Questing.

There are days where it seems as if transcendence is lost.

As if this quest might be a lost hope, deep in the darkness of the dungeon. 

  

But it is not. We will refuse to believe otherwise.We will press on through the darkness.

"Do you think it is a terrible thing to hope when there is really no reason to hope at all? Or is it (as the soldier said about happiness) something that you might just as well do, since,in the end, it really makes no difference to anyone but you?" (Kate DiCamillo)

Savour for a moment, if you will, this beautiful song, written by a newfound fellow blogger, Keeper of the Tardis.

One step closer to the end, my heart learns to sing again,

Life’s a journey, not a trial, not a race.

And when I am long gone, they’ll tell my story in a song.

I’ll have lived with a smile on my face.

And though it’s just a simple story, one more to join all the rest.

I lived, I loved, I gave it all I had.

I know that in the tales we dream, we dream of these same things.

Because it was you know… it was the best.

One step closer to the future,

Once more tread upon this road.

Roads go on whether I follow or I stay.

I have found a greater peace,

So come and sing with me.

In this love, I am happy, I am free.

Though I’m just a simple thread in the Tapestry of Time,

I mattered – we all matter in some way.

I’m content to live in grace

And to love with each new day…

And I think love’s all that matters in the end.

See the full lyrics and listen to it HERE. It is simply beautiful.

A thread in the Tapestry of Time.

Excuses for Empty

We've all heard those testimonials -- the story of a friend's struggle with sin and their redemption from it. They say things like "I was chasing empty pursuits that ultimately left me unfulfilled." 

Uh-oh, you say. Hannah's going to take apart another cliche again. 

Well, sort of. Stick with me, okay? 

Every time I hear someone give that kind of testimony ("I was chasing after money...I was pursuing external beauty instead of internal beauty...I was trying to be loved instead of loving others first..."etc etc) I always get this picture in my head of the person sitting down at their desk in the morning and making a list of all the ways they can pursue that sin. 

I imagine them living for it 24/7 the way a homeless man might worry about staying alive. "I was living for myself," they say.

I get this picture of these people praying to themselves. Of them reading books on the topic and listening to sermons, going to conferences...then they literally and deliberately proclaim: "This is what I live for!!! This is my ultimate goal in life!!" 

And despite its incorrectness (although it is possible for people to be obsessed), one can understand this viewpoint, right? If you take the opposite of all those, it sounds just fine. "I'm living for God. My goal is to glorify Him. I am seeking to love others before myself."

But see, the opposite of love is not hate. It's pride. It's complacency. And those aren't things you have to deliberately obsess over in order for them to rule your life. That's the trick of the word. Complacency.

You have to actively seek God. You don't have to actively seek sin. You were born into it. 

Evil sneaks up on you from behind.  It doesn't start out as an obsession. It starts out as a little idea, a harmless idea -- just a little lifestyle improvement.

"You should get some nicer clothes." 
"You can't afford to lose any piano students."
"It would be good if you sounded more polished and confident when you say that."
"A pair of shoes to match this outfit would be nice."
"Your blog posts need to be more winsome and well-written."

...and on the list goes. Are these ideas bad? No, not really. But every time I hear someone say "Now don't get me wrong, these things aren't inherently bad," ...I begin to use it as an excuse for me to continue thinking that way. 

You don't realize it when it becomes too much. It's not an obvious. It's not like you're deliberately trying to be evil. Soon, though, you discover that it has more control than you thought.

Is it my every waking desire? No. Is it obvious to public view? Probably not. Is it the reason I live? Of course not. 

But still has a grasp on me. A grasp I am fighting to be free from. We often limit evil to a proactive thing -- like the bad guy in the movie who is trying to do wrong. But evil is not like that. 

It's not a matter of finding the men in black suits with masks. There is a much deeper battle at play.

For the Speech/Debate Nerds among us...

I know some of you are out there.

I just discovered THIS blog and if you are a speech and debate person it is absolutely imperative that you read it. It had Raymond and I in stitches for a good half hour.

Chandler, please publish a book.

Music of the week month summer {brave}

So, everyone sings about touching the sky.

Like. Everyone. Go ahead. Google "touch the sky" and "lyrics." If you make it through the second page there are at least 6 different artists with that as their song title.

Despite the cliche, banal (I just learned that word today. SAT studying for the win! not.) use of the title, this post is my shameless promotion of my undying love for the BRAVE soundtrack and its opening song.

As of yet, (the movie came out in June) I have not yet tired of listening to this music. At all.

Just...listen to this song...and let your spirit dance a little with joy.



"Touch the Sky" is probably in close running with "Learn Me Right."



We will run and scream
You will dance with me
We'll fulfill our dreams and we'll be free

Yes, it's gorgeous. And there are bagpipes.

Go outside. Blast this song out your windows. Spin in the sunshine. Climb a pine tree. Delight in the sheer beauty that surrounds you.

PS - if you haven't seen the movie Brave, you need to. There is no question. It is better than Dawn Treader (the movie) and that says something important.

Summer Bucket List

Read the Lord of the Rings (Hey...at least I started it! I got lost in the forest somewhere.)
Read the Space Trilogy
Write a New song (only sort of. Like little bits of 3 different songs)
Get permit
Then get license (I AM SO STINKIN CLOSE.)
Climb a new mountain (I did climb old mountains though)
Vacation to the beach
Camp in the backyard
Learn Beethoven's Sonata Op. 10 #3 in its entirety
Buy a violin
Stay off the computer
Pikes Place
Cook dinner more
Read 5 nonfiction books (okay, I started 5…I didn’t actually *finish* 5…)
Learn calligraphy/lettering
Learn to draw
Get a job
Learn to ride a horse (more like clomping around on my friend’s chubby pony…let’s just say I have a ways to go till I’ve actually “learned.”)
Go to the Highland Games (well, I missed the Highland Games due to awana camp. But I went to a rodeo instead. Not the same thing obviously, but I decided it qualified for long-distance outdoor fair-type/entertainment sort of thing)
Learn archery
Find a medieval dress/cloak
Taking a shopping trip to the thrift store
Take pictures in a photobooth at the mall
Get a toy from "THE CLAW"
Write Nana a letter every week
Get hair cut

It was a good summer.

This growing up thing.

Yeah. Not cool.

Where the Stories Go.

I wanted to do a nice re-cap of my summer.

Tell you about what life was without the computer. How positively freeing it is, even though I didn't quite manage it. How I realized that my freedom isn't tied to the internet, it's tied to me.

I wanted to capture the awesomeness of the life I lived this summer into a blog post so you could experience a piece of it. To powerfully put into words the things I discovered.

But...I feel as if...the moment something is written down or expressed in spoken words, it is like you have put a bird into a cage. You have confined it, stripped it of meaning, limited its existence.

Words simply cannot capture the essence of truth. It is beyond, even, what humans could possibly comprehend even with their spirit. Not only is it not limited to words and understanding, but it is completely beyond this reality in which I live.

So much of my life has been lived trying to capture bits of truth into "my book of days." To write it down, to treasure it so that I know exactly where it is and how to find it and can pull it out at the right moment in a way that makes people think I am awesome. Trying to fit the ocean into my cup, to stretch my finite capacities to understand the unreachable limitless world of the infinite.

And I can't. I can't hold onto truth because truth is not mine to hold and keep.

In the words of a dear friend: "I'm not losing something by unfurling my grasp on it. Every single thing that occurs on this earth, that touches me, is still changing the world and molding my journey, my person, whether or not a record is kept of it. "

We are stuck in the in between, we are waiting, pressing on for a goal unreachable on this earth -- yet the very pressing on in and of itself means that we are not failing.

I had hoped to come back to blogging full of fire for writing, but now I find that writing cannot capture truly living. I will still write, I suppose -- but hopefully not in a way that lives for the praise I desire from readers, or from my need to know and understand everything, but simply for the living, for the discovering -- sharing, growing, becoming. To seek understanding without becoming a slave to it.

Mike Donehey (lead singer for tenth avenue north, in case you forgot) said, "I don’t write,
because I know what I’m talking about, I write precisely because I don’t know what I’m talking about....I write to unriddle my heart."

To unriddle my heart.