I've been beating up on myself a lot recently. Call it perfectionist, call it over-controlling, call it self-righteous...whatever. But when I see a problem, it bothers me.
Honestly, it's a wonder to me that people love me at all when my own love is so distorted. When my view is so dirtied by this fateful curse of sin.
But I wonder if Christians play it up too much. We spend so much time indoctrinating our children on what is right and what is wrong and what ought and ought not to be. We tell them what mindsets are correct, what things are lies of the devil, and that anything contrary to what they are teaching is a falsehood and should be rejected immediately.
We do this so much that when these children grow up and enter the real world, they don't know what to do with it. False love, pride, lust, homosexuality, beauty, acceptance -- it shows up in all ways, shapes, and forms in our lives -- ways far deeper, dirtier, and more terrible than anything they ever taught us in Sunday school. Yes, there are worse things than hitting your brother.
And what have we been taught? That sin in any form is not okay.
But I'm starting to think that....that it is okay.
Oh heavens come crashing down, what am I saying?
No, really. We're taught to reject sin so much that when we discover a new form of it taking shape in our lives that we've never experienced before, we don't know how to deal with it. We've been taught that it's only the really messed up people who think this way. Only the people who are completely lost.
And we're not lost like that, no sir, we have Christ on our side.
We, in fact, are the broken, lost people that we they warned us about in Sunday school -- and when we discover this, it shocks us. How could we be like this when we're supposed to be something greater than this?
So we push it down. Shove it back. Place it in a corner. We're stronger than this.
But we're afraid to be broken. I'm afraid to be broken. I'm afraid to be sinful, because...well, I'm a Christian, so aren't I supposed to be cured of that?
Like any other perfectly homeschooled, Christian kid, I went to VBS every year. Actually I went to about 3 or 4 every year. And I always heard the same thing -- which was really just a condensed version of what I was taught in Sunday school:
When we're saved, that doesn't mean that we stop doing bad things. It means that Jesus now helps us not do bad things.
So perhaps because I feel that because Jesus is not doing anything to "help me not do bad things" that I must be screwed up in some way.
But I'm a Christian. I'm not supposed to be this way.
So I encounter problems. I realize I'm more broken than just "disobeying my parents" or "being mean to my brother." My heart is deceitful, and desperately wicked. I've been taught for years that this - these problems, this brokenness - it's wrong. But I've also been taught that because "every sin past present and future" has been forgiven and that "Jesus helps me not do bad things" that all of these problems I have should be either nonexistent or easy to fix "because I have Jesus."
So I shy away from being broken. From admitting I have a problem. From being brutally honest and real. From finding out who I really am. Even from accepting the brokenness of others.
Oh, they struggle with that? They must not have Jesus. They don't have hope like I do.
(I've always been told I had hope in Jesus. But when does that teaching cease to be a piece of knowledge you must memorize and start to become a truth that you cherish?)
But I'm starting to realize that it's okay. It's okay to be broken. It's okay to be sinful. It's okay to hurt. It's okay to be confused. And it's okay for other people to be that way, too.
You see....we're not God. We're not perfect, and we can never be perfect. We have no business rejecting brokenness and sin when we're living in it. Call me crazy, but yeah, it's taking me awhile to understand this.
Yeah, sin is still wrong.
But it's okay to mess up. It's okay to fail. It's okay to have no clue about anything.
Maybe that's what Jesus sacrifice was supposed to be about.
And maybe....just maybe, because of this radical sacrifice, God is okay with my brokenness, too.
What do you think?
I think you're onto something. I do believe that sin is wrong, always wrong, like you said. And that God is never okay with sin. But His love is greater than sin. He knows we're broken, that's why He died. He wants us to admit we need Him, and then to live like we love Him. <3 keep writing!
ReplyDeleteI simultaneously agree and disagree. Partly that's just because of the fine line between acknowledging that I do sin and being open and honest about my inability to conquer said sin without God's grace, and compromising to sin and tolerating it in my life.
ReplyDeleteYou used the term 'sin' and 'brokenness' interchangeably, which confused me. There's a vast difference between sinning and brokenness. I can sin and be completely unrepentant, unbroken before God and those around me; and, I would argue, I can be broken without sinning. Brokenness is being open about my weaknesses, my confusions, my mistakes (sinning versus making a mistake are distinct), and coming to Him for grace and strength; sinning is disobeying God.
If you are using the terms as synonyms, there's a few spots in here where I disagree. But I'm not sure if that's what you meant.
I'm not sure if this will communicate what's in my head clearly, but here's a stab at it: Sin is not okay - it's wrong; however, that I have sinned and do struggle with sin is okay.
After all that, though, I'm not sure that was any clearer... :p