l'éléphant

I was in the car with my mom, listening to the radio....and this speaker was talking about the sculpting of a famous statue. It reminded me of this one joke...

"How do you carve an elephant out of marble?"
"Well, you get a block of marble, and you start chipping away at everything that doesn't look like an elephant"

::tehe::

(image from amazon.com)

But the speaker was talking about how God is the sculptor, chipping away at us.

And I got to thinking. As God is carving me, am I letting Him chip away at everything that "doesn't look like an elephant"?

Jesus says "Be holy, as I am holy". We are to reflect Christ - but are we letting God purge us of the things that don't reflect Him, so that when the work is finished, all you will see is Christ?

Brother Lawrence, in The Practice of the Presence of God (amazing book) says (on attaining spiritual fulfillment)

To accomplish this, it is necessary for the heart to be emptied of everything that would offend God. He wants to possess our hearts completely. Before any work can be done in our souls, God must be totally in control...we need to abandon everything that isn't of God. Doesn't He deserve this and much more?

Like I was talking about in this post...there are so many things that take captive of our hearts instead of God.

What does your elephant look like so far? I don't know about you, but mine still has a lot of lumps of non-elephant-looking marble...

Pretty Ball for Louis!

Raise your hand if you ever got to see my Dramatic Interp last speech year.

No?

Didn't think so. It wasn't all that great, so don't ask me to do it for you. (sorry)

But I was thinking about this song...(yes, it's a Tenth Ave song, you'll have to put up with my random spazzes of obsessions if you're going to read this blog) called "all the pretty things". (and if you haven't seen the post about the concert, keep scrolling...)

Now in my opinion, I would have just called it "pretty things", but never mind that. =P

Back to this interp. This little kid wants this orange, and he calls it the "pretty ball", and that's really all that this song reminded me of. Something pretty that you want.

Here are the lyrics. Read them, they're not that long. Or better yet, listen to the actual thing.

We are, we are, we're caught in the in between
Of who we already are and who we are yet to be
And we're looking for love but finding we're still in need
It's only what we have lost will we be allowed to keep

And we're waiting but our eyes are wandering
To all this earth holds dear

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I'm fading
‘Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from Your face
Come and save me

We run, we run to finally be set free
But we're fighting for what we already have received

So we're waiting but our eyes are wandering
To all this earth holds dear

Look at all the pretty things
That steal my heart away
I can feel I'm fading
‘Cause Lord I love so many things
That keep me from Your face
Come and save me

One of things that stood out to me at the concert (you're going to hear a lot about this concert for awhile, I have a feeling. Sorry. =P ) was what Mike said about idols. If we have something we idolize, that we put our time and self into, something that gets in the way of God...why do we expect Him to give us more of it?

This song reminds me a lot of the complacency of my own life. In between who I am and who I want to be. Not really going anywhere....stuck on wanting material things I can touch and feel and posses and have that's mine.

It's only what we have lost will we be allowed to keep.

Do you remember my Illustrated Oratory? That it was what I had lost, I had given to God, that I was actually allowed to keep - to actually take to Nationals?

It's only what we have lost will we be allowed to keep.

Jesus says that whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for His sake will find it. And not just "saving" his life, but even "desiring" to save his life. Just the simple act of desiring.

Desire isn't all bad - but it is when we refuse to let God's desires consume it.

When I was little, I loved gymnastics. I still really, really do. I remember having a conversation with God (not too terribly long ago) about how much I was doing in my life and if there was anything I should give up. And I kept thinking to myself/to God (rather defiantly) "Well. I'm not quitting gymnastics, God."

Immediately I realized the error of this statement...but even though I told God "sure, if you want me to quit gymnastics, I'm cool with that," I didn't really give that to God. I clung to it because I wanted it so badly. Desired. To keep it.

Guess who hasn't done gymnastics in over a year?

So I think to myself (oh, what a wretched heart I have) "Well. Maybe I can jinx it. If I give it up, maybe God will give it back."

Of course not. What God wants is total surrender. He wants my heart and He wants it completely. When my speech was disqualified, it was such a shock for me that I had absolutely nowhere to turn but to God - and He gave me the strength and the peace to accept what I could not keep on my own, made me to realize that it really was Him who had done this work in me - that it was none of my own doing. And then - He gave it back!

Look at the things of this world that tie our hearts down from being completely surrendered to God! Computers, clothes, jewelry, shoes...having nice school supplies, nice things in your house. A nice car, a nice this, a nice that. We crave the acceptance of others, yet we so often fail to crave what really matters - God.

We run, we run to finally be set free
But we're fighting for what we already have received

We try so hard be accepted - but we already are. God doesn't need us to prove ourselves to Him. He doesn't need us to build up a life that is perfect and good so that He can accept us. (unlike a lot of humans of the world) He accepts us as we are. Insignificant, worldly little scumbags (as Mike put it) who let such flighty, perishable things take captive of our hearts instead of the one who can really satisfy us.

Lord, I love so many things
That keep me from your face
Come and save me!

Now a Memory....

...Thus was the course of my Monday-through-Friday-until-around-6:30-ish

Like I said last time I posted about the tournament - it was going great. I was looking forward to Friday and Saturday.

Friday evening, shortly after they had just announced that speech breaks would not be until Saturday morning (::grumble::), we were informed that the Chinese-style shirt I had worn for my Chinese speech (Illustrated Oratory - IO) was being thought of as a costume. We spent the next 2+ hours trying to convince them otherwise.

Their "concern" was that I had made a mental connection between the shirt and my speech, and that they couldn't have me "enhancing my speech that way". They also said that it would be an unfair advantage to other students. We tried to tell them I had worn it to previous qualifying tournaments and no one said anything, that I had worn it for my completely UN-Chinese DI (Dramatic Interpretation) and duo. But they were pretty much unshakable.

Slowly, with each passing question, they beat my dream of ever making it to nationals this year to the ground.

Have you ever worked for a long, long time for something you really wanted, only to find disappointment? I have never, ever in my life have a goal I was so motivated to work towards.

You think I was obsessed when it came to Bible quiz meets? To piano competitions? The Bible bee, even? I've never been obsessed with winning, so much as the process. Perhaps it's because I'm used to coming in 2nd all the time. But for some reason, I've never placed 1st in something huge (Awana Grand Prix does NOT count), but I've never been that upset over it. I'm content with 2nd, or 3rd - so long as everything was played fairly and there wasn't some sort of emotional battle going on (like games and quiz this year) while doing it.

But that's because I've never aimed for 1st. I've always felt that someone else would be there, so I'll just aim for 2nd place. You know what I did this time?

I aimed for 1st. I told myself what my friend has told himself for his competitions. I'm going to win this. I am going to make it to nationals. While I know I didn't put as much work as I could have (all that last minute stuff, you know....), I really put a lot of myself into it.

You know me. I love obsessing over things, being a perfectionist, and doing everything just right. I throw myself into something I love. And I haven't had anything this year to do that with.

But Tuesday night before the tournament, I realized that I didn't deserve to win. I didn't deserve to qualify for nationals. I had continually put things off until this last minute, why should God just let me qualify to a national tournament like that?

But oh, I had such high hopes. So I told God that this was His tournament. I told Him I wanted more than anything in the world to qualify for nationals, but if He didn't want me to, then I would still rejoice - whatever was His will.

I think He took me up on it - although I sure didn't think it would happen this way.

About a third of the way through that conversation, we had to pause because they had to go announce debate breaks. So I went into the bathroom, dried my eyes, and told God this was for Him...over, and over, and over again. Then I told myself I was fabulous, that everything was fabulous, and went back into the room and recited 1 Corinthians 13 three times through to myself before they came back.

And then they did. My brain kept spinning, they kept questioning me, repeating over and over again that I had admitted to making a connection between a Chinese shirt and a Chinese speech and therefore had violated the rule......

I understood their intentions. I understood their reasoning. I understood, and they knew it. But no amount of our position could persuade them otherwise.

But through the tears, some kind of peace kept pushing. My heart kept crying out that God had a plan, He had a reason. He was still sovereign, still good.

It could have been the sheer injustice of it all. But by the time I arrived Saturday morning, my entire club knew - and it was oh, such a beautiful blessing to be surrounded by people I loved and who loved me. By the end of the day, it felt like half the competitors were on my side.

After the tournament, they (the board of directors/interrogators) told me I would have broken to semis. (we asked for this information) I knew that was the case. I know I would have broken to finals, and I'm convinced I would have qualified for nationals.

But something in me kept saying, "look at all the ways God has blessed you. You aren't going to nationals, but look what else you have."

• I qualified to regionals. Most novices aren't expected to get that far.
  
• Regionals was in WA. Normally it's somewhere else, like Colorado. That's far.
  
• If that wasn't enough: Regionals was 2 minutes from my house. A 15 minute walk. Closer than any of the qualifying tournaments.
  
• The only event I never broke in was impromptu (my DI, IO, and duo all qualified for Regionals)
• Alright, alright, it is my first year. (but I set high goals for myself, first year or not)
  
• My IO placed 2nd and 3rd in qualifiers
• God provided the means for me to compete in 3 qualifiers, one of which was out of state
• Our duo broke to semis at regionals - something I was not expecting
  
• My friends, Oh, Heavenly Father, my friends are such a blessing.

The worship that morning was somehow geared exactly towards everything that had happened. I left the tournament knowing that God had a reason, a plan, and a purpose - regardless of how much it hurt - even if I never went to nationals.

This is a poem that Gray wrote awhile back, which she shared with me after the tournament:

Lord, I come with humbled heart,
My pride has left my eyes.
I come a child, full of trust,
I leave behind all ties.
I come a child, unconcerned
With things too great for me,
I come a child, longing just
To sit here, at your knee.
With quiet soul, and patient heart,
I put my hope in you.
I give my heart! I give my soul!
I’m yours, Lord, through and through!

The Weight of Glory

Have you ever been in the place where you're so caught up in the mucky things in life that you begin to find your identity in your problems?

After my disqualification, I was trying very, very hard not to let this happen to me. I've done it with lots of other situations and I was sick of the depressing feeling and the tears. I didn't want to let it eat me up. As much as I love the comfort of my friends, I didn't want to be selfish and self-centered by trying to draw a lot of attention to myself.

It's hard to stay focused on God regardless of feelings. And by Wednesday, I was getting pretty bad at it. But about halfway through Wednesday, I realized that I could not let this get to me. I literally told myself:

Hannah. You are disqualified. You are not going to Nationals. We live, we learn, we move on. God obviously didn't want you there, so you need to buck up and keep going.

I think I had myself somewhat consoled, when dad ran and told me to get off the internet quick, because we needed to save bandwidth and Mrs. P was on the phone. (she was the assistant tournament director)

Almost the moment my coach said "we need to talk about your IO", I knew my dream of going to nationals was going down the drain. And the moment I heard Mrs. P was on the phone, I was almost positive I knew what she had called about.

....I was right. (::happy dance!::) Mrs. P was calling to tell me that I had received an at large slot for my IO. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

For those of you not in speech, "at large" is when you do well in multiple tournaments (I'm guessing like 4th or higher in at least 2 tournaments - but what does this novice know?) but don't qualify for nationals at the regional tournament. This "at large" slot is a spot in the national tournament!!!!!

So yes, in plain, beautiful, wonderful English: I AM GOING TO NATIONALS!

::calms down::

It absolutely amazes me what God can - and will - do, when we "carry on". Not just "*sniffsniff*, okay, I can do this" kind of thing. Really, totally, and fully realizing that God has a greater purpose, and continuing on in the faith that He will reveal it to you in time.

Saying that "there is a reason, there is a hope, God is still good, He is GOD, and I will worship Him no matter what" is precious in the dark. It's what you hold onto.

I've never felt such peace about accepting God's will before. About letting go, and throwing myself into the trust of my Heavenly Father. And when I did, it suddenly put into perspective all the other things that were only partially surrendered to God. Things like church and friendships. While I've tried to surrender them to God, I always seemed to "find identity" in those problems. This problem was just as emotional - but comparatively smaller than others - which put it into perspective for me what it means to surrender something to God.

It is not until we do that that the morning can come. And no matter how long it takes to dawn, whether it be a month, a year, or 5 days as it did for me, this is my prayer - With everything I am, and everything I have - I dedicate myself to doing one thing well: I will love you.

Love

One afternoon during Omnibus [history/literature/theology class], when I was in 7th grade at DMCA, Mr. Purcell asked us what the opposite of love was.

Of course, we all answered "hate" – which, much to the surprise of our 7th grade minds, was incorrect.

Pride. The answer is pride. This took awhile for me to reason through, at first. But I understood it more as I thought about it, and as God has been teaching me through 1 Corinthians 13, and other passages, I understand it even more.

Pride is not just stuck up people. Pride is wanting the glory for yourself. And by "glory", I don't mean "worship", or "regal honor" like some people see the word glory.

We see these huge contrasts in Christian movies, books, and devotional stories. There’s the obvious “sinner” who says, word-for-word “I want to WIN. I want to be in the center of attention!” And so we think “That’s what I’m not supposed to be like. Okay, easy. I don’t do that. No pride? check.”

And, we basically write ourselves off as pretty good Christians who do the right things.

But there are so many little things. Pride is anything that puts you before something else. It’s what satisfies your wants and desires. If you are putting anything that makes you feel comfortable, happy, and satisfied when there are things you could be doing for others and for God, that’s pride.

No, I don’t mean things like eating, sleeping, taking medicine to make pain go away, etc. I mean things like, reading a book instead of doing homework. Doing things you want to do instead of what you should do. That’s pride. Because you’re putting your wants first.

Love, on the other hand, is selfless. It thinks only of God and of others. It reaches beyond any emotion, or even the selfless love of friends for each other. It is selfless to everything.

1 Corinthians is screaming that in every verse.

Verses 1-3: No matter what kind of possession, ability, or anything that we have – if we’re not selflessly using it for God, if we’re using it to satisfy ourselves, to make us feel good – we’re Nothing. [and what makes us do it for ourselves? Pride.]

Verses 4-7: If you look at each one of these words [suffering long, kindness, not envying, etc], each of them requires you to put someone besides yourself first. ANY need/want/desire that you have…it doesn’t come first. You have to forget that.

Verses 8-13: If you have your focus on anything else, you will fail - because those things will pass away. But Love Never Fails.

I know if I write out each verse and talk about it, you'll quit reading, as this post is already rather long. But I encourage you to go read 1 Corinthians 13, and see what God teaches you. It's amazing.

PS - if I what I'm saying isn't right or something, please tell me. =)