The Weight of Glory

Have you ever been in the place where you're so caught up in the mucky things in life that you begin to find your identity in your problems?

After my disqualification, I was trying very, very hard not to let this happen to me. I've done it with lots of other situations and I was sick of the depressing feeling and the tears. I didn't want to let it eat me up. As much as I love the comfort of my friends, I didn't want to be selfish and self-centered by trying to draw a lot of attention to myself.

It's hard to stay focused on God regardless of feelings. And by Wednesday, I was getting pretty bad at it. But about halfway through Wednesday, I realized that I could not let this get to me. I literally told myself:

Hannah. You are disqualified. You are not going to Nationals. We live, we learn, we move on. God obviously didn't want you there, so you need to buck up and keep going.

I think I had myself somewhat consoled, when dad ran and told me to get off the internet quick, because we needed to save bandwidth and Mrs. P was on the phone. (she was the assistant tournament director)

Almost the moment my coach said "we need to talk about your IO", I knew my dream of going to nationals was going down the drain. And the moment I heard Mrs. P was on the phone, I was almost positive I knew what she had called about.

....I was right. (::happy dance!::) Mrs. P was calling to tell me that I had received an at large slot for my IO. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

For those of you not in speech, "at large" is when you do well in multiple tournaments (I'm guessing like 4th or higher in at least 2 tournaments - but what does this novice know?) but don't qualify for nationals at the regional tournament. This "at large" slot is a spot in the national tournament!!!!!

So yes, in plain, beautiful, wonderful English: I AM GOING TO NATIONALS!

::calms down::

It absolutely amazes me what God can - and will - do, when we "carry on". Not just "*sniffsniff*, okay, I can do this" kind of thing. Really, totally, and fully realizing that God has a greater purpose, and continuing on in the faith that He will reveal it to you in time.

Saying that "there is a reason, there is a hope, God is still good, He is GOD, and I will worship Him no matter what" is precious in the dark. It's what you hold onto.

I've never felt such peace about accepting God's will before. About letting go, and throwing myself into the trust of my Heavenly Father. And when I did, it suddenly put into perspective all the other things that were only partially surrendered to God. Things like church and friendships. While I've tried to surrender them to God, I always seemed to "find identity" in those problems. This problem was just as emotional - but comparatively smaller than others - which put it into perspective for me what it means to surrender something to God.

It is not until we do that that the morning can come. And no matter how long it takes to dawn, whether it be a month, a year, or 5 days as it did for me, this is my prayer - With everything I am, and everything I have - I dedicate myself to doing one thing well: I will love you.

Oh, oh, oh!

[Sorry this is so incredibly late. I'm catching up, really. I wrote a majority of this right after Idaho but have just gotten around to posting it. Regionals post is coming soon.]

I had the most FABULOUS time at the Idaho tournament over March 18-20. The week preceding was filled with seehowmuchofyourspeechyoucancramintooneday! along with script submission forms, last minute duo changes, and more double stick tape and magnets than a sane person should be handling at one time.

After frantically scurrying around, trying to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything of significant importance, (mind you, this was the first time Raymond and I had gone anywhere without mom or dad. It took awhile to get out the door. =P) we all got in the car and drove to the M's house, since they were taking us. After mom and dad had left (and I had checked the car 3 times to make sure nothing of significance was left in there), we proceeded to spend the next 2 hours chasing angry chickens and running around their house, making sure we hadn't forgotten anything of significant importance.

And off we went!

Us Poor Washingtonians. So excited about a little bit of snow.

I love this picture.

We had way too much fun on this car trip.

Sarah, who I called "my monkey" for most of the trip, making her "Giant" face for her speech


I have officially adopted her as another of my little sisters.



Self Explanatory.

Sorry for the bad video quality....this was before I switched to using Raymond's camera. This was right about when we reached Spokane.

We were frantically trying to get Raymond's camera set up so we could film us actually crossing the boarder.

Okay, so maybe I was a *little* excited about getting to Idaho....
(Here you get to hear my "Idaho poem" which was composed specially for the tournament)

We arrived at the church,
survived script submissions and registration,
and then stopped at a Mexican restaurant for dinner with the M family, Mrs. M's brother's family, and Mrs. M's parents. Raymond and I were particularly amused by the "deep fried ice cream" on the dessert menu, which we all got to try in honor of Rebecca's birthday.

Rebecca, Sarah, and I all shared a room....and boy did we have good times.
This was actually our second night. The first night into the first day of the tournament was WAY to hectic to worry about taking pictures. =P

Sisters. =)

"Close your eyes and look like you're asleep!"

"AAAHHHH!!!!"

Bright and early the next morning, after frantic showers, inhaling our breakfast, last minute hair fixes, blazers, tie-malfunctions, and other such things as come with speech competitions, we all hurried out into a crisp, cool Idaho morning (translated as: FREEZING!) to drive to the church.

Just to illustrate how cold it was....




We found some of the most amusing things on the way...

Expensive energy drinks, no?

One LONG tournament day later...the mental-craze of the tournament is finally setting in as we marveled over this chicken like thing right outside the tournament...for which the video is unavailable. But know speech tournaments do weird things to your brain. (haven't I said this already?)

On the way home, we took the "Cliff Road", as Rebecca calls it, by Coeur d'Alene lake.

GORGEOUS.

For once I was satisfied with the results of my attempts-at-photography...

Sarah liked the hairpiece I used on day two, and she asked me to put it in her hair when we got home.

Little model <3

Next day...... Semis/Finals breaks. ...... AAAAAHHHHHH!!! This is where Hannah gets overly hyper and excited.Our duo (me and Raymond) broke to semis, but not to finals. My Dramatic Interp. broke to finals, as did my Illustrated Oratory.

Semis and finals have always been my favorite rounds (even though they are the most nerve racking)....I get the adrenaline rush and the energy high and run around frantically trying to find rooms, trying not to be nervous, watching some of the really good speeches, and enjoying myself immensely.

This is the kind of thing you do before you go into a round. Pace back and forth looking at patterns on the walls. =P
(actually, he wasn't waiting for a round. But he did find some kind of odd pattern)

Waiting for the awards ceremony with my friend Gabby...

Our duo placed 12th, my dramatic placed 6th, and my illustrated placed 3rd.

And little Miss Sarah competed in the Junior Tournament they held with "Jack and the Beanstalk" for her dramatic. She was the youngest competitor in the entire tournament and placed 3rd. I have never seen her so happy. :)

(she's the shortest one with the lovely green dress)
All in all, it was a lovely tournament and I had a fabulous time.

(Don't) Look Back and Wonder...

There's 3 sides to "bittersweet", you know. There's "bittersweet", "bittersweet", and then just "bittersweet". Today was "bittersweet". The sort of tears you cry not because you're angry, not because you're sad, not because you're happy....just a sharp sort of throb in your heart where people used to be. It's like when you see someone and you're overjoyed to see them but it makes you realize how much you miss them and you can't seem to get enough of their company before you have to leave them again.

I need to make a list of all the precious few, absolutely FABULOUS days I have.

Today, I saw a bunch of my amazing good friends I haven't seen in a long time, got more hugs than I've had since I left church, and probably cried more than I have in the past month. I also got to talk to my big sister on the phone and do some catching up with another good friend I haven't seen in a year.

I saw so, so many people today that I miss a lot. But it was still a good day. A bittersweet day.

Live Fully, Laugh Often, Love Always