And I have to find her...and I have to lead her back. I...I will use thread."
"I see, I see," he said. "You, my friend, are on a quest."
"I don't know what that is," said Despereaux.
"You don't have to know. You just have to feel compelled to do the thing, the impossible, important task at hand."
A Quest. Impossible. Important.
The wonderful thing about the word "quest" is that not only is it a journey towards an end, but something about it implies that you are not merely on it for the gold at the end. There is more to this journey than simply reaching the finish line. There are discoveries to be made, souls to make friends with, beauty to be found -- all along the way.
When you're climbing a mountain, you're obviously trying to get to the top. But the top is not what it's all about. There's also the journey upwards, the path that you take, the things you discover on the way. That's what a quest is. Learning, discovering, uncovering new and exciting things that continue to press you forward, closer to the top of the mountain, but making everything beautiful along the way.
2. Truth
To be honest, the power of the word "truth" sometimes makes me shudder a little. Truth is not a fairytale, truth is not in my head, it transcends what I feel and what I think and is not subject to anything or anyone. It simply is. It is more than a teaching, more than an idea, more than a topic of discussion.
It reaches beyond the confines of religion and soars above even the limits of Christianity. It baffles our tiny, ant-sized views of reality. Truth does not change because God does not change, and God is truth.
It's something that, once discovered, is unshakeable, unstoppable, and changes your life forever.
And you shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
Bringing me lastly to...
1. Transcendence
I don't know exactly why, but I have always loved the word "transcend."
"To transcend something isn't just to get past it or to move on from something, but it means to completely overcome something in life." -Lindsey Stirling.
Transcend means beyond. It means above, it means throughout. Something that transcends this world is something that is not limited to this world - it is so far beyond this world. It can't be held captive, cannot be defined.
So many things in this life are temporary. They are finite, fluffy little things that only last for a short amount of time. I often look at the futility of it all and wonder why does this matter?
I feel like the answer lies in all of the first 4 words that I listed. Beauty, Purpose, Quest, and Truth.
Part of what I loved about The Hunger Games was that it didn't end happily ever after. The world was still the imperfect, broken world, and injustice would always be there. But it was worth it because of what they were seeking to do. There was a higher cause, a higher truth, a greater purpose. Transcending the brokenness.
Beauty...purpose...truth...they transcend the futility in this life. They go beyond the frustration, disappointment, complacency, anger, and confusion -- to a truth that is beyond myself. A truth that is greater than me.
This...this truth is so far beyond the realms of our world. It is beautiful, it has purpose, because of the God who defines it. Therefore, not only is it beautiful, but it is in this quest for truth and beauty that we find our purpose, that the glory of God can transcend into our tiny world and shatter our lives with his truth.
And now, the inexplicable happiness inside of me for having used my 5 favorite words in a single sentence is kind of overflowing.
Do you have favorite words?
Alas, reader, I have come to discover that the number of things I used-to-think-were-weird-but-now-find-amazing is slowly increasing. Darnit, I think I'm growing up.
So here we go. My top 5 favorite words (as of right now):
5. Beauty
Our culture has such thwarted views of beauty. We think that beauty is fashion, beauty is perfection, beauty is makeup, it's in looks, it's having things. But beauty is so much farther beyond that.
Hannah Farver gives an awesome definition of beauty in her book "Uncompromising."
"Define beauty in a pair of scissors." [I said]
"Scissors aren't beautiful!" [Daria] cried indignantly
"How do you know? What makes a pair of scissors beautiful?"
Daria grabbed the pair of scissors on her desk.
"They're...uh...scissors are beautiful...because of how well they function."
"So if scissors work the way their maker wanted them to work, then they're beautiful?"
Beauty is not defined by the external looks, but by internal purpose.
Have you ever had a boyfriend, or a best friend, or a really adorable nephew, or somebody -- who made something for you? And if you were to advertise this gift on tv or in magazines, you probably wouldn't get a lot of interest. But it's precious because of who made it for you, and why they made it.
I feel like the word "beauty" is thrown around so much that it doesn't have the depth of meaning that it really should.
Beauty is defined by the sheer wonder of the purpose a thing was created for -- and of the Creator Himself. This is why trees are more beautiful than computers, flowers are more beautiful than cell phones, and my dog is more beautiful than your ipod.
Man made things are pretty, but God-made things are beautiful.
This is why you are beautiful. Your soul, the very essence of your being, your purpose, your existence, is simply....delightful. Wonderful.
Beautiful.
Which brings me to my next favorite word:
4. Purpose.
I think I've mentioned my 7th grade teacher a couple times on this blog now, and I really wish I had some way of contacting him so that I could tell him how much his theology class impacted me. He taught me that you will be happy when you fulfill your purpose.
There is something driving, invigorating, wildly fulfilling about the word purpose. To have a purpose is to know that you have worth. Your existence is not meaningless. There is no higher calling than fulfilling the purpose for which you were created.
"I like to imagine that the world is one big machine. You know, machines never have any extra parts. They have the exact number and type of parts they need. So I figure if the entire world is a big machine, I have to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too." -Hugo (::squee!:: another opportunity to quote "The Invention of Hugo Cabret")
We were created for relationships: to love God and to love other people.
But I also think we were created to seek, and to never stop seeking. The funny thing about relationships is that they're ongoing. You don't simply "arrive," and you will never be done. You are always seeking to know a person better, talk to them more, and so on.
Part of our purpose is seeking, climbing, working to discover the truth. I used to think that "purpose" was a goal you were trying to achieve. But now...I think it's more the reason you are trying to achieve it.
Which brings me to...
3. Quest.
I can't mention how much I love this word without mentioning one of my favorite books, "The Tale of Despereaux."
"And what, may I ask, do you intend to do with the thread?" [said the Threadmaster]
"Save the princess." [said Despereaux]
"Ah, yes. The princess...and how, exactly, will you use a spool of thread to save a princess?"
"A rat has taken her and hidden her in the dungeon, so I have to go back to the dungeon, and it is full of twists and turns and hidden chambers. And I have to find her...and I have to lead her back. I...I will use thread."
"I see, I see," he said. "You, my friend, are on a quest."
"I don't know what that is," said Despereaux.
"You don't have to know. You just have to feel compelled to do the thing, the impossible, important task at hand."
A Quest. Impossible. Important.
The wonderful thing about the word "quest" is that not only is it a journey towards an end, but something about it implies that you are not merely on it for the gold at the end. There is more to this journey than simply reaching the finish line. There are discoveries to be made, souls to make friends with, beauty to be found -- all along the way.
When you're climbing a mountain, you're obviously trying to get to the top. But the top is not what it's all about. There's also the journey upwards, the path that you take, the things you discover on the way. That's what a quest is. Learning, discovering, uncovering new and exciting things that continue to press you forward, closer to the top of the mountain, but making everything beautiful along the way.
2. Truth
To be honest, the power of the word "truth" sometimes makes me shudder a little. Truth is not a fairytale, truth is not in my head, it transcends what I feel and what I think and is not subject to anything or anyone. It simply is. It is more than a teaching, more than an idea, more than a topic of discussion.
It reaches beyond the confines of religion and soars above even the limits of Christianity. It baffles our tiny, ant-sized views of reality. Truth does not change because God does not change, and God is truth.
It's something that, once discovered, is unshakeable, unstoppable, and changes your life forever.
And you shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
Bringing me lastly to...
1. Transcendence
I don't know exactly why, but I have always loved the word "transcend."
"To transcend something isn't just to get past it or to move on from something, but it means to completely overcome something in life." -Lindsey Stirling.
Transcend means beyond. It means above, it means throughout. Something that transcends this world is something that is not limited to this world - it is so far beyond this world. It can't be held captive, cannot be defined.
So many things in this life are temporary. They are finite, fluffy little things that only last for a short amount of time. I often look at the futility of it all and wonder why does this matter?
I feel like the answer lies in all of the first 4 words that I listed. Beauty, Purpose, Quest, and Truth.
Part of what I loved about The Hunger Games was that it didn't end happily ever after. The world was still the imperfect, broken world, and injustice would always be there. But it was worth it because of what they were seeking to do. There was a higher cause, a higher truth, a greater purpose. Transcending the brokenness.
Beauty...purpose...truth...they transcend the futility in this life. They go beyond the frustration, disappointment, complacency, anger, and confusion -- to a truth that is beyond myself. A truth that is greater than me.
This...this truth is so far beyond the realms of our world. It is beautiful, it has purpose, because of the God who defines it. Therefore, not only is it beautiful, but it is in this quest for truth and beauty that we find our purpose, that the glory of God can transcend into our tiny world and shatter our lives with his truth.
And now, the inexplicable happiness inside of me for having used my 5 favorite words in a single sentence is kind of overflowing.
Do you have favorite words?
Wednesday, May 23
1 down, 33 more to go.
I really haven't been posting much of my own words lately. Either that or it's just a heavy criticism of other people's words. You're probably sick of the fangirl and music posts. And the infrequency.
Sadly, the only excuse I have for this is my own wall of fear (and maybe a touch of college work).
"What if nobody reads it?
"What if they don't understand what I'm trying to say?"
"What if they don't like it?"
...and probably the greatest one:
"What if they disagree, or they hate it, but instead of telling me so, continue their lives in quiet disdain of my own???"
Silly me. Not only have I created (hopefully) imaginary critics in my mind, but I have let those imaginary critics shape me. I'm letting myself be tied down by things that might not even exist.
Yes you, little imaginary reader, (wait, you're not imaginary. What I mean is, your imaginary critical self. Wait, are you critical in real life? This is getting complicated.) have unknowingly shaped my fears as a human being.
I have -- get this -- 33 drafts in my blogger folders. Thirty-three.
Some of them date back to 2010, but most of them are within the past few months...thoughts that I've kept to myself -- partially due to my overkilling perfectionism, but mostly for fear that my own lack of coherency will somehow make you think I must not be a decent person.
What is this...this fear of other people's opinions? I feel as if we all keep our deep dark secrets to ourselves, for fear that nobody else feels the same way...when in reality, we are all keeping the exact same deep dark secret.
I realized the other day what a petty thing it is to live for. Internet acceptance, I mean. Seriously? To incessantly check my email and/or blog in hopes that someone has clicked the "like" button is really just sickening. Why do I care? (I'll write more about that later...actually, I think it's in one of those 33 drafts...ha.)
Who am I to limit myself to the criticism of others? Am I going to let my own preconceived ideas of comments that don't even exist shape my own discovery of truth?
No siree!
So here come a few of those 33 drafts. Some of them are ones I was planning to post anyway and just never got around to it, but the idea is to get the guts to post stuff I'm unsure about.
We'll see how this goes.
Sadly, the only excuse I have for this is my own wall of fear (and maybe a touch of college work).
"What if nobody reads it?
"What if they don't understand what I'm trying to say?"
"What if they don't like it?"
...and probably the greatest one:
"What if they disagree, or they hate it, but instead of telling me so, continue their lives in quiet disdain of my own???"
Silly me. Not only have I created (hopefully) imaginary critics in my mind, but I have let those imaginary critics shape me. I'm letting myself be tied down by things that might not even exist.
Yes you, little imaginary reader, (wait, you're not imaginary. What I mean is, your imaginary critical self. Wait, are you critical in real life? This is getting complicated.) have unknowingly shaped my fears as a human being.
I have -- get this -- 33 drafts in my blogger folders. Thirty-three.
Some of them date back to 2010, but most of them are within the past few months...thoughts that I've kept to myself -- partially due to my overkilling perfectionism, but mostly for fear that my own lack of coherency will somehow make you think I must not be a decent person.
What is this...this fear of other people's opinions? I feel as if we all keep our deep dark secrets to ourselves, for fear that nobody else feels the same way...when in reality, we are all keeping the exact same deep dark secret.
I realized the other day what a petty thing it is to live for. Internet acceptance, I mean. Seriously? To incessantly check my email and/or blog in hopes that someone has clicked the "like" button is really just sickening. Why do I care? (I'll write more about that later...actually, I think it's in one of those 33 drafts...ha.)
Who am I to limit myself to the criticism of others? Am I going to let my own preconceived ideas of comments that don't even exist shape my own discovery of truth?
No siree!
So here come a few of those 33 drafts. Some of them are ones I was planning to post anyway and just never got around to it, but the idea is to get the guts to post stuff I'm unsure about.
We'll see how this goes.
Thursday, May 17
In Memory.
Coherent thought fails me whenever I try to finish writing this post...it's been in my drafts for about a week now, so I'm just going to post it as it is. In memory of a beautiful human soul who is now in the presence of his glorious Savior.I never knew Josh Eddy, but he's made an impact on my life regardless. My good friend Tianna is engaged to his brother, but aside from the occasional social-network comment, I never met him.
But you only need to read a few of his blog posts to know that he was a kid on fire for God. He was passionate, certain, and lived a vibrant life. The thought, depth, and passion in his writing and his life is evident in almost every way.
I can't claim the kind of friendship that many of my close friends have had, but since his death, my heart aches for his family and friends in a way it has not yet before.
Death is something that has yet to make its way into my life -- yet the passing of Josh Eddy has made me think about it more than ever. It has reminded me how precious and fragile life is. It haunts me to know that it could happen to any of my own siblings or friends -- but I'm starting to realize that I cannot live my life in such fear of it.
Josh certainly didn't. He wrote this post just a month ago.
"If a grenade dropped into the middle of my squad, you better believe that I would drop and wrap that thing in my arms against my chest to save them. Yet somehow I lack the motivation to die to myself daily and live for Christ and others in the small things. To read my Bible and pray: what am I really giving up? Forty five minutes of sleep?"
I want to live a life like Josh did. Not fretting over little things that aren't important, but living, seeking, growing, consistently aiming to know God more.
"To surrender a precious dream is a fearful thing, but to pursue anything but the full measure of the glory of God’s love is a wasted life." -Josh Eddy
To surrender a precious dream. What dreams am I clinging to that are preventing me from living -- truly living?
He lived -- and died -- well.
And that's the beauty of a life lived with purpose. He impacted lives that he never knew, people he'd never met.
Will you be able to say the same? Is my heart sold out on the single goal of knowing my Creator?
Please take the time to look at Josh's blog. His writing is absolutely amazing. Lastly, here are some memorable posts by friends of mine - Alexa (check out this one by her also), Paul, Ariel, Emily, Grace, Tianna. Please keep his family and friends in your prayers.
Josh, I wish I had been able to know you in person. Thank you for living for Christ and setting an example for so many people, including myself, to follow. You have left a legacy that will not quickly be forgotten, and will live on for so many years even though your body does not.
Death is something that has yet to make its way into my life -- yet the passing of Josh Eddy has made me think about it more than ever. It has reminded me how precious and fragile life is. It haunts me to know that it could happen to any of my own siblings or friends -- but I'm starting to realize that I cannot live my life in such fear of it.
Josh certainly didn't. He wrote this post just a month ago.
"If a grenade dropped into the middle of my squad, you better believe that I would drop and wrap that thing in my arms against my chest to save them. Yet somehow I lack the motivation to die to myself daily and live for Christ and others in the small things. To read my Bible and pray: what am I really giving up? Forty five minutes of sleep?"
I want to live a life like Josh did. Not fretting over little things that aren't important, but living, seeking, growing, consistently aiming to know God more.
"To surrender a precious dream is a fearful thing, but to pursue anything but the full measure of the glory of God’s love is a wasted life." -Josh Eddy
To surrender a precious dream. What dreams am I clinging to that are preventing me from living -- truly living?
He lived -- and died -- well.
And that's the beauty of a life lived with purpose. He impacted lives that he never knew, people he'd never met.
Will you be able to say the same? Is my heart sold out on the single goal of knowing my Creator?
Please take the time to look at Josh's blog. His writing is absolutely amazing. Lastly, here are some memorable posts by friends of mine - Alexa (check out this one by her also), Paul, Ariel, Emily, Grace, Tianna. Please keep his family and friends in your prayers.
Josh, I wish I had been able to know you in person. Thank you for living for Christ and setting an example for so many people, including myself, to follow. You have left a legacy that will not quickly be forgotten, and will live on for so many years even though your body does not.
Tuesday, April 24
The power of influence.
Maybe it's just the kind of revelations one has at midnight, but I realized something interesting about the influences of other people today. Perhaps you've already thought of this...but perhaps you haven't.
When I was younger, I always wondered how people could be obsessed with celebrities and clothing styles and actually try to follow it. I didn't understand how people would possibly lower their standards simply because of someone they saw on screen.
But I realized that if you find a celebrity that you really like -- or who has a particularly good sense of style, you find yourself deciding that they really must be decent people in real life. (and perhaps they are.)
Until, there's some photo of them wearing something hideous or doing something stupid, or something that violates a particular standard of modesty that you hold -- and you change your mind.
Or....maybe you don't.
Because when you like a person well enough, strong enough, and if you're not strong yourself, you might just find yourself lowering your own standard so that you can continue liking said celebrity. It's as if some distant part of your psyche convinces you that it's really okay -- because of how much you want to believe they are decent people, not affected at all by the corruptness of hollywood.
I don't want to let media define who I am. I will not be held captive by such petty things. Lately I think I've allowed myself to follow the happy world of showbuzz, but I'm tired of watching their onscreen lives. Time to live my own.
What about you?
When I was younger, I always wondered how people could be obsessed with celebrities and clothing styles and actually try to follow it. I didn't understand how people would possibly lower their standards simply because of someone they saw on screen.
But I realized that if you find a celebrity that you really like -- or who has a particularly good sense of style, you find yourself deciding that they really must be decent people in real life. (and perhaps they are.)
Until, there's some photo of them wearing something hideous or doing something stupid, or something that violates a particular standard of modesty that you hold -- and you change your mind.
Or....maybe you don't.
Because when you like a person well enough, strong enough, and if you're not strong yourself, you might just find yourself lowering your own standard so that you can continue liking said celebrity. It's as if some distant part of your psyche convinces you that it's really okay -- because of how much you want to believe they are decent people, not affected at all by the corruptness of hollywood.
I don't want to let media define who I am. I will not be held captive by such petty things. Lately I think I've allowed myself to follow the happy world of showbuzz, but I'm tired of watching their onscreen lives. Time to live my own.
What about you?
Sunday, March 11
The story's not over yet.
I've always been one to hate new changes. I dislike giving up the way things used to be -- I like my ways, and I like the way we do things.
But if I never find new things to like, or new ways of doing things, I'll never grow. I'll never change. If I always only listen to the same music and read the same books and do the same thing -- hold onto life as it is, I will become a nobody who does nothing.
It's complacency in its worst, it's a refusal to grow. I can embrace changes without having to ignore what I am leaving behind. I can rejoice in sweet memories while being able to freely let them be just what they are: memories. If things always only stayed the same, I would never learn anything.
And learning -- understanding -- is a fountain of life. (Prov. 16:21) and "the only way to stay young is to keep learning" (Michael Apted)
To discover the truth, one must first give up one's idea of what the truth should be.
So broaden your scope, young heart! Let the changes happen, let the old chapters end. Turn the page to bright, beautiful, new ones. Delight in what you have now, don't dwell on what you wish you had. Life is thrilling, beautiful, wild, and precious. Embrace it.
But if I never find new things to like, or new ways of doing things, I'll never grow. I'll never change. If I always only listen to the same music and read the same books and do the same thing -- hold onto life as it is, I will become a nobody who does nothing.
It's complacency in its worst, it's a refusal to grow. I can embrace changes without having to ignore what I am leaving behind. I can rejoice in sweet memories while being able to freely let them be just what they are: memories. If things always only stayed the same, I would never learn anything.
And learning -- understanding -- is a fountain of life. (Prov. 16:21) and "the only way to stay young is to keep learning" (Michael Apted)
To discover the truth, one must first give up one's idea of what the truth should be.
So broaden your scope, young heart! Let the changes happen, let the old chapters end. Turn the page to bright, beautiful, new ones. Delight in what you have now, don't dwell on what you wish you had. Life is thrilling, beautiful, wild, and precious. Embrace it.
Wednesday, February 22
You are so young; you stand for beginnings. I would like to beg of you, dear friend, as well as I can, to have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will, gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. Perhaps you are indeed carrying within yourself the potential to visualize, to design, and to create for yourself an utterly satisfying, joyful, and pure lifestyle. Discipline yourself to attain it, but accept that which comes to you with deep trust, and as long as it comes from your own will, from your own inner need.
— Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
Monday, February 13
Everything you need.
The Valentine's Day ads on the radio lately are pretty funny. The other day, I heard one for Safeway (or was it Albertson's?) ad that said, "We'll provide everything you need to say "I love you."And it sort of made me laugh inside, because -- really, who needs anything to say "I love you?"
I love you is not chocolate.
I love you is not gifts.
I love you is not something you can buy.
I love you is not even words.
I love you is action.
I love you is something you do.
Even though I laughed about their ad campaign, I think sometimes I'm a little guilty of this thinking myself. See, I'm someone who likes to buy things for people. I really do. Especially since I've started teaching piano, there's a lot more of that green stuff floating around to do it with. (please tell me you know what I mean: little girl who has $25, maybe $50 from Chinese New Year to last for the entire year, parents have to pay for everybody's presents...)
What I think I forgot about was that buying things for people and giving them things -- while yes, it's a way to show that you love people -- is not the best way to do it.
The most valuable thing I can give is my time. Myself. My energy, my attention, and my care.
And when you look at 1 Corinthians 13, that's really what "I love you" truly means --
Love is patient. Love is kind.
Love does not envy. Love does not boast.
It is not proud. It is not rude.
It does not seek it's own. Is not provoked, thinks no evil.
Love does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth.
Bears all things. Believes all things. Hopes all things. Endures all things.
And that truly is everything that you will ever need to say "I love you."
Friday, February 10
Leadership 101
I, Hannah Marie, was the first child born to my parents, the oldest child in my family.With this...erm, fate, comes the natural tendencies to be in control, to lead, and to be in charge.
Teaching, working with kids, and being in charge has been one of my gifts for a long time, and something I'd say I'm somewhat good at.
But my dad says that my strength is also my weakness.
See, as the oldest child, I've also never had big kids to look up to. So I spent the better part of my childhood (actually, I still do this) looking up to my older cousins, friends, and leaders with this kind of sacred awe.
Yes. If you knew me as a child and you were more than 2 years older than me, it was like you were some kind of holy and perfect being. I longed to have an older sister or brother that I could look up to.
I was sure that by the time I turned 16, I'd be perfect.
Ha.
Ha ha.
Haaaahhhahahahahahahahahhahaa.
So I thought that maybe, by the time I turned 18 it would be different.
Riight.
Nope. Still the same ol' me. And now that I'm staring the rest of my adulthood in the face, I'm starting to realise that I'm going to be the same person when I'm 21 as I am right now. (wow, profound, isn't it?)
Unfortunately, not everyone I looked up to looked down on me with the same kind of affection, and I got pushed around a lot - not in a bullying sort of way, but just in that "you're-too-little" sort of way.
I'll tell you, those were the words I least liked to hear -- "that's for the big kids." I was never bullied, never picked on - just always treated as "little."
Having these experiences as a child was both a blessing and a curse - a strength and a weakness.
It became my strength because as I've gotten older, I've begun to realise that I am becoming the older person that small children look up to - and I can sympathize with them. I know exactly how they feel and I can treat them with all the care, love, and respect that I've got because I know that they're often more capable than they might seem.
I had little 2nd graders in school cling to me. One of the things that most made my day was when a little girl named Hayley said "We're going to go play with Hannah because Hannah likes children."
But it's also become my weakness. Sometimes, I still carry that feeling of inferiority that came with always being made to feel small. I somehow feel that if I can make small children feel little, it will make me feel older. Then I will become that perfect, big, important girl I always wanted to be.
And instead of being a good leader, I become a drafter instead.
One of Jon Acuff's posts said this,
It’s easier to draft than it is to lead, but when you lead, you help somebody else go faster than they ever could have on their own. Leading is helping somebody else be better. Leading is helping somebody else get stronger. Smarter. More connected to whatever it is they’re uniquely called to do.
Leading is helping somebody else go faster than they ever could have on their own.
Drafting is easier. You don’t have to fight the wind.Leading is harder. You have to continually break new ground.
I've been thinking a lot about this, especially as I teach piano.For those of you who don't know, I have 8 students that I teach. Some of them are harder to teach than others - but with each, I have to find new and creative ways to make the concepts understandable.
I could just say "You can do better than that. Remember your dynamics." But instead I can say "Hey, good job with your counting! Now, let's play this part really loud. Can you pretend your fingers are elephants?"
I could just "draft" them, and give them all their assignments. But teaching -- leading -- that's different. It requires far more of my effort, but the results are far more rewarding.
Leading is helping somebody else be better. Leading is helping somebody else get stronger.
A lot of times I'm afraid to help people because I don't want them to get "better than me." I like to retain that air of superiority, and apparent "perfectness" that I have.
But that's far from the attitude I should have, and in the long run, it's going to hurt me far more than it's going to help me.
Coming up with creative, new ways to help the kids I work with isn't always easy. Sometimes I want to just say "How do you not get this simple concept?"
But that's not the kind of teacher I want to be. That's not the kind of leader I want to be.
Real leaders ask "What can I give to this person?” instead of "What can I get from this person?”
I teach piano not because of what I can get from it, but because I want to share my passion for music with others. I want them to love it as much as I do. But that focus isn't always the easiest to maintain.
Maybe I don't have my own dream. Maybe I'm like those people who never really quite figure out what it is they want to do.
But I know one thing I can do, and that is help other people. I can lead them. I can give of myself.
And really -- that's when I find that I'm most content.
Saturday, December 17
Sin is okay.
I've been beating up on myself a lot recently. Call it perfectionist, call it over-controlling, call it self-righteous...whatever. But when I see a problem, it bothers me.
Honestly, it's a wonder to me that people love me at all when my own love is so distorted. When my view is so dirtied by this fateful curse of sin.
But I wonder if Christians play it up too much. We spend so much time indoctrinating our children on what is right and what is wrong and what ought and ought not to be. We tell them what mindsets are correct, what things are lies of the devil, and that anything contrary to what they are teaching is a falsehood and should be rejected immediately.
We do this so much that when these children grow up and enter the real world, they don't know what to do with it. False love, pride, lust, homosexuality, beauty, acceptance -- it shows up in all ways, shapes, and forms in our lives -- ways far deeper, dirtier, and more terrible than anything they ever taught us in Sunday school. Yes, there are worse things than hitting your brother.
And what have we been taught? That sin in any form is not okay.
But I'm starting to think that....that it is okay.
Oh heavens come crashing down, what am I saying?
No, really. We're taught to reject sin so much that when we discover a new form of it taking shape in our lives that we've never experienced before, we don't know how to deal with it. We've been taught that it's only the really messed up people who think this way. Only the people who are completely lost.
And we're not lost like that, no sir, we have Christ on our side.
We, in fact, are the broken, lost people that we they warned us about in Sunday school -- and when we discover this, it shocks us. How could we be like this when we're supposed to be something greater than this?
So we push it down. Shove it back. Place it in a corner. We're stronger than this.
But we're afraid to be broken. I'm afraid to be broken. I'm afraid to be sinful, because...well, I'm a Christian, so aren't I supposed to be cured of that?
Like any other perfectly homeschooled, Christian kid, I went to VBS every year. Actually I went to about 3 or 4 every year. And I always heard the same thing -- which was really just a condensed version of what I was taught in Sunday school:
When we're saved, that doesn't mean that we stop doing bad things. It means that Jesus now helps us not do bad things.
So perhaps because I feel that because Jesus is not doing anything to "help me not do bad things" that I must be screwed up in some way.
But I'm a Christian. I'm not supposed to be this way.
So I encounter problems. I realize I'm more broken than just "disobeying my parents" or "being mean to my brother." My heart is deceitful, and desperately wicked. I've been taught for years that this - these problems, this brokenness - it's wrong. But I've also been taught that because "every sin past present and future" has been forgiven and that "Jesus helps me not do bad things" that all of these problems I have should be either nonexistent or easy to fix "because I have Jesus."
So I shy away from being broken. From admitting I have a problem. From being brutally honest and real. From finding out who I really am. Even from accepting the brokenness of others.
Oh, they struggle with that? They must not have Jesus. They don't have hope like I do.
(I've always been told I had hope in Jesus. But when does that teaching cease to be a piece of knowledge you must memorize and start to become a truth that you cherish?)
But I'm starting to realize that it's okay. It's okay to be broken. It's okay to be sinful. It's okay to hurt. It's okay to be confused. And it's okay for other people to be that way, too.
You see....we're not God. We're not perfect, and we can never be perfect. We have no business rejecting brokenness and sin when we're living in it. Call me crazy, but yeah, it's taking me awhile to understand this.
Yeah, sin is still wrong.
But it's okay to mess up. It's okay to fail. It's okay to have no clue about anything.
Maybe that's what Jesus sacrifice was supposed to be about.
And maybe....just maybe, because of this radical sacrifice, God is okay with my brokenness, too.
What do you think?
Honestly, it's a wonder to me that people love me at all when my own love is so distorted. When my view is so dirtied by this fateful curse of sin.
But I wonder if Christians play it up too much. We spend so much time indoctrinating our children on what is right and what is wrong and what ought and ought not to be. We tell them what mindsets are correct, what things are lies of the devil, and that anything contrary to what they are teaching is a falsehood and should be rejected immediately.
We do this so much that when these children grow up and enter the real world, they don't know what to do with it. False love, pride, lust, homosexuality, beauty, acceptance -- it shows up in all ways, shapes, and forms in our lives -- ways far deeper, dirtier, and more terrible than anything they ever taught us in Sunday school. Yes, there are worse things than hitting your brother.
And what have we been taught? That sin in any form is not okay.
But I'm starting to think that....that it is okay.
Oh heavens come crashing down, what am I saying?
No, really. We're taught to reject sin so much that when we discover a new form of it taking shape in our lives that we've never experienced before, we don't know how to deal with it. We've been taught that it's only the really messed up people who think this way. Only the people who are completely lost.
And we're not lost like that, no sir, we have Christ on our side.
We, in fact, are the broken, lost people that we they warned us about in Sunday school -- and when we discover this, it shocks us. How could we be like this when we're supposed to be something greater than this?
So we push it down. Shove it back. Place it in a corner. We're stronger than this.
But we're afraid to be broken. I'm afraid to be broken. I'm afraid to be sinful, because...well, I'm a Christian, so aren't I supposed to be cured of that?
Like any other perfectly homeschooled, Christian kid, I went to VBS every year. Actually I went to about 3 or 4 every year. And I always heard the same thing -- which was really just a condensed version of what I was taught in Sunday school:
When we're saved, that doesn't mean that we stop doing bad things. It means that Jesus now helps us not do bad things.
So perhaps because I feel that because Jesus is not doing anything to "help me not do bad things" that I must be screwed up in some way.
But I'm a Christian. I'm not supposed to be this way.
So I encounter problems. I realize I'm more broken than just "disobeying my parents" or "being mean to my brother." My heart is deceitful, and desperately wicked. I've been taught for years that this - these problems, this brokenness - it's wrong. But I've also been taught that because "every sin past present and future" has been forgiven and that "Jesus helps me not do bad things" that all of these problems I have should be either nonexistent or easy to fix "because I have Jesus."
So I shy away from being broken. From admitting I have a problem. From being brutally honest and real. From finding out who I really am. Even from accepting the brokenness of others.
Oh, they struggle with that? They must not have Jesus. They don't have hope like I do.
(I've always been told I had hope in Jesus. But when does that teaching cease to be a piece of knowledge you must memorize and start to become a truth that you cherish?)
But I'm starting to realize that it's okay. It's okay to be broken. It's okay to be sinful. It's okay to hurt. It's okay to be confused. And it's okay for other people to be that way, too.
You see....we're not God. We're not perfect, and we can never be perfect. We have no business rejecting brokenness and sin when we're living in it. Call me crazy, but yeah, it's taking me awhile to understand this.
Yeah, sin is still wrong.
But it's okay to mess up. It's okay to fail. It's okay to have no clue about anything.
Maybe that's what Jesus sacrifice was supposed to be about.
And maybe....just maybe, because of this radical sacrifice, God is okay with my brokenness, too.
What do you think?
Saturday, December 10
I'm going to live.
I was thinking about my life today (something I do rather frequently) and realizing that I really don't think I'm putting a whole lot of effort into living.
It's just...mediocre.
I give halfhearted little glances at everything because I'm not sure what I want to be "my thing." You know?
For years I've wanted to find what my passion was and throw myself into it wholeheartedly.
But maybe....maybe I don't have one. Maybe I don't have just one calling. Besides, what's to stop me from doing everything that I do passionately and wholeheartedly? I don't have to just do one thing.
One of my first impromptu topics was a completely weird quote that went: "If you bite off more than you can chew, chew it." I talked, in a rather jumbled fashion, about how sometimes I end up doing too much stuff and over committing myself, but I have to chew it anyway.
But I've started to realize that I'm shying away from "chewing" what I've got. I'm afraid of throwing myself into everything I do because I'm afraid of what I might lose.
I'm afraid to enjoy life because I'm afraid those joys might be taken away.
But what's the alternative? Hiding in a corner and holding it all to myself? Never sharing, never loving, never learning?
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” -CS Lewis.
I don't want to be irredeemable.
So here's my resolution.
Everything that I do -- speech, debate, piano, flute, guitar, music teaching, awana, quizzing, music theory, chinese, math, SAT, writing, reading, cleaning, organizing, sciences, history, playing with my dog, hanging with my brothers, doing the laundry, working on Aslan's Country, talking to my friends, -- everything -- I am going throw all of myself into.
I'm not going to shy away from creativity. I'm not going to worry about making the best or being the best. I'm just going to be.
And I'm going to give 101%. I'm going to seek the truth, and I'm going to find it. I'm going to be daring and adventurous. I'm going to do crazy things and laugh till my stomach hurts. I'm going to find what I love about my life and I'm going to do it over and over again. I'm going to discover what it is that makes me me.
I'm not going to be idle. I'm not going to be mediocre. I'm not going to be afraid of what I might lose, I'm just going to go for it.
I used to hate all those cliches - live, love, laugh. Follow your heart. Dreams can come true. Just believe. Be yourself.
But I'm starting to love what is normal. It's okay to embrace what everyone else does sometimes. There's a reason everyone else loves it. I don't have to be anti-mainstream all the time. I don't have to be a world changer. As my dear friend Gray says, "there is power in being common."
So yes. I'm going to live, love, and laugh. I'm going to chase my dreams, and believe with everything in me.
I'm going to live.
It's just...mediocre.
I give halfhearted little glances at everything because I'm not sure what I want to be "my thing." You know?
For years I've wanted to find what my passion was and throw myself into it wholeheartedly.
But maybe....maybe I don't have one. Maybe I don't have just one calling. Besides, what's to stop me from doing everything that I do passionately and wholeheartedly? I don't have to just do one thing.
One of my first impromptu topics was a completely weird quote that went: "If you bite off more than you can chew, chew it." I talked, in a rather jumbled fashion, about how sometimes I end up doing too much stuff and over committing myself, but I have to chew it anyway.
But I've started to realize that I'm shying away from "chewing" what I've got. I'm afraid of throwing myself into everything I do because I'm afraid of what I might lose.
I'm afraid to enjoy life because I'm afraid those joys might be taken away.
But what's the alternative? Hiding in a corner and holding it all to myself? Never sharing, never loving, never learning?
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” -CS Lewis.
I don't want to be irredeemable.
So here's my resolution.
Everything that I do -- speech, debate, piano, flute, guitar, music teaching, awana, quizzing, music theory, chinese, math, SAT, writing, reading, cleaning, organizing, sciences, history, playing with my dog, hanging with my brothers, doing the laundry, working on Aslan's Country, talking to my friends, -- everything -- I am going throw all of myself into.
I'm not going to shy away from creativity. I'm not going to worry about making the best or being the best. I'm just going to be.
And I'm going to give 101%. I'm going to seek the truth, and I'm going to find it. I'm going to be daring and adventurous. I'm going to do crazy things and laugh till my stomach hurts. I'm going to find what I love about my life and I'm going to do it over and over again. I'm going to discover what it is that makes me me.
I'm not going to be idle. I'm not going to be mediocre. I'm not going to be afraid of what I might lose, I'm just going to go for it.
I used to hate all those cliches - live, love, laugh. Follow your heart. Dreams can come true. Just believe. Be yourself.
But I'm starting to love what is normal. It's okay to embrace what everyone else does sometimes. There's a reason everyone else loves it. I don't have to be anti-mainstream all the time. I don't have to be a world changer. As my dear friend Gray says, "there is power in being common."
So yes. I'm going to live, love, and laugh. I'm going to chase my dreams, and believe with everything in me.
I'm going to live.
Friday, November 18
Stay this little.
Do you ever just sit and watch the world go by?I do that a lot. In the car going somewhere...on a plane...walking through campus...gazing out over the valley. I watch kids walk home from school, I watch my classmates, I watch the lovebirds in the corner of the room.
And the other day I was sitting in the glorious sunshine, looking over the valley.
We live close to the airport, which means 1) we get a lot of noise in the summer time and 2) we get to watch planes land and takeoff pretty much whenever we jolly well please. (this was great fun as a child)
I followed the progress of one particular airplane as it took off.
As someone who flies on a semi-frequent-ish-basis (enough to remind me how much I love it, little enough to keep me wanting to keep doing it) I love that feeling as the airplane finally begins to pick up speed.
Each step in the process of going to the airport seems to take you one step closer, from waking up at 5 in the morning to actually leaving the house with half of your world toted behind you, to that heart-thumping moment when you leave the security of those dropping you off behind as you walk away from the car.
You're thinking this is really it. Whatever it is that you've been waiting for for ages has finally come.
It like, triples when you board the plane, and then comes to a screeching halt when you start to taxi.
Forever.
And you wonder, will it ever takeoff? I could be sleeping right now.
I chew my gum nervously, worrying that the flavour will run out before we takeoff and I need it in the first place.
But it comes, you know it always will.
That moment when the airplane lurches a little and you know it's finally time.
It picks up speed, it goes faster, and faster, and faster, and just when you think you might run out of runway space, it gently lumps into the air. I say "lump" because it's like going over a speedbump with a pillow on it.
Your heart does this weird ker-thump thing, your ears go all funny, and your stomach does what it does in an elevator, except about 2.4 times more.
And if you're heading to a National speech & debate tournament, it does it about 11.9 times more.
So as I sat there, watching this airplane take off into the sky, I wondered what the people on the plane were thinking.
Were they all businessmen who were just flying because they had to, lost in the busyness of their iwhatevers and computers and papers, or who sleep right through the thrill of taking off?
Or could there be a young person on there, her heart beating with the excitement of a new place
she was going, her stomach turning with the idea of what would be expected of her when she got there?What did my world look like to them up there? I could see them, but they couldn't see me.
I was living that experience in my head as the
plane made it's way slowly towards the edge of the valley and then began to turn towards the east.
Thank you for flying Delta Airlines, we are now [insert number I never do comprehend] miles above Seattle, heading east towards Boston. Our flight attendants will be coming around shortly with refreshments. Meals are available for purchase upon request.
I watched the plane pass through a cloud.
I know what it's like to go through a cloud on a plane. The world is a tiny maze of dollhouses and then all of a sudden, there's a little fog covering it all.
I wonder if there's a child on that plane, nose pressed to the window, staring excitedly at everything that's going by.I wonder if maybe someone is not traveling somewhere new, but somewhere old. Maybe he's going home after a long, fulfilling trip. I hope he enjoyed my favorite city.
The plane turns to the east, and eventually disappears behind the trees.
East.
There are a lot of places you can go when you turn east. That's a lot of states you could fly to.
I never want to lose my love for flying in a plane. To feel that magic, thrill, and anticipation.
There are some parts of life I have to grow up in...but when I fly, I'll always be a child.
Saturday, November 5
Tomorrow I'll stop procrastinating.
When I was little, I used to try to have "perfect" days. I would try to be good for the entire day.It never worked. =P
So, at the end of the day, I always said to myself, "I'll try again tomorrow. I'll really do it this time."
And as I got older, I somehow kept that mentality. The idea that one day, it would suddenly happen - BOOM - I'd have life figured out.
Lately I've been frustrated with the fact that...I'm no different than I was 10 years ago. I still say "tomorrow I'll be different. Tomorrow I'll actually not check my email and I'll actually practice piano instead."
::snort::
I have a feeling I'd be a much better pianist if I'd ever actually put that idea into practice. (haaa see that clever use of a pun there? I actually didn't intend that.)
But really - I would say to myself as I went to bed "ugh! I failed again. But I won't fail tomorrow."
Isn't "tomorrow I'll stop procrastinating" an oxymoron?
As your stereotypical homeschooler saturated by the message of the Rebelution, I've had the idea that if I didn't do great things as a teenager, I've somehow wasted my entire life. I frowned upon my 18th birthday and felt as if my opportunities had all been taken away now that the number associated with my years of living is one higher than it was a month ago.
But the reality is - I will never have more time than I do right now.
I'm only going to be 18 once. Just for 365 days. Why ruin it by wishing it was something else?
Maybe tomorrow I'll start over
Maybe tomorrow I will finally change my ways
Said the same things yesterday
Don't know why I'm so afraid
To let you in
To let you win
To let you have all of me
Can't spend my whole life wastin'
Everything I know I've been given
'Cause you've made for so much more than
Sittin' on the side lines
I don't wanna look back and wonder
If good enough could've been better
Everyday's a day to start over
So, why am I waiting for tomorrow?
I don't want to look back and wonder if my "good enough" could have been better. I want to live life to the fullest, and not waste my time worrying about wasting my life. I'm going to get out there, do something, and live! And I'm going to do it today.
Sunday, September 25
Sea of Faces
Have you ever looked out the window as you drive down the freeway and thought about all those cars? There's hundreds....thousands.Then you get to a big school like my community college. Forget the "school" experience in my 5-kid classroom. That's a lot of people.
Each one of them is unique. Each one of them has a life, a family, friends. They have sorrows, joys, excitements, pet peeves. They have various classes, events, and places they go. They all probably have something different they're going through, they all have different goals.
Does it ever leave you in awe that God meets each of us where we are? What care is this - that He made us all? What love is this - that He loves us all?
And Seattle isn't even the biggest city in the Northwest, let alone the whole country....let alone the world.
How do you make an impact? How do you make a difference?
Sunday, September 11
Live What I am Dreaming of
Yeah, I'm posting another Trading Yesterday song.
Yes, I just posted about them last time. But I had to share with you another awesome song.
See, a lot of my life recently has been along the lines of:
School planning
Debate about economic security vs. personal freedom
School planning
Debate about economic security vs. personal freedom
Wonder what in the world God is doing with my life
School planning vs. personal freedom
Wonder what God's will is for my life
Debate about economic security
School planning
Wonder about what God is doing with my life
School planning
....you get the idea. It's rigid, kind of intense, and full of all the kind of structure and organisation that I kind of enjoy. (not the stress, the organisation)
But even us non-free-spirited people who love organisation feel a little stuffy at times, and especially after having a deep conversation with your father and brother about personal freedom vs. economic security, long conversations with your mother about school schedules, and long conversations with God about what is going on in your life.....yeah never mind.
(your brain quits working, that's what)
Also what happens after you read books like "Just Do Something" by Kevin DeYoung. (more about that later, I think)
It's like that excitement you get when you start to feel that all that rigidity and organisation and stuff might be paying off, but it hasn't actually happened yet so you aren't sure.
It sparks something. I'm not sure what, because it's too late in the night. But it's in this song. So if you want to know, listen to it. That is, if the above even made sense to you. Which it quite possibly didn't. I'll never know unless you comment.
I'm taking my chances as I go // Life is more than just survival // Love will be the thing that sets me free // Just a little faith is all I need // To live what I am dreaming of.
Yes, I just posted about them last time. But I had to share with you another awesome song.
See, a lot of my life recently has been along the lines of:
School planning
Debate about economic security vs. personal freedom
School planning
Debate about economic security vs. personal freedom
Wonder what in the world God is doing with my life
School planning vs. personal freedom
Wonder what God's will is for my life
Debate about economic security
School planning
Wonder about what God is doing with my life
School planning
....you get the idea. It's rigid, kind of intense, and full of all the kind of structure and organisation that I kind of enjoy. (not the stress, the organisation)
But even us non-free-spirited people who love organisation feel a little stuffy at times, and especially after having a deep conversation with your father and brother about personal freedom vs. economic security, long conversations with your mother about school schedules, and long conversations with God about what is going on in your life.....yeah never mind.
(your brain quits working, that's what)
Also what happens after you read books like "Just Do Something" by Kevin DeYoung. (more about that later, I think)
It's like that excitement you get when you start to feel that all that rigidity and organisation and stuff might be paying off, but it hasn't actually happened yet so you aren't sure.
It sparks something. I'm not sure what, because it's too late in the night. But it's in this song. So if you want to know, listen to it. That is, if the above even made sense to you. Which it quite possibly didn't. I'll never know unless you comment.
I'm taking my chances as I go // Life is more than just survival // Love will be the thing that sets me free // Just a little faith is all I need // To live what I am dreaming of.
Wednesday, September 7
My life as a [non] gymnast.
I'm a gymnast.Sort of.
I was a gymnast from like age 3 until the end of my freshman year.
And I wasn't a real gymnast - since I never seriously competed - only little meets and stuff.
But man, I loved it. I tell you, there's nothing like the satisfying *smack* when you hit the floor in a solid finish after flying through the air in a backflip. I love that noise.
*Smack.*
But now I'm getting all nostalgic.
One thing I really miss, though, was the workout. Nothin' like a good 2 1/2 hour workout and conditioning afterwards.
It is OoooOOoooohhhhh so painful sometimes. No, a lot of the times. Especially if you're doing like splits.
On a 3 inch wide beam.
Yeah. Ow.
So in the last 2-3 years that I've been out of gymnastics, I've tried to work out on my own to stay in shape.
::cough::
Um, yeah, about that....
The thing is, I can't do it myself. I don't have the equipment, the resources, or the right locations.
But, in order to get flexible and to get stronger - you have to work out. Consistently.
Working out makes you stronger.
And it made me think of the verse - you know, that says "work out your own salvation."
I've always been a little confused by that, because you don't need to work to earn grace.
But it doesn't mean "work" in that way. I think it
means that once we are saved, we need to work consistently if we want to get stronger.Cause, see, you don't have to work out to sign up for the gym. But once you're in - and paid the price for it - it'd be pointless to just sit there and do nothing, wouldn't it?
Can you imagine if someone else paid your gym membership - for life? Of course you'd go work out, wouldn't you?
Working out without the right equipment and without the right coaching can be dangerous - and you can easily hurt yourself.
I can't get stronger by myself - I need a coach to push me. I don't know the right exercises to do myself - I need a coach to teach me.
But what if you had the coach who created the sport in the first place? Boy, would that be a workout.
And that's the thing about life, I can't do the right things without my Coach. I can't become stronger and better unless I'm working out consistently.
But how awful it is the number of times I just sit on the sidelines instead of getting in there and doing my splits.
Yeah, I'll admit it. I put off doing splits because, let's face it, it is painful. Especially when you haven't worked out in awhile.OH! and that's another thing! The longer you don't work out, the more painful it is to get back to where you were. Think splits are as easy for me now as they were when I was doing gymnastics? Think again - they hurt way more now because I haven't been working out consistently.
Okay, so that was a long post - and I might have stretched the analogy a bit.
But what do you think? Am I totally off my rocker here? Is the concept of working out applicable to the verse "work out your own salvation?" Or what do you think that verse really means?
Tuesday, September 6
True Perseverance.
If you still haven't checked out Jon Acuff's blog, you need to. Seriously. Look, I made half of that sentence a link so you wouldn't miss it.
This post in particular is really good - and here's an excerpt of it.
"When I focused on one approach...things changed. When I made a commitment and focused on keeping it, things changed. When I didn’t give up and change course the first day or the 15th day or the 30th day, things changed.
Sometimes we have a hard time focusing on things. There are so many different ways to accomplish a goal. So many ways to write a book or record a song or start a business or do anything that really matters to us. And when we hit a roadblock with one approach, it’s tempting to look for another.
When you find yourself in that situation, and you will, wait.
Pause.
Don’t give up on what you’re working on."
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