Excuses for Empty

We've all heard those testimonials -- the story of a friend's struggle with sin and their redemption from it. They say things like "I was chasing empty pursuits that ultimately left me unfulfilled." 

Uh-oh, you say. Hannah's going to take apart another cliche again. 

Well, sort of. Stick with me, okay? 

Every time I hear someone give that kind of testimony ("I was chasing after money...I was pursuing external beauty instead of internal beauty...I was trying to be loved instead of loving others first..."etc etc) I always get this picture in my head of the person sitting down at their desk in the morning and making a list of all the ways they can pursue that sin. 

I imagine them living for it 24/7 the way a homeless man might worry about staying alive. "I was living for myself," they say.

I get this picture of these people praying to themselves. Of them reading books on the topic and listening to sermons, going to conferences...then they literally and deliberately proclaim: "This is what I live for!!! This is my ultimate goal in life!!" 

And despite its incorrectness (although it is possible for people to be obsessed), one can understand this viewpoint, right? If you take the opposite of all those, it sounds just fine. "I'm living for God. My goal is to glorify Him. I am seeking to love others before myself."

But see, the opposite of love is not hate. It's pride. It's complacency. And those aren't things you have to deliberately obsess over in order for them to rule your life. That's the trick of the word. Complacency.

You have to actively seek God. You don't have to actively seek sin. You were born into it. 

Evil sneaks up on you from behind.  It doesn't start out as an obsession. It starts out as a little idea, a harmless idea -- just a little lifestyle improvement.

"You should get some nicer clothes." 
"You can't afford to lose any piano students."
"It would be good if you sounded more polished and confident when you say that."
"A pair of shoes to match this outfit would be nice."
"Your blog posts need to be more winsome and well-written."

...and on the list goes. Are these ideas bad? No, not really. But every time I hear someone say "Now don't get me wrong, these things aren't inherently bad," ...I begin to use it as an excuse for me to continue thinking that way. 

You don't realize it when it becomes too much. It's not an obvious. It's not like you're deliberately trying to be evil. Soon, though, you discover that it has more control than you thought.

Is it my every waking desire? No. Is it obvious to public view? Probably not. Is it the reason I live? Of course not. 

But still has a grasp on me. A grasp I am fighting to be free from. We often limit evil to a proactive thing -- like the bad guy in the movie who is trying to do wrong. But evil is not like that. 

It's not a matter of finding the men in black suits with masks. There is a much deeper battle at play.

What I Do When I'm Supposed To Be Writing A Speech.

Pardon the disheveled sort of look. It's late at night. Aforementioned speech may or may not be posted for the public to view.

Tomorrow I'll stop procrastinating.

When I was little, I used to try to have "perfect" days. I would try to be good for the entire day.

It never worked. =P

So, at the end of the day, I always said to myself, "I'll try again tomorrow. I'll really do it this time."

And as I got older, I somehow kept that mentality. The idea that one day, it would suddenly happen - BOOM - I'd have life figured out.

Lately I've been frustrated with the fact that...I'm no different than I was 10 years ago. I still say "tomorrow I'll be different. Tomorrow I'll actually not check my email and I'll actually practice piano instead."

::snort::

I have a feeling I'd be a much better pianist if I'd ever actually put that idea into practice. (haaa see that clever use of a pun there? I actually didn't intend that.)

But really - I would say to myself as I went to bed "ugh! I failed again. But I won't fail tomorrow."

Isn't "tomorrow I'll stop procrastinating" an oxymoron?

As your stereotypical homeschooler saturated by the message of the Rebelution, I've had the idea that if I didn't do great things as a teenager, I've somehow wasted my entire life. I frowned upon my 18th birthday and felt as if my opportunities had all been taken away now that the number associated with my years of living is one higher than it was a month ago.

But the reality is - I will never have more time than I do right now.

I'm only going to be 18 once. Just for 365 days. Why ruin it by wishing it was something else?



Maybe tomorrow I'll start over
Maybe tomorrow I will finally change my ways
Said the same things yesterday
Don't know why I'm so afraid
To let you in
To let you win
To let you have all of me

Can't spend my whole life wastin'
Everything I know I've been given
'Cause you've made for so much more than
Sittin' on the side lines
I don't wanna look back and wonder
If good enough could've been better
Everyday's a day to start over
So, why am I waiting for tomorrow?

I don't want to look back and wonder if my "good enough" could have been better. I want to live life to the fullest, and not waste my time worrying about wasting my life. I'm going to get out there, do something, and live! And I'm going to do it today.

You know what's cool?

Having a job.

And paying for stuff yourself.

:)

Before today becomes our yesterday.

Tomorrow, my friend Paul and I turn 18. It's a golden birthday! Wheee!! We've always had fun having the same birthday.

But only just now, we were mourning our last hours as children. It was rather pitiful. (I, being the girl, was far more pitiful...)

It just sort of occurred to me that the rest of my life is lived in adulthood.

Call me naive and childish, but yes, I did just realise that.

And it makes me think -- there really is no going back.

10 years from now, I will still be me - not some magically transformed person who changed ages. The things I do now will become who I am later.

People say, "treasure every day, because it could be the last you've got."

And while I'm still young and have my whole life ahead of me, it sort of makes me realise how much each day really is a treasure. Because -- really, this is...IT. Pretty soon I have to go to college. I have to move out. I have to live on my own....for the rest of my life.

I'm starting to realise more and more what people mean when they say that the teen years are a launching pad for the rest of your life.

Because really, the "rest of your life" is the majority of your life. Childhood is such a very, very small part of your life.

As some random song that's played on the radio station goes,

"This is the first day of the rest of your life."

It's weird, but it's actually kinda true.

Isn't growing up weird? It never stops happening. I keep thinking I'll hit some happy medium and be the same for a long time. But clearly this is not the case.

I have two more years left before I go to college. That's two more years of my family as I know it now. Am I treasuring it while it lasts?

Do I push my little brother off when he wants to hang out with me? Am I listening to my music when my older little brother wants to talk to me? Do I ignore my dad when he wants to tell me something, or my mom when she wants help in the kitchen?

Even now, I look back at my days of being 8 years old and thing "those were the days."

But what's to stop me from making these days "those days?" Will I look back on these years with joy? I want to.

I want to remember the way my brothers laugh when I tickle them, the way my mom smiles when I surprise her, the way my dad goofs off and teases me. I want to treasure every moment while it's here.



Teach me to number my days
And count every moment before it slips away
Take in all the colors before they fade to gray
I don't want to miss even just a second more of this

When it's all said and done
No one remembers how far we have run
The only thing that matters is how we have loved
I don't want to miss even just a second more of this

Slow down, slow down
Before today becomes our yesterday
Slow down, slow down
Before you turn around and it's too late

It happens in a blink
It happens in a flash
It happens in the time it takes to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life
It happens in a blink.

Because I'm just weird like that.

This morning is definitely on my list of weirdest mornings. Or maybe just most abnormal.

I got up at 5:30 this morning (::gasp::) and cleaned my room in the dark. That’s right, the dark. Because I didn’t want my bedroom light to wake anyone up. I’m a ninja like that.

Then I took like a superfast shower, and by then it was late enough to turn my lights on. I then proceeded to do geometry in under 45 minutes. (Like I said, I’m a ninja.) Then I read like 3 chapters of my literature book (The Red Badge of Courage…it’s…an interesting book. I sort of like it…kinda.)

I was really hungry after all that (this ninja thing isn’t easy, you know) so I went into the kitchen, put like an extremely large pile of dishes away, (really quietly, like a ninja, you know.) and tried to find something to eat….with no avail. And there was like, less than ½ a cup of milk left. So I warmed it up, and had about ½ a cup of hot chocolate, mixed with a little rice milk. It tasted funny.

I also discovered that we had chocolate covered ginger cubes, which is probably totally whacko to some of you, but proved to be an immense source of happiness for me….

Then I went back and did physics for an hour, and almost completely finished this week’s homework. I also spent a great deal of this time reading all the problems aloud to myself in a cross between a Russian and Malaysian accent.

Then I did my economics homework.

Then I was informed that we had waffles. (I had apparently neglected to check the freezer in my previous quest for edible goods) So, (being like really hungry at this point) I had two of those, but I’m not a huge fan of them, especially wheat bran waffles. So I made myself two eggs. And since I was still hungry, I ate this gigantic banana. Like, the size of my head. And being still hungry, I ate potato chips. And since I was still hungry, I ate ice cream. Nom.

Mmhm. I think I have a life record here. I’ve never had ice cream for breakfast.

And now it’s 10:40, I have half my schoolwork done, and I’m still like, really, really hungry.

I suppose I’d better get back on that economics homework. Hopefully you found this post a mild source of amusement, because it’s not often that I take the time to detail to the public view the in-depth events of my life. More evidence of the abnormality of this morning, I suppose. 8)

More grace?

I find myself repeatedly saying to God - "God, can I have a little more grace this time? If you just give me grace on this...I should be good for awhile."

What?!

Sometimes I wonder how God could love me, which such wretched thoughts that go on in my mind.

I don't just need God's grace for certain things and then I'm "good for awhile". Eesh. Where did you get that idea, Hannah?

I need to live daily by His grace.

I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. And the life which I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the law, then Christ died in vain. [Galatians 2:20-21]

For he who has died has been freed from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him, knowing that Christ, having been raised from the dead, dies no more. Death no longer has dominion over Him. for the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God. Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Therefore, do not let sin reign in your mortal body,, that you should obey it in its lusts. and do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace!

What then? Sheall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? Certainly not. Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves slaves to obey, you are that one's slaves whom you obey, whether of sin leading to death or of obedience leading to righteousness? But God be thanked that though you were slaves of sin, yet you obeyed form the heart that form of doctrine to which you were delivered. [Romans 6:7-17]

You wait, little girl...

I've grown up watching the Sound of Music ever since I was old enough to understand the story. I always had fun identifying with a different Von Trapp child each time I watched it...first I was Gretel's age (5)...then Marta (7), Brigitta, Louisa, Kurt, Fredric (13 was pretty exciting.) and Liesel (16/17)

Liesel was always way too far up there. 16 is like. OLD.

Heh.

I remember when I was little, I used to look up to my 16-year old cousins with raptured awe...they were so old, they knew everything, and they were so smart, and oh! how I wanted to be like them.

Growing is such a strange thing. You're never ready for it, but that's all a part of what growing is. And you slowly adapt...life continues, and you...well, "grow" used to it.

At the end of this summer I was dreading being a junior. Now that it's actually started, I'm rather enjoying it - perhaps due to the fact that it's so many billions of millions of times better than my sophomore year.

15, like my friend Gray said, has lots of growing room. 16 is sort of a giant leap, but then you find you get used to it and rather like it. But 17...heh. I don't really want to leave 16 behind.

But, like anything else, even when I'm not ready to embrace change, I'll look back and realize that I wouldn't have done it any different. After all, one doesn't have a birthday every day, and I only have 4 days left to sing the famous 16 going on 17 song. (:



And like my friend Gray said in her 16-going-on-17-post, (which you should all go read because it describes my sentiments exactly, except that I'm not near as gracefully poetic/thoughtful/etc as she is - I got to the end of this post and realized how similar it is to hers. It's even posted at the same time, 4 days before turning 17.) it's not really a role model song, but every girl should sing it and make it last while they're 16 because...well, you can't ever legitimately sing it after that. (:

Three cheers for being old! (which, as L.M. Montgomery says, is a sign that you really are still very young.)

-Hannah