See Where It Leads

It's that call for something beyond you.

For something Greater.

Purpose. Drive. Peace.

That's what this song is about.



Pardon the Bulgarian subtitles. I can't find a normal one. =P Here are the lyrics. Really, listen to the whole song, it's good.

It's our calling.

When we step aside
From the center of our lives
When we learn to love mercy
More than being right
Pursuing peace and honesty

Can I love mercy more than being right? I've thought a lot about that especially with debate lately. Debate, it seems, has recently been a battle of who is more right. But in reality, it's not about proving who is more right, but about what you learn along the way. It's not about being right but -- when it comes down to it -- about being honest and loving.

Yes, there really are loving ways to debate personal freedom and economic security.

Starting down the road of selflessness
And seeing where it leads

Lately I've been obsessed with the idea of not jumping into anything without knowing what it might hold. I've been consumed with trying to know that whatever choice I make, the outcome will be successful and fulfilling. (Who do I think I am, God?)

When was the last time I just started down a path just to see where it lead -- as opposed to always worrying about which one will take me to the best place possible?

Am I that daring? Could I surrender my precious dreams for something greater that I can't yet see? It's not just a dream like a dream of being a famous gymnast or a world renowned debater.

No, this is the dream of thrill, adventure, laughter, friendship, happiness, contentment. Of being a person of worth on my own merit. The dream of being confident, capable, likeable. The dream of having control over my life and what happens in it - as if my own thwarted agenda will make me content.

It's the dream of a fulfilled life. What better could there be right?

My 7th grade teacher taught me that the key to happiness is fulfilling your purpose. But do you have any idea how stressful (not to mention impossible and vain) this kind of a dream this is? I wasn't created for this kind of purpose.

I was created for something more. A purpose that only a wildly glorious Creator could instill. And somehow, it's one that only he can fulfill.

There's a better way to live.

My 5 favorite words.

I used to think it was crazy that a person could have a "favorite word." It's like....buddy, there are billions of words in the English language. How can you have a favorite?

Alas, reader, I have come to discover that the number of things I used-to-think-were-weird-but-now-find-amazing is slowly increasing. Darnit, I think I'm growing up.

So here we go. My top 5 favorite words (as of right now):

5. Beauty
Our culture has such thwarted views of beauty. We think that beauty is fashion, beauty is perfection, beauty is makeup, it's in looks, it's having things. But beauty is so much farther beyond that.

Hannah Farver gives an awesome definition of beauty in her book "Uncompromising."

"Define beauty in a pair of scissors." [I said]
"Scissors aren't beautiful!" [Daria] cried indignantly
"How do you know? What makes a pair of scissors beautiful?"
Daria grabbed the pair of scissors on her desk.
"They're...uh...scissors are beautiful...because of how well they function."
"So if scissors work the way their maker wanted them to work, then they're beautiful?"

Beauty is not defined by the external looks, but by internal purpose.

Have you ever had a boyfriend, or a best friend, or a really adorable nephew, or somebody -- who made something for you? And if you were to advertise this gift on tv or in magazines, you probably wouldn't get a lot of interest. But it's precious because of who made it for you, and why they made it.

I feel like the word "beauty" is thrown around so much that it doesn't have the depth of meaning that it really should.

Beauty is defined by the sheer wonder of the purpose a thing was created for -- and of the Creator Himself. This is why trees are more beautiful than computers, flowers are more beautiful than cell phones, and my dog is more beautiful than your ipod.

Man made things are pretty, but God-made things are beautiful.

This is why you are beautiful. Your soul, the very essence of your being, your purpose, your existence, is simply....delightful. Wonderful.

Beautiful.

Which brings me to my next favorite word:

4. Purpose.
I think I've mentioned my 7th grade teacher a couple times on this blog now, and I really wish I had some way of contacting him so that I could tell him how much his theology class impacted me. He taught me that you will be happy when you fulfill your purpose.

There is something driving, invigorating, wildly fulfilling about the word purpose. To have a purpose is to know that you have worth. Your existence is not meaningless. There is no higher calling than fulfilling the purpose for which you were created.

"I like to imagine that the world is one big machine. You know, machines never have any extra parts. They have the exact number and type of parts they need. So I figure if the entire world is a big machine, I have to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too." -Hugo (::squee!:: another opportunity to quote "The Invention of Hugo Cabret")

We were created for relationships: to love God and to love other people.

But I also think we were created to seek, and to never stop seeking. The funny thing about relationships is that they're ongoing. You don't simply "arrive," and you will never be done. You are always seeking to know a person better, talk to them more, and so on.

Part of our purpose is seeking, climbing, working to discover the truth. I used to think that "purpose" was a goal you were trying to achieve. But now...I think it's more the reason you are trying to achieve it.

Which brings me to...

3. Quest.
I can't mention how much I love this word without mentioning one of my favorite books, "The Tale of Despereaux."

"And what, may I ask, do you intend to do with the thread?" [said the Threadmaster]
"Save the princess." [said Despereaux]
"Ah, yes. The princess...and how, exactly, will you use a spool of thread to save a princess?"
"A rat has taken her and hidden her in the dungeon, so I have to go back to the dungeon, and it is full of twists and turns and hidden chambers. And I have to find her...and I have to lead her back. I...I will use thread."
"I see, I see," he said. "You, my friend, are on a quest."
"I don't know what that is," said Despereaux.
"You don't have to know. You just have to feel compelled to do the thing, the impossible, important task at hand."

A Quest. Impossible. Important.

The wonderful thing about the word "quest" is that not only is it a journey towards an end, but something about it implies that you are not merely on it for the gold at the end. There is more to this journey than simply reaching the finish line. There are discoveries to be made, souls to make friends with, beauty to be found -- all along the way.

When you're climbing a mountain, you're obviously trying to get to the top. But the top is not what it's all about. There's also the journey upwards, the path that you take, the things you discover on the way. That's what a quest is. Learning, discovering, uncovering new and exciting things that continue to press you forward, closer to the top of the mountain, but making everything beautiful along the way.

2. Truth
To be honest, the power of the word "truth" sometimes makes me shudder a little. Truth is not a fairytale, truth is not in my head, it transcends what I feel and what I think and is not subject to anything or anyone. It simply is. It is more than a teaching, more than an idea, more than a topic of discussion.

It reaches beyond the confines of religion and soars above even the limits of Christianity. It baffles our tiny, ant-sized views of reality. Truth does not change because God does not change, and God is truth.

It's something that, once discovered, is unshakeable, unstoppable, and changes your life forever.

And you shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

Bringing me lastly to...
1. Transcendence
I don't know exactly why, but I have always loved the word "transcend."

"To transcend something isn't just to get past it or to move on from something, but it means to completely overcome something in life." -Lindsey Stirling.

Transcend means beyond. It means above, it means throughout. Something that transcends this world is something that is not limited to this world - it is so far beyond this world. It can't be held captive, cannot be defined.

So many things in this life are temporary. They are finite, fluffy little things that only last for a short amount of time. I often look at the futility of it all and wonder why does this matter?

I feel like the answer lies in all of the first 4 words that I listed. Beauty, Purpose, Quest, and Truth.

Part of what I loved about The Hunger Games was that it didn't end happily ever after. The world was still the imperfect, broken world, and injustice would always be there. But it was worth it because of what they were seeking to do. There was a higher cause, a higher truth, a greater purpose. Transcending the brokenness.

Beauty...purpose...truth...they transcend the futility in this life. They go beyond the frustration, disappointment, complacency, anger, and confusion -- to a truth that is beyond myself. A truth that is greater than me.

This...this truth is so far beyond the realms of our world. It is beautiful, it has purpose, because of the God who defines it. Therefore, not only is it beautiful, but it is in this quest for truth and beauty that we find our purpose, that the glory of God can transcend into our tiny world and shatter our lives with his truth.

And now, the inexplicable happiness inside of me for having used my 5 favorite words in a single sentence is kind of overflowing.

Do you have favorite words?

1 down, 33 more to go.

I really haven't been posting much of my own words lately. Either that or it's just a heavy criticism of other people's words. You're probably sick of the fangirl and music posts. And the infrequency.

Sadly, the only excuse I have for this is my own wall of fear (and maybe a touch of college work).

"What if nobody reads it?

"What if they don't understand what I'm trying to say?"

"What if they don't like it?"

...and probably the greatest one:

"What if they disagree, or they hate it, but instead of telling me so, continue their lives in quiet disdain of my own???"

Silly me. Not only have I created (hopefully) imaginary critics in my mind, but I have let those imaginary critics shape me. I'm letting myself be tied down by things that might not even exist.

Yes you, little imaginary reader, (wait, you're not imaginary. What I mean is, your imaginary critical self. Wait, are you critical in real life? This is getting complicated.) have unknowingly shaped my fears as a human being.

I have -- get this -- 33 drafts in my blogger folders. Thirty-three.

Some of them date back to 2010, but most of them are within the past few months...thoughts that I've kept to myself -- partially due to my overkilling perfectionism, but mostly for fear that my own lack of coherency will somehow make you think I must not be a decent person.

What is this...this fear of other people's opinions? I feel as if we all keep our deep dark secrets to ourselves, for fear that nobody else feels the same way...when in reality, we are all keeping the exact same deep dark secret.

I realized the other day what a petty thing it is to live for. Internet acceptance, I mean. Seriously? To incessantly check my email and/or blog in hopes that someone has clicked the "like" button is really just sickening. Why do I care? (I'll write more about that later...actually, I think it's in one of those 33 drafts...ha.)

Who am I to limit myself to the criticism of others? Am I going to let my own preconceived ideas of comments that don't even exist shape my own discovery of truth?

No siree!

So here come a few of those 33 drafts. Some of them are ones I was planning to post anyway and just never got around to it, but the idea is to get the guts to post stuff I'm unsure about.

We'll see how this goes.

"That's what makes it an adventure."

Last week, I went into the library to pick up a book that was on hold.

I was particularly excited about this book, because I had heard good things about it.

To my surprise (and slight dismay, for I have little spare time on my hands) the book was over 4 inches thick.

There's no way I'm going to have time to read this.

But as I let it fall open in my hands, I saw pictures.

Pictures. Hundreds and hundreds of pictures.

YES. The whole book is in PICTURES!!!

It is quite possibly one of the most brilliant books I have read this year.

The writing and storyline themselves are not the most genius: after all my SAT studying I found myself rewording sentences every now and then. But there are a couple very beautiful, very powerful moments in it.

AND THERE'S A MOVIE. Which is...AWESOME. Brilliant, wonderful, beautiful book-to-movie adaptation.



My favorite quote in the entire book is quite possibly the main reason I love this so much.

"Did you ever notice that all machines are made for some reason?" he asked Isabelle.

"They are built to make you laugh, like the [windup] mouse here, or to tell the time, like clocks, or to fill you with wonder, like the automaton. Maybe that's why a broken machine always makes me a little sad, because it isn't able to do what it was meant to do. "

"Maybe it's the same with people," Hugo continued. "If you lose your purpose...it's like you're broken.

"Sometimes I come up here at night...just to look at the city. I like to imagine that the world is one big machine. You know, machines never have any extra parts. They have the exact number and type of parts they need. So I figure if the entire world is a big machine, I have to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too."

I caved.

I got a tumblr.

The let's-avoid-writing-anything-of-deep-significance blog of the modern-day teenage girl who posts too many pictures of vintage outfits.

Okay, so not every tumblr is like that.

Like mine!

Reason: Lately I've been tired of trying to capture the meaning of life in words, instead of actually living it. (to put it the way a friend of mine does) I'll keep blogging, keep writing, but I wanted somewhere that I could expose my fangurl-ness without cluttering up my nice blog, and post quotes and links and pictures of kittens as much as I please without spamming your dashboard.

It's quite nice. However, I'm still a little skeptical about the idea of letting myself fall prey to yet another realm of internet slavery. We'll see if I keep this one up.

ps - If you have a tumblr, you should tell me, so I can stalk you, and we can all continue in our happy cloud of internet stalking and posting about kittens together.

In Memory.

Coherent thought fails me whenever I try to finish writing this post...it's been in my drafts for about a week now, so I'm just going to post it as it is. In memory of a beautiful human soul who is now in the presence of his glorious Savior.

I never knew Josh Eddy, but he's made an impact on my life regardless. My good friend Tianna is engaged to his brother, but aside from the occasional social-network comment, I never met him.

But you only need to read a few of his blog posts to know that he was a kid on fire for God. He was passionate, certain, and lived a vibrant life. The thought, depth, and passion in his writing and his life is evident in almost every way.

I can't claim the kind of friendship that many of my close friends have had, but since his death, my heart aches for his family and friends in a way it has not yet before.

Death is something that has yet to make its way into my life -- yet the passing of Josh Eddy has made me think about it more than ever. It has reminded me how precious and fragile life is. It haunts me to know that it could happen to any of my own siblings or friends -- but I'm starting to realize that I cannot live my life in such fear of it.

Josh certainly didn't. He wrote this post just a month ago.

"If a grenade dropped into the middle of my squad, you better believe that I would drop and wrap that thing in my arms against my chest to save them. Yet somehow I lack the motivation to die to myself daily and live for Christ and others in the small things. To read my Bible and pray: what am I really giving up? Forty five minutes of sleep?"

I want to live a life like Josh did. Not fretting over little things that aren't important, but living, seeking, growing, consistently aiming to know God more.

"To surrender a precious dream is a fearful thing, but to pursue anything but the full measure of the glory of God’s love is a wasted life." -Josh Eddy

To surrender a precious dream. What dreams am I clinging to that are preventing me from living -- truly living?

He lived -- and died -- well.

And that's the beauty of a life lived with purpose. He impacted lives that he never knew, people he'd never met.

Will you be able to say the same? Is my heart sold out on the single goal of knowing my Creator?

Please take the time to look at Josh's blog. His writing is absolutely amazing. Lastly, here are some memorable posts by friends of mine - Alexa (check out this one by her also), Paul, Ariel, Emily, Grace, Tianna. Please keep his family and friends in your prayers.

Josh, I wish I had been able to know you in person. Thank you for living for Christ and setting an example for so many people, including myself, to follow. You have left a legacy that will not quickly be forgotten, and will live on for so many years even though your body does not.