Today I...

Watched the Hobbit at 12am
Made paper snowflakes with small children
Went on a treasure hunt
Watched a documentary with BABY POLAR BEARS.
Ate homemade gluten free LEMBAS

I want you to be happy, yes.
I want you to experience fulfillment - but not always:
I want you to have just enough pain to keep you human.
Just enough hurt to keep you humble.
I want you have a hunger for ultimate satisfaction.
I want your heart to yearn for truth with a desire so great that it burns within your soul.
I want you to be consumed with One that is not of yourself. 
oh love, I want so much more for you than merely a happy life.

Like Butter Scraped Across Too Much Bread

This, my precious, is the definition of epic:



My only complaint? It doesn't need to be split into three two and a half hour movies. Just no.

Landing in a bucket. Or an umbrella. Or possibly a lampshade.

You know that "trust" game that we used to play as kids?
Or in Sunday school during youth group?

You fall back and you trust the person behind you to catch you. (or supposedly. That was the point, at least)

Faith...trust...it's not just that. Because when you're standing there trusting that person to catch you, you are also expecting them to. You know they're going to do it. (or at least try to. You get the idea.)

Faith isn't like that.

Faith is wild.

And God is not always going to catch you with his arms.


Earth shattering, I know. We like that picture to go with the song, oh, I'm happy in your arms or something mushy like that.

Sometimes he's going to let you fall for a long time before he catches you. Sometimes he's going to use a parachute and make you think you're falling and then you realize you're not. Sometimes he'll use something bizarre, like an upside down umbrella. Pokey. but it works, you know? Or maybe a blanket, or a swimming pool, or a tardis. Or a bucket. That would be painful.

The point is, he is going to catch you, you just don't know how.

Trust is not expectation.

Trust is placing your faith in the truth that God knows what you need, not what you think you need. It is knowing that it is not up to me to decide whether I get land on a fluffy mattress or a bed of pillows. Actually, it might be a bed of blackberry bushes for all I know.

The choice is not mine. The outcome is unknown. But the peace is transcendent.

Now if you'll excuse me while I go crawl in a hole with my textbook....

Glimpse

I think seeing Lindsey Stirling play Transcendence live last night was the best thing that has happened all month.

 

(Electric Daisy Violin)

Raymond and I decided she's the ultimate definition of a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

You must be sleep deprived when...

You're sitting in logic class and your only thought is...

I feel like I don't have my seatbelt on. 

And spend the rest of the class worrying...

Why don't I have my seatbelt on?

True Story. 

Fire.

Apathy is killing me.
Gnawing away at my life little bits at a time.
Wake me up.
Wake me up, not just in the inspiration of the nighttime hour,
when all is silent,
all is dark,
dark enough for my tiny, complacent light to be seen.

Wake me up,
in the afternoon, when the warmth of the sunlight is most anesthetic
light my soul on fire,
so that in the wake of the daytime,
in the glare of the daylight,
my flame can still shine.
Set it ablaze.

That's the thing about fire, isn't it?
It burns.

Don't let me be afraid of the burn.

Give me courage to sing till I am breathless
   to dance until I fall,
       love until I am empty,
          seek until I find,
    run until I am weak,
 give until I am humble
   to explore till I falter,
 take risk till I see beauty
      to live until I am yours.

Don't let me be afraid of the burn. 

Life was meant to be shared.
Joy is not our own.
Laughter is best with another.
Freedom is sweet in the company of many.
Love was not meant to possess, but to be poured.
Community is sweet,
   and in it we have safety.

One is mighty,
   Two is strong.
        Three is not easily broken,
But together we can be unstoppable.
                                       Together we can change the world.

But we are not delirious, not disillusioned.
Not blindly optimistic,
not shouting out happiness just because we can.

We are all hurting,
      but we are finding healing.
We are selfish,
      but we are finding out how to love.
We screw up,
     but we will continue to forgive.
Heartbreak is necessary,
     and I will embrace it.
We are finding -- not a hope that is naive,
     but a hope transcendent.

A strength beyond feeling.

This is not a battle cry.
It is not a blundering, blind pressing forward just to get through.
It is not an inspirational high.

It is the transcendent,
it is peace,
and it is beyond my understanding.

Desperate for a Desperate Heart

My fire is dying.
The toxic smoke
    smothering.
Numbing.

To love is to be vulnerable.
To come alive is to know sacrifice.

Light my soul on fire.
Burn these things I cling to,
   teach me to let go
to sacrifice
and then set it ablaze

So I can run,
   so I can feel
   so I can keep fighting.

You are the source of my flame,
   do not let it die.

I keep on giving in to the things that kill me, yeah.
Oh, tempted heart, come alive
I feel you burning inside.
Weary soul, lift your eyes
To a city where life will never die. 

This rusted world can't satisfy
There's nothing here that will survive
The night will end,
The sun will rise
On a city where life will never die.

Saw them live last Saturday. So good. 

The process of creativity must be found within the greater context of our pursuit of God. If we pursue creativity outside of this context we open ourselves up to self indulgence and competitiveness where the end product can impede, rather than aid, the church. As we pursue after God, the Spirit crafts His heart within us. The desire of self recognition and attention dwindle in the light of the divine desires for God’s glory and the beauty of His bride. 

-Rend Collective Experiment

The Abyss of Adventure.

This life is wild and precious.

I only have one.

Each day, each moment, each year -- it will only happen once.

It is not a safe journey. It is not a comfortable trail.

And I am not fearless. I am a coward, I am afraid of pain and suffering, I am afraid of losing, afraid of letting myself go into the unknown.  Afraid of not being liked, afraid of failure...the list is endless.

But that fear is alright, because I am not on a journey to become a fearless hero. I am on a journey to know my Creator. To seek and find the truth.

That fear is alright, because I have a God who is beyond me. Even if I don't feel comfortable in my own skin...my God did not make me for this world.

There was this moment this past weekend in which I found myself sandwiched in the backseat of a friend's car as a surprise for her birthday. Head down, feet tucked under -- trying to be as inconspicuous and small as possible.

I watched glimpses of trees blip past my small, poorly angled view of the window -- able only to wonder what was really going on when the brakes were slammed on or the road suddenly got bumpy. And I had no concept of when we'd get there or how long the trip was.

But listening to the music coming from the speakers, loving the voices and conversations of the driver and passenger, I realized I was able to enjoy each moment while it was there because there was no telling -- not even the slightest hint -- of how long it would be there.

The end of my story is unknown.

The reasons behind events I encounter are unseen.

My view of reality is skewed, narrow, limited.

And I am not fearless.

But perhaps I can be brave. Perhaps I can have courage.

Perhaps this abyss holds adventure.

Scenes from a summer

{location: outside on the deck under the stars}

Me: "This is perfect. All we need is a blanket and some tea."
John-Luke: "And a big sister."

(later)
Me: "I wish I had a big sister."
John-Luke: "I don't."
Me: "Why?"
John-Luke: "I'm not sure I could take two of you."

Me: Look at that tiny star. It's moving, but not like a plane, like a little bug.
John-Luke: "Maybe it's a mosquito. With a flashlight."

A small sampling

I like admiring people's senior pictures a lot. I think my friends are pretty. But when I got to have my own done I was little bit nervous because I was all like:

WHAT IF I'M NOT AS PHOTOGENIC AS MY MIRROR SAYS I AM.

True story.

But photographers, you see, practice the art of making non-photogenic people look like they must look this great all the time. And in my case, the practiced artist is Keilah Engstrom over at Vanilla Bean Photography. I never really realized all the stuff that goes into photography (like this little invincible light reflector thing. That was cool.) and it takes skill and knowledge -- something which she's definitely not lacking in! (I just point and shoot and stick it in a filter. Not real photography, kids.)

Contrary to my preconceived expectation ("taking pictures of yourself...that sounds vain. and awkward.") this was really really fun, (and not awkward at all), and I highly recommend her if you need senior, family, or wedding pictures. (and while I guess I can't say I speak from experience on the wedding part, if you look at her blog there are some SUPER gorgeous ones. ahh! wedding pictures make me kinda happy.)

Here's a bit of the fun we had, and you can see more of them HERE and be sure to check out her facebook page HERE.

 

A trivial post about things that make me happy.

RECORD SEATTLE SUNSHINE. It hasn't rained in months. I know I post about the weather too much but seriously if it was this sunny all the time I think I would be considerably happier.

It honestly is so good that I feel as if school is supposed to be ending. It's OCTOBER! the leaves are actually crunchy. I am so pleased. 

Also, you know how I used to be able to say that I don't watch tv?

I sort of can't really say that anymore. Although it still holds true that I don't watch live streamed television with advertisements and set showtimes. I just watch stuff when they post it on the internet.

And I have rather unfortunately fallen prey to yet another cultural trend on the internet, by the name of  "Doctor Who"

Yep.

All that wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff.

It's fascinating. Intriguing. It's also terrifying and completely thrilling. Refreshing, too. I needed a break from romantic drama. I keep forgetting how much I like science fiction.
Also Matt Smith is really good looking.

School is positively delightful. I'm learning all sorts of fascinating things in all of my classes, and all of them make me think, which I like. I've also been working in three different teaching environments, which challenges my teaching skills in multiple directions.

Lastly, in what bits of spare time I can find -- waiting for my ride, in the 10 minutes before class starts, while I have my after school snack -- I've been soaking up A Circle of Quiet by Madeleine L'Engle.

I really need to write an entire post devoted to her. Her writing is wonderful.

Such is my life at present. But I swore I wouldn't procrastinate my homework any longer so off I go.

-H

Questing.

There are days where it seems as if transcendence is lost.

As if this quest might be a lost hope, deep in the darkness of the dungeon. 

  

But it is not. We will refuse to believe otherwise.We will press on through the darkness.

"Do you think it is a terrible thing to hope when there is really no reason to hope at all? Or is it (as the soldier said about happiness) something that you might just as well do, since,in the end, it really makes no difference to anyone but you?" (Kate DiCamillo)

Savour for a moment, if you will, this beautiful song, written by a newfound fellow blogger, Keeper of the Tardis.

One step closer to the end, my heart learns to sing again,

Life’s a journey, not a trial, not a race.

And when I am long gone, they’ll tell my story in a song.

I’ll have lived with a smile on my face.

And though it’s just a simple story, one more to join all the rest.

I lived, I loved, I gave it all I had.

I know that in the tales we dream, we dream of these same things.

Because it was you know… it was the best.

One step closer to the future,

Once more tread upon this road.

Roads go on whether I follow or I stay.

I have found a greater peace,

So come and sing with me.

In this love, I am happy, I am free.

Though I’m just a simple thread in the Tapestry of Time,

I mattered – we all matter in some way.

I’m content to live in grace

And to love with each new day…

And I think love’s all that matters in the end.

See the full lyrics and listen to it HERE. It is simply beautiful.

A thread in the Tapestry of Time.

Excuses for Empty

We've all heard those testimonials -- the story of a friend's struggle with sin and their redemption from it. They say things like "I was chasing empty pursuits that ultimately left me unfulfilled." 

Uh-oh, you say. Hannah's going to take apart another cliche again. 

Well, sort of. Stick with me, okay? 

Every time I hear someone give that kind of testimony ("I was chasing after money...I was pursuing external beauty instead of internal beauty...I was trying to be loved instead of loving others first..."etc etc) I always get this picture in my head of the person sitting down at their desk in the morning and making a list of all the ways they can pursue that sin. 

I imagine them living for it 24/7 the way a homeless man might worry about staying alive. "I was living for myself," they say.

I get this picture of these people praying to themselves. Of them reading books on the topic and listening to sermons, going to conferences...then they literally and deliberately proclaim: "This is what I live for!!! This is my ultimate goal in life!!" 

And despite its incorrectness (although it is possible for people to be obsessed), one can understand this viewpoint, right? If you take the opposite of all those, it sounds just fine. "I'm living for God. My goal is to glorify Him. I am seeking to love others before myself."

But see, the opposite of love is not hate. It's pride. It's complacency. And those aren't things you have to deliberately obsess over in order for them to rule your life. That's the trick of the word. Complacency.

You have to actively seek God. You don't have to actively seek sin. You were born into it. 

Evil sneaks up on you from behind.  It doesn't start out as an obsession. It starts out as a little idea, a harmless idea -- just a little lifestyle improvement.

"You should get some nicer clothes." 
"You can't afford to lose any piano students."
"It would be good if you sounded more polished and confident when you say that."
"A pair of shoes to match this outfit would be nice."
"Your blog posts need to be more winsome and well-written."

...and on the list goes. Are these ideas bad? No, not really. But every time I hear someone say "Now don't get me wrong, these things aren't inherently bad," ...I begin to use it as an excuse for me to continue thinking that way. 

You don't realize it when it becomes too much. It's not an obvious. It's not like you're deliberately trying to be evil. Soon, though, you discover that it has more control than you thought.

Is it my every waking desire? No. Is it obvious to public view? Probably not. Is it the reason I live? Of course not. 

But still has a grasp on me. A grasp I am fighting to be free from. We often limit evil to a proactive thing -- like the bad guy in the movie who is trying to do wrong. But evil is not like that. 

It's not a matter of finding the men in black suits with masks. There is a much deeper battle at play.

For the Speech/Debate Nerds among us...

I know some of you are out there.

I just discovered THIS blog and if you are a speech and debate person it is absolutely imperative that you read it. It had Raymond and I in stitches for a good half hour.

Chandler, please publish a book.

Music of the week month summer {brave}

So, everyone sings about touching the sky.

Like. Everyone. Go ahead. Google "touch the sky" and "lyrics." If you make it through the second page there are at least 6 different artists with that as their song title.

Despite the cliche, banal (I just learned that word today. SAT studying for the win! not.) use of the title, this post is my shameless promotion of my undying love for the BRAVE soundtrack and its opening song.

As of yet, (the movie came out in June) I have not yet tired of listening to this music. At all.

Just...listen to this song...and let your spirit dance a little with joy.



"Touch the Sky" is probably in close running with "Learn Me Right."



We will run and scream
You will dance with me
We'll fulfill our dreams and we'll be free

Yes, it's gorgeous. And there are bagpipes.

Go outside. Blast this song out your windows. Spin in the sunshine. Climb a pine tree. Delight in the sheer beauty that surrounds you.

PS - if you haven't seen the movie Brave, you need to. There is no question. It is better than Dawn Treader (the movie) and that says something important.

Summer Bucket List

Read the Lord of the Rings (Hey...at least I started it! I got lost in the forest somewhere.)
Read the Space Trilogy
Write a New song (only sort of. Like little bits of 3 different songs)
Get permit
Then get license (I AM SO STINKIN CLOSE.)
Climb a new mountain (I did climb old mountains though)
Vacation to the beach
Camp in the backyard
Learn Beethoven's Sonata Op. 10 #3 in its entirety
Buy a violin
Stay off the computer
Pikes Place
Cook dinner more
Read 5 nonfiction books (okay, I started 5…I didn’t actually *finish* 5…)
Learn calligraphy/lettering
Learn to draw
Get a job
Learn to ride a horse (more like clomping around on my friend’s chubby pony…let’s just say I have a ways to go till I’ve actually “learned.”)
Go to the Highland Games (well, I missed the Highland Games due to awana camp. But I went to a rodeo instead. Not the same thing obviously, but I decided it qualified for long-distance outdoor fair-type/entertainment sort of thing)
Learn archery
Find a medieval dress/cloak
Taking a shopping trip to the thrift store
Take pictures in a photobooth at the mall
Get a toy from "THE CLAW"
Write Nana a letter every week
Get hair cut

It was a good summer.

This growing up thing.

Yeah. Not cool.

Where the Stories Go.

I wanted to do a nice re-cap of my summer.

Tell you about what life was without the computer. How positively freeing it is, even though I didn't quite manage it. How I realized that my freedom isn't tied to the internet, it's tied to me.

I wanted to capture the awesomeness of the life I lived this summer into a blog post so you could experience a piece of it. To powerfully put into words the things I discovered.

But...I feel as if...the moment something is written down or expressed in spoken words, it is like you have put a bird into a cage. You have confined it, stripped it of meaning, limited its existence.

Words simply cannot capture the essence of truth. It is beyond, even, what humans could possibly comprehend even with their spirit. Not only is it not limited to words and understanding, but it is completely beyond this reality in which I live.

So much of my life has been lived trying to capture bits of truth into "my book of days." To write it down, to treasure it so that I know exactly where it is and how to find it and can pull it out at the right moment in a way that makes people think I am awesome. Trying to fit the ocean into my cup, to stretch my finite capacities to understand the unreachable limitless world of the infinite.

And I can't. I can't hold onto truth because truth is not mine to hold and keep.

In the words of a dear friend: "I'm not losing something by unfurling my grasp on it. Every single thing that occurs on this earth, that touches me, is still changing the world and molding my journey, my person, whether or not a record is kept of it. "

We are stuck in the in between, we are waiting, pressing on for a goal unreachable on this earth -- yet the very pressing on in and of itself means that we are not failing.

I had hoped to come back to blogging full of fire for writing, but now I find that writing cannot capture truly living. I will still write, I suppose -- but hopefully not in a way that lives for the praise I desire from readers, or from my need to know and understand everything, but simply for the living, for the discovering -- sharing, growing, becoming. To seek understanding without becoming a slave to it.

Mike Donehey (lead singer for tenth avenue north, in case you forgot) said, "I don’t write,
because I know what I’m talking about, I write precisely because I don’t know what I’m talking about....I write to unriddle my heart."

To unriddle my heart.

Farewell for the moment

Ack! It's the first day of summer and I'm frantically posting all of the things I wanted to post before summer began and...well...yeah. So scroll down 'cause I posted some cool things. ^.^

At any rate, I am going "off-the-grid" as they call it around here, and spending my summer free from the computer/internet/technology in general...as much as is physically possible in this world of ours.

I feel as if I have finally reached the point where I can do it without caring about how much the internet world will suffer for lack of my impeccable presence. (snort)

I am, however, posting it on here as a form of accountability to myself -- not because you really need to know, but because embrazening it on the internet somehow makes it official.

Lately I've been really sick of the kind of command technology has over my life and how dependent I am on it.

I think I still might blog occasionally -- as in, write it out in a notebook and type it up on a library computer or something. Anything so that I'm not confined inside the house to a hunk of technology during the summer, but am still free to share thoughts and discoveries.

If you need to contact me, my email is on my profile, and I'll check it every once in awhile. =)

Happy Summer!

Summer Bucket List

Read the Lord of the Rings
Read the Space Trilogy
Write a new song
Get permit
Then get license
Hike a new mountain
Vacation to a beach
Campout in the backyard
Learn Beethoven's Sonata Op. 10 No. 3 in its entirety
Buy a violin
Stay off the computer
Adventure through Pike's Place
Cook dinner more often
Read at least 5 non-fiction books

...and that's just the beginning.

"If you had the chance to change your fate...would you?"

Scotland. Forests. Dresses. Archery. Horses. Freedom.

ALL combined into a single film.

What could be better?

Wayward Fancies

My ingenious, wonderful, creative, amazing brother has his very own blog! (finally!)

And it's quite awesome, to say the least.

Enjoy!

Speech & Debate: my 3 year summary.

This year has concluded my final year of speech & debate. While I wasn't able to go to nationals this year, my brother, as you've probably heard, took FIRST place at Nationals. :)

You'd think that as a speaker/debater, I'd be able to come up with the words for this post -- but this post has been in-draft for weeks while I tried to think of how I wanted to put things.

Out of all the things I've learned in debate, one of the biggest things I've taken away is that it's okay to be speechless.

Yes.

Good speakers are good listeners, just like good writers are good readers, and good artists are good observers.

But even more than that, becoming a good speaker is not knowing how you want to communicate, but what you want to communicate. And more often than not, it takes a couple speechless, red-in-the-face moments in front of a crowd of people for me to realize what my message really is, and why I'm doing this in the first place. We have to be vulnerable before we can be strong.

It's the grueling pain of experience that makes your message powerful and passionate.

You see...you really have almost no control over your own coherency during a speech & debate tournament. At least, I don't. I don't know about other people. But sometimes I have great rounds and sometimes I have terrible rounds and while it sometimes may or may not have a relation to the amount of caffeine I've ingested, there really is no way to have complete control over the outcome.

Sometimes, I draw a totally ridiculous topic in impromptu, sit there dumbly for my entire prep time, and then get up and give a brilliant speech. Sometimes I draw a great quote but stumble over every other word. Sometimes I've got an ingeniously crafted response to my opponent's argument, and I still lose. Other times I win even though I made clear contradictions in my cases.

I've come to realize that you can't decide what the outcome is going to be. You can't choose how things will turn out and no matter how good you are, it doesn't mean you'll always do well.

Sure, there's a lot of style, talent, and personal love for it that goes into public speaking, but those are not the things that make you a good communicator.

What makes you a good speaker is your passion for your message that you are sharing.

Communicating is not about getting other people to do things, or trying to make them understand you, and it's certainly not about winning a medal. It is not about proving to others you are more right than someone else,

Communicating is about sharing what you love with those around you. It's about taking that passion that you have and allowing it to run wildly into the lives of others so that they can experience the same delight that you have.

Communicating is about letting your message be your energy, when you have none. About letting what you have to say be the thing that drives you even when you think you can't keep going. And you don't need things to be just so in order to share it, either.

I had a persuasive round this year that was absolutely horrible. I forgot a line said something dumb like "oops I'm sorry, I lost my place...>AWKWARD PAUSE< and stumbled over my words. It was semi-finals.

But what I've learned is that God doesn't need me to be up to my standards of perfection in order to share His message.

In fact he even says, my grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weaknesses.

I'm not really sure how God's perfect strength could be "made perfect" through the weakness of a fallen, despicable human being -- but what I think this verse means is that this great, beautiful, mighty God can somehow work wonders through our shameful, awful weaknesses.

It's that moment you have...in a speech round, as you are reciting the speech you've practiced over and over again when suddenly, nothing in that moment is more important than your judge understanding and taking to heart what you have to say.

Through speech & debate I have learned the importance of hard work, the value of a small amount of time, and the precious closeness of some of my dearest friends. I have laughed, cried, sweated, and yes, literally bled. I have over 15 trophies and medals, at least a foot's height of judge's ballots, and am skilled in the art of packing for a 3-day tournament in under 2 hours.

In 20 years though, my guess is those trophies will be in a box somewhere. They won't last, but what will are the messages and truths I have learned.

There are many chapters of my life which I am not ready to close. Many which I have clung to desperately as if my identity depended on them, things I could not let go for fear that without it I might not know who I was.

But this time I okay with the ending, because I know that the experiences I have gained will go with me from years to come. I have taken something powerful from this.

It may have been my last year of speech, but my life as a communicator does not end there -- the end of this chapter is just the beginning of a new one. I'm off, I'm running, arms open to the experiences and adventures ahead.

The Games I Play

I've been holding off posting this because, as I've mentioned before, I don't like the possibility of being categorized as one of the screaming fangirl masses. Argh. Here it is anyway. And for those of you who haven't read the series, you can still read this post. =)

My original thoughts about The Hunger Games was mostly that it was a fad, a typical thing-that-everyone-was-into, and that while it's a great series, it wasn't all that deep.

And to an extent, that's still true. It really isn't like Plato or Lewis or even Kate DiCamillo. The second time I read the series through, I was hoping to glean brilliant quotes as I went, and there just weren't any. But there is one genius thing for which I must give Suzanne Collins credit, which I believe most of the screaming fangirl populous doesn't get...which is sickly ironic, especially since they've now made it into a movie.

I'm starting to realize how right she was in the whole series: about the Games. Apparently most of my intelligent peer group understood this way faster than I did...perhaps because I just let myself live in its alternate reality for so long.

My life...is a Game. I'm my own tribute in my own Hunger Games. Fighting to stay true to myself and my values while living in a world that is constantly pushing me to play by their rules while they broadcast false generalizations to the public in order to control the masses.

I have to submit to some form of government. I have to follow the rules when I sign a job contract. I am fighting, always fighting, to stay true to myself, to not be defined by anything else but my Creator. Living in a culture where looks can kill, in a place where media and technology pushes us to form a presentable self that is perfect and conformed -- but is not truly who we are.

Media is mostly a lie. Have you ever watched a video editor at work? Have you ever seen the kind of material they slog through in order to make a finished product? My brother makes movies, and as you know I'm a huge fan of them, so I'm definitely not bashing them.

But they're illusions. They're false realities. Do you know how many takes it took to get that scene right? How many voice overs, sound recordings, lighting changes, and script edits it took to make that 2-minute shot you see in front of you? The costumes, the makeup, the rehearsals. It's not what really happened. In real life they had dozens of cameras and sound equipment hovering over them while they pretended to fall in love or jump off that cliff (onto the cushy trampoline at the not-so-deep bottom).

Video editing -- putting it all together to make it look nice -- is a frustrating process. I've never done it, but I've been in close observation of people who do. You have hundreds of angles of the same shot to choose from, and the splicing and dicing and hours it takes to even get a single scene done can be agonizing.

We allow ourselves to be infatuated with this alternate reality and then become frustrated when our own doesn't line up: but the truth is, it will never line up, because the alternate reality simply is not true. Movies, media -- they are all false perceptions of reality that were jacked up to look fancy, to make us think our lives should be something that they are not.

Television, news, facebook, social media: it's all edited to what people think the world will want to see and hear. It becomes not only a false perception of reality, but a false perception of yourself.

And not only that, but we soon become a slave to it. I still fight my own slavery to the internet. I'm a compulsive email checker. It's like I have to check it every other half hour for some odd reason, in case I miss something awesome. I've probably clicked on the open gmail tab next to this post about 6-10 times in the last hour as I've been writing this post, despite the fact that I know a little (1) will show up if I really have a new email.

I'm a slave. I'm a piece in the Media Games.

We become slaves to false selves. To somebody that does not even exist. To a system that's making us numb, dumb, and complacent -- just like the people of Panem: blindly and hopelessly supporting an atrocious, disgusting game. What other terrible things am I blindly supporting?

Or perhaps worse -- what horrible things in this world am I refusing to take a stance on, to fight against? The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

In the Hunger Games, the gamemakers could do whatever the wanted to get the kids to kill each other. From materializing fireballs from nowhere to creating animals that screeched the voice of someone you knew, they cut the cameras away from the things that they didn't want the public to see, and only showed the gory fighting.

I feel like that's the culture I'm living in. Dressing up the media to make you think your life should be a certain way. Yeah, we don't kill each other -- but maybe we're even worse. We're building up false realities and ideas of perfection and labels and trying to fit everything into it. We're not murdering physical bodies, but we're destroying our souls.

But somehow...somehow, Katniss and Peeta managed to overturn the system. They refused to play the Capitol's Game.

What do we need to do to overturn the system of our culture? Is it even possible? This is the call for something beyond ourselves, the cry of our soul to our Maker. Somehow, none of this is possible without Him. I honestly don't know how yet, but that's the kind of quest that I'm on. The kind of purpose I was made for.

To discover the One who defines me and conform to His version of what my life should be: not my culture's. And then somehow...share that truth with the world that I live in.

Yet another beautiful reason why I love the word 'transcendence'. Watch this video again, or for the first time if you haven't yet. The message is so, so powerful.



It's that moment when you realize that your life has been lived in the face of a projector screen. And suddenly you feel that pull, that call: you were made for more than this. You have a greater purpose beyond letting everyone else just shine their light on you -- you have your own light to shine.

To fight the good fight, you need a drive. You need a purpose -- and it doesn't come from yourself. It doesn't come from your culture. It comes from your Maker.

It's my own, literal, real life Hunger Games.

I have no words.

But the NATIONAL CHAMPION FOR EXPOSITORY SPEAKING.....has some pretty good ones.

That's right folks. I'm proud to say I'm related to this kid, who WON NATIONALS, who is pretty much one of the most awesome brothers ever, and has, to my knowledge, given the state of Washington its first ever speech-championship title in the hall of fame.

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present to you The Art of Storytelling.

That's Right.

My brother's humorous interpretation of the math textbook "The Life of Fred" is FEATURED ON THE LIFE OF FRED WEBSITE.

Check it out.

I'm so proud of this kid. Right now he's competing at Speech & Debate Nationals, with his epic debate analogies and wicked amazing expository speech. As are my beloved club members. So missing them right now.

Update (4/8): LE BROTHER IS IN SEMIS AT NATIONALS. :)

UPDATE (4/9): FINALS FINALS FINALS OH MY GOODNESS RAYMOND IS IN FINALS.

See Where It Leads

It's that call for something beyond you.

For something Greater.

Purpose. Drive. Peace.

That's what this song is about.



Pardon the Bulgarian subtitles. I can't find a normal one. =P Here are the lyrics. Really, listen to the whole song, it's good.

It's our calling.

When we step aside
From the center of our lives
When we learn to love mercy
More than being right
Pursuing peace and honesty

Can I love mercy more than being right? I've thought a lot about that especially with debate lately. Debate, it seems, has recently been a battle of who is more right. But in reality, it's not about proving who is more right, but about what you learn along the way. It's not about being right but -- when it comes down to it -- about being honest and loving.

Yes, there really are loving ways to debate personal freedom and economic security.

Starting down the road of selflessness
And seeing where it leads

Lately I've been obsessed with the idea of not jumping into anything without knowing what it might hold. I've been consumed with trying to know that whatever choice I make, the outcome will be successful and fulfilling. (Who do I think I am, God?)

When was the last time I just started down a path just to see where it lead -- as opposed to always worrying about which one will take me to the best place possible?

Am I that daring? Could I surrender my precious dreams for something greater that I can't yet see? It's not just a dream like a dream of being a famous gymnast or a world renowned debater.

No, this is the dream of thrill, adventure, laughter, friendship, happiness, contentment. Of being a person of worth on my own merit. The dream of being confident, capable, likeable. The dream of having control over my life and what happens in it - as if my own thwarted agenda will make me content.

It's the dream of a fulfilled life. What better could there be right?

My 7th grade teacher taught me that the key to happiness is fulfilling your purpose. But do you have any idea how stressful (not to mention impossible and vain) this kind of a dream this is? I wasn't created for this kind of purpose.

I was created for something more. A purpose that only a wildly glorious Creator could instill. And somehow, it's one that only he can fulfill.

There's a better way to live.

My 5 favorite words.

I used to think it was crazy that a person could have a "favorite word." It's like....buddy, there are billions of words in the English language. How can you have a favorite?

Alas, reader, I have come to discover that the number of things I used-to-think-were-weird-but-now-find-amazing is slowly increasing. Darnit, I think I'm growing up.

So here we go. My top 5 favorite words (as of right now):

5. Beauty
Our culture has such thwarted views of beauty. We think that beauty is fashion, beauty is perfection, beauty is makeup, it's in looks, it's having things. But beauty is so much farther beyond that.

Hannah Farver gives an awesome definition of beauty in her book "Uncompromising."

"Define beauty in a pair of scissors." [I said]
"Scissors aren't beautiful!" [Daria] cried indignantly
"How do you know? What makes a pair of scissors beautiful?"
Daria grabbed the pair of scissors on her desk.
"They're...uh...scissors are beautiful...because of how well they function."
"So if scissors work the way their maker wanted them to work, then they're beautiful?"

Beauty is not defined by the external looks, but by internal purpose.

Have you ever had a boyfriend, or a best friend, or a really adorable nephew, or somebody -- who made something for you? And if you were to advertise this gift on tv or in magazines, you probably wouldn't get a lot of interest. But it's precious because of who made it for you, and why they made it.

I feel like the word "beauty" is thrown around so much that it doesn't have the depth of meaning that it really should.

Beauty is defined by the sheer wonder of the purpose a thing was created for -- and of the Creator Himself. This is why trees are more beautiful than computers, flowers are more beautiful than cell phones, and my dog is more beautiful than your ipod.

Man made things are pretty, but God-made things are beautiful.

This is why you are beautiful. Your soul, the very essence of your being, your purpose, your existence, is simply....delightful. Wonderful.

Beautiful.

Which brings me to my next favorite word:

4. Purpose.
I think I've mentioned my 7th grade teacher a couple times on this blog now, and I really wish I had some way of contacting him so that I could tell him how much his theology class impacted me. He taught me that you will be happy when you fulfill your purpose.

There is something driving, invigorating, wildly fulfilling about the word purpose. To have a purpose is to know that you have worth. Your existence is not meaningless. There is no higher calling than fulfilling the purpose for which you were created.

"I like to imagine that the world is one big machine. You know, machines never have any extra parts. They have the exact number and type of parts they need. So I figure if the entire world is a big machine, I have to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too." -Hugo (::squee!:: another opportunity to quote "The Invention of Hugo Cabret")

We were created for relationships: to love God and to love other people.

But I also think we were created to seek, and to never stop seeking. The funny thing about relationships is that they're ongoing. You don't simply "arrive," and you will never be done. You are always seeking to know a person better, talk to them more, and so on.

Part of our purpose is seeking, climbing, working to discover the truth. I used to think that "purpose" was a goal you were trying to achieve. But now...I think it's more the reason you are trying to achieve it.

Which brings me to...

3. Quest.
I can't mention how much I love this word without mentioning one of my favorite books, "The Tale of Despereaux."

"And what, may I ask, do you intend to do with the thread?" [said the Threadmaster]
"Save the princess." [said Despereaux]
"Ah, yes. The princess...and how, exactly, will you use a spool of thread to save a princess?"
"A rat has taken her and hidden her in the dungeon, so I have to go back to the dungeon, and it is full of twists and turns and hidden chambers. And I have to find her...and I have to lead her back. I...I will use thread."
"I see, I see," he said. "You, my friend, are on a quest."
"I don't know what that is," said Despereaux.
"You don't have to know. You just have to feel compelled to do the thing, the impossible, important task at hand."

A Quest. Impossible. Important.

The wonderful thing about the word "quest" is that not only is it a journey towards an end, but something about it implies that you are not merely on it for the gold at the end. There is more to this journey than simply reaching the finish line. There are discoveries to be made, souls to make friends with, beauty to be found -- all along the way.

When you're climbing a mountain, you're obviously trying to get to the top. But the top is not what it's all about. There's also the journey upwards, the path that you take, the things you discover on the way. That's what a quest is. Learning, discovering, uncovering new and exciting things that continue to press you forward, closer to the top of the mountain, but making everything beautiful along the way.

2. Truth
To be honest, the power of the word "truth" sometimes makes me shudder a little. Truth is not a fairytale, truth is not in my head, it transcends what I feel and what I think and is not subject to anything or anyone. It simply is. It is more than a teaching, more than an idea, more than a topic of discussion.

It reaches beyond the confines of religion and soars above even the limits of Christianity. It baffles our tiny, ant-sized views of reality. Truth does not change because God does not change, and God is truth.

It's something that, once discovered, is unshakeable, unstoppable, and changes your life forever.

And you shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

Bringing me lastly to...
1. Transcendence
I don't know exactly why, but I have always loved the word "transcend."

"To transcend something isn't just to get past it or to move on from something, but it means to completely overcome something in life." -Lindsey Stirling.

Transcend means beyond. It means above, it means throughout. Something that transcends this world is something that is not limited to this world - it is so far beyond this world. It can't be held captive, cannot be defined.

So many things in this life are temporary. They are finite, fluffy little things that only last for a short amount of time. I often look at the futility of it all and wonder why does this matter?

I feel like the answer lies in all of the first 4 words that I listed. Beauty, Purpose, Quest, and Truth.

Part of what I loved about The Hunger Games was that it didn't end happily ever after. The world was still the imperfect, broken world, and injustice would always be there. But it was worth it because of what they were seeking to do. There was a higher cause, a higher truth, a greater purpose. Transcending the brokenness.

Beauty...purpose...truth...they transcend the futility in this life. They go beyond the frustration, disappointment, complacency, anger, and confusion -- to a truth that is beyond myself. A truth that is greater than me.

This...this truth is so far beyond the realms of our world. It is beautiful, it has purpose, because of the God who defines it. Therefore, not only is it beautiful, but it is in this quest for truth and beauty that we find our purpose, that the glory of God can transcend into our tiny world and shatter our lives with his truth.

And now, the inexplicable happiness inside of me for having used my 5 favorite words in a single sentence is kind of overflowing.

Do you have favorite words?

1 down, 33 more to go.

I really haven't been posting much of my own words lately. Either that or it's just a heavy criticism of other people's words. You're probably sick of the fangirl and music posts. And the infrequency.

Sadly, the only excuse I have for this is my own wall of fear (and maybe a touch of college work).

"What if nobody reads it?

"What if they don't understand what I'm trying to say?"

"What if they don't like it?"

...and probably the greatest one:

"What if they disagree, or they hate it, but instead of telling me so, continue their lives in quiet disdain of my own???"

Silly me. Not only have I created (hopefully) imaginary critics in my mind, but I have let those imaginary critics shape me. I'm letting myself be tied down by things that might not even exist.

Yes you, little imaginary reader, (wait, you're not imaginary. What I mean is, your imaginary critical self. Wait, are you critical in real life? This is getting complicated.) have unknowingly shaped my fears as a human being.

I have -- get this -- 33 drafts in my blogger folders. Thirty-three.

Some of them date back to 2010, but most of them are within the past few months...thoughts that I've kept to myself -- partially due to my overkilling perfectionism, but mostly for fear that my own lack of coherency will somehow make you think I must not be a decent person.

What is this...this fear of other people's opinions? I feel as if we all keep our deep dark secrets to ourselves, for fear that nobody else feels the same way...when in reality, we are all keeping the exact same deep dark secret.

I realized the other day what a petty thing it is to live for. Internet acceptance, I mean. Seriously? To incessantly check my email and/or blog in hopes that someone has clicked the "like" button is really just sickening. Why do I care? (I'll write more about that later...actually, I think it's in one of those 33 drafts...ha.)

Who am I to limit myself to the criticism of others? Am I going to let my own preconceived ideas of comments that don't even exist shape my own discovery of truth?

No siree!

So here come a few of those 33 drafts. Some of them are ones I was planning to post anyway and just never got around to it, but the idea is to get the guts to post stuff I'm unsure about.

We'll see how this goes.

"That's what makes it an adventure."

Last week, I went into the library to pick up a book that was on hold.

I was particularly excited about this book, because I had heard good things about it.

To my surprise (and slight dismay, for I have little spare time on my hands) the book was over 4 inches thick.

There's no way I'm going to have time to read this.

But as I let it fall open in my hands, I saw pictures.

Pictures. Hundreds and hundreds of pictures.

YES. The whole book is in PICTURES!!!

It is quite possibly one of the most brilliant books I have read this year.

The writing and storyline themselves are not the most genius: after all my SAT studying I found myself rewording sentences every now and then. But there are a couple very beautiful, very powerful moments in it.

AND THERE'S A MOVIE. Which is...AWESOME. Brilliant, wonderful, beautiful book-to-movie adaptation.



My favorite quote in the entire book is quite possibly the main reason I love this so much.

"Did you ever notice that all machines are made for some reason?" he asked Isabelle.

"They are built to make you laugh, like the [windup] mouse here, or to tell the time, like clocks, or to fill you with wonder, like the automaton. Maybe that's why a broken machine always makes me a little sad, because it isn't able to do what it was meant to do. "

"Maybe it's the same with people," Hugo continued. "If you lose your purpose...it's like you're broken.

"Sometimes I come up here at night...just to look at the city. I like to imagine that the world is one big machine. You know, machines never have any extra parts. They have the exact number and type of parts they need. So I figure if the entire world is a big machine, I have to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too."

I caved.

I got a tumblr.

The let's-avoid-writing-anything-of-deep-significance blog of the modern-day teenage girl who posts too many pictures of vintage outfits.

Okay, so not every tumblr is like that.

Like mine!

Reason: Lately I've been tired of trying to capture the meaning of life in words, instead of actually living it. (to put it the way a friend of mine does) I'll keep blogging, keep writing, but I wanted somewhere that I could expose my fangurl-ness without cluttering up my nice blog, and post quotes and links and pictures of kittens as much as I please without spamming your dashboard.

It's quite nice. However, I'm still a little skeptical about the idea of letting myself fall prey to yet another realm of internet slavery. We'll see if I keep this one up.

ps - If you have a tumblr, you should tell me, so I can stalk you, and we can all continue in our happy cloud of internet stalking and posting about kittens together.

In Memory.

Coherent thought fails me whenever I try to finish writing this post...it's been in my drafts for about a week now, so I'm just going to post it as it is. In memory of a beautiful human soul who is now in the presence of his glorious Savior.

I never knew Josh Eddy, but he's made an impact on my life regardless. My good friend Tianna is engaged to his brother, but aside from the occasional social-network comment, I never met him.

But you only need to read a few of his blog posts to know that he was a kid on fire for God. He was passionate, certain, and lived a vibrant life. The thought, depth, and passion in his writing and his life is evident in almost every way.

I can't claim the kind of friendship that many of my close friends have had, but since his death, my heart aches for his family and friends in a way it has not yet before.

Death is something that has yet to make its way into my life -- yet the passing of Josh Eddy has made me think about it more than ever. It has reminded me how precious and fragile life is. It haunts me to know that it could happen to any of my own siblings or friends -- but I'm starting to realize that I cannot live my life in such fear of it.

Josh certainly didn't. He wrote this post just a month ago.

"If a grenade dropped into the middle of my squad, you better believe that I would drop and wrap that thing in my arms against my chest to save them. Yet somehow I lack the motivation to die to myself daily and live for Christ and others in the small things. To read my Bible and pray: what am I really giving up? Forty five minutes of sleep?"

I want to live a life like Josh did. Not fretting over little things that aren't important, but living, seeking, growing, consistently aiming to know God more.

"To surrender a precious dream is a fearful thing, but to pursue anything but the full measure of the glory of God’s love is a wasted life." -Josh Eddy

To surrender a precious dream. What dreams am I clinging to that are preventing me from living -- truly living?

He lived -- and died -- well.

And that's the beauty of a life lived with purpose. He impacted lives that he never knew, people he'd never met.

Will you be able to say the same? Is my heart sold out on the single goal of knowing my Creator?

Please take the time to look at Josh's blog. His writing is absolutely amazing. Lastly, here are some memorable posts by friends of mine - Alexa (check out this one by her also), Paul, Ariel, Emily, Grace, Tianna. Please keep his family and friends in your prayers.

Josh, I wish I had been able to know you in person. Thank you for living for Christ and setting an example for so many people, including myself, to follow. You have left a legacy that will not quickly be forgotten, and will live on for so many years even though your body does not.

To stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver moon

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

-Orian Mountain Dramer

Passing tests doesn’t begin to compare with searching and inquiring and pursuing topics that engage us and excite us. That’s far more significant than passing tests and, in fact, if that’s the kind of educational career you’re given the opportunity to pursue, you will remember what you discovered. — Noam Chomsky

The power of influence.

Maybe it's just the kind of revelations one has at midnight, but I realized something interesting about the influences of other people today. Perhaps you've already thought of this...but perhaps you haven't.

When I was younger, I always wondered how people could be obsessed with celebrities and clothing styles and actually try to follow it. I didn't understand how people would possibly lower their standards simply because of someone they saw on screen.

But I realized that if you find a celebrity that you really like -- or who has a particularly good sense of style, you find yourself deciding that they really must be decent people in real life. (and perhaps they are.)

Until, there's some photo of them wearing something hideous or doing something stupid, or something that violates a particular standard of modesty that you hold -- and you change your mind.

Or....maybe you don't.

Because when you like a person well enough, strong enough, and if you're not strong yourself, you might just find yourself lowering your own standard so that you can continue liking said celebrity. It's as if some distant part of your psyche convinces you that it's really okay -- because of how much you want to believe they are decent people, not affected at all by the corruptness of hollywood.

I don't want to let media define who I am. I will not be held captive by such petty things. Lately I think I've allowed myself to follow the happy world of showbuzz, but I'm tired of watching their onscreen lives. Time to live my own.

What about you?

Music of the week {Lindsey Stirling}

Oh man I love this girl's music.

Lindsey Stirling is, to put it quite lightly, an absolutely amazing violinist. I love the passion and joy that radiates from her face, and that she's taken an instrument everyone plays and is doing something new and amazing with it.

Let's start out with the most epic one....



Next, I think this one is definitely my favorite. "Transcend" is one of my favorite words, and I love love love the message behind this song. Watch the behind the scenes afterwards -- she has some really good things to say.



Lastly, this one makes me want to run off and live in New Zealand and learn to sail a boat and climb trees and dance in a field of wildflowers and spin and spin and soak up the fresh, glorious, beautiful air and love and play music and shout to the whole world how beautiful life is.



Check out more of her amazing videos HERE. Ahhhh! Makes me want to play violin.

I give into the fandom.

Oh snap, is this my 4th Hunger Games post in a row? I told you you'd be sick of it at some point.

Actually, the real reason behind the excessive Hunger Games fandom (besides the fact that it's amazing) is that I have been evading deep thinking lately, and so as a result, have allowed my brain to default to the easiest, most brain-free topic there is, which right now, would be the Hunger Games.

Not that it's a brainless, pointless series, but it's the kind of thing you don't need a lot of brain in order to process. If that makes any sense. Nothing like Shakespeare or Lewis or the Apostle Paul or anything, is what I mean.

Anyhow, I typically pride myself in not being obsessed with what everyone else is. I don't like screaming fangirls. I am not one of them. But this series was...absolutely amazing. So here we go.

!!!WARNING: if you have not read the books, PLEASE, for the love of reading a good novel, don't read this post!!! Perhaps, some other time, I will write a Hunger Games post specifically for those of you who have not read it, so as to use my persuasive skills as to convince you to do so.

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...there now. For those of you who are left...

First of all, I absolutely loved every minute of the Hunger Games trilogy. I don't really understand how people can "like the third book but not the second book" or something like that, because they all tell one story. You can't simply "like" one and not like the other. It only took me a timespan of....3 days to read all 3 books. It's been a painstakingly long time since I allowed myself to be completely lost in an alternate reality, and it felt really good to just curl up in a corner for hours.

Secondly, as far as I know, I am basically the only human being on the planet who is "Team Gale."

Yes, I'm sorry all you Peeta-lovers out there...I was rooting for Gale. After a long discussion with a friend on the matter, I have finally come to like Peeta quite well.

However, I just...really really hate perfect characters. Peeta literally has no character flaws whatsoever, and if that wasn't enough, he has like this unconditional love for a girl who deliberately shoves him around and loves someone else for a time. Even when he goes crazy, he's the one who's strong, he's the one who fights through it -- and it's not like it was his fault anyway.

I guess I'm just too firmly devoted to platonic love, and despite the fact that Gale only loved Katniss for 6 months, I feel like it was one of those moments where you just suddenly realize how much you love someone even though you've known them for forever. You know -- real lovers start out as real friends -- that kind of thing.

During the whole first book, I didn't get excited when Peeta and Katniss were kissing, but more of this achey sort of knot in the pit of my stomach for Gale as I imagined how awful it must have been from his perspective.

Given the amount of time that Suzanne Collins spent describing Peeta and the amount of time she didn't spend on Gale, I probably should have guessed Katniss would end up with him. But I'm just not that perceptive when it comes to reading books....

Anyways -- so despite how much I do really love Peeta now, part of me still roots for Gale somehow. He had this bond with Katniss that Peeta just didn't have. That best-friend love is something I will always fight hard for.

Thirdly, the whole series left me rather uneasy. I wanted just a few more sentences to know how Gale was getting on, whether there really was peace throughout Panem, whether the districts still existed to feed the capitol, if the capitol was a tyrannical terror to everyone, who mines coal now that District 12 makes medicine, and what in the world does District 13 do now? What type of government did they run, and was District 11 still a miserable place to live? Was everything still rural and run down or was it all modernized to be more like the Capitol and District 13? But perhaps that's the way Suzanne Collins intended it to be.

I was angry that Katniss was one of the ones who voted to have a final Hunger Games with the capitol's children. Seriously, I know she was losing her mind at that point, but had she really entirely forgotten why she was fighting this battle in the first place?

However, I do admit that it was entirely within her character, especially given that Prim had died. But I was annoyed that Katniss' love for everyone else was hinged on her love for Prim.

It actually reminded me a lot of Orual from Till We Have Faces -- in that her only reason for living was because of this overpowering love for Psyche. I guess I was just disappointed that Katniss' love for Gale was so thin that it would fade entirely, leaving nothing behind, with the mere prospect that his bomb could have been responsible for Prim's death.

Also, I didn't feel like Gale was so shallow as to simply move onto another district and probably be "kissing some other woman" so quickly. I won't sink his character so low that he would simply "move on" and forget Katniss like that. It was like Suzanne Collins had to get rid of him real quick so Katniss could be with Peeta, and that was the easiest way to do it.

However, I was very pleased that it didn't end "happily ever after." Despite how uneasy it made me feel, I was so glad that it wasn't a typical book. So many books end with this happy, all-is-right-with-the-world....but in reality, that's not the way it is. So maybe that uneasiness was intentional -- because that's the way it is in the world.

So yes -- I really liked the accurate picture it gave of the human condition and the whole political system in general -- that is: corrupt. That really, sometimes the only thing you can do in this life is not to let these things control or define you. It's never going to all work out in the world.

All in all, I think it definitely goes on my list of favorite fictional books. Even though it gave me this sense of despair at the prospect of the futility of the world in general...at the same time there's a renewed sense that fighting, even if nothing ever ends happily ever after...is worth it because of the people that you love.

So...fellow nerds? What have you to say? I long to hear your thoughts.