It hurts like heaven.

My brother writes beautiful things.

Everything you need.

The Valentine's Day ads on the radio lately are pretty funny. The other day, I heard one for Safeway (or was it Albertson's?) ad that said, "We'll provide everything you need to say "I love you."

And it sort of made me laugh inside, because -- really, who needs anything to say "I love you?"

I love you is not chocolate.

I love you is not gifts.

I love you is not something you can buy.

I love you is not even words.

I love you is action.

I love you is something you do.

Even though I laughed about their ad campaign, I think sometimes I'm a little guilty of this thinking myself. See, I'm someone who likes to buy things for people. I really do. Especially since I've started teaching piano, there's a lot more of that green stuff floating around to do it with. (please tell me you know what I mean: little girl who has $25, maybe $50 from Chinese New Year to last for the entire year, parents have to pay for everybody's presents...)

What I think I forgot about was that buying things for people and giving them things -- while yes, it's a way to show that you love people -- is not the best way to do it.

The most valuable thing I can give is my time. Myself. My energy, my attention, and my care.

And when you look at 1 Corinthians 13, that's really what "I love you" truly means --

Love is patient. Love is kind.
Love does not envy. Love does not boast.

It is not proud. It is not rude.
It does not seek it's own. Is not provoked, thinks no evil.

Love does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth.

Bears all things. Believes all things. Hopes all things. Endures all things.

And that truly is everything that you will ever need to say "I love you."

No fear. No retreat.

I can't even begin to describe how amazing this song is, and how much it has impacted me in the last....20 hours that I've known it's existence?



To give unselfishly
to serve the least of these
Jesus I'm learning how to live with open hands
All these treasures that I own
will never satisfy my soul
Jesus I lay them at your throne with open hands

I hold onto so much in this life - but it will never, ever fully satisfy me. Earth has nothing I desire but Christ. [Ps. 73:25]

I lift my hands open wide
let the whole world see
how you love, how you died, how you set me free
free at last, I surrender all I am with open hands, with open hands

God is slowly teaching me that I have absolutely no value outside of who I am in Him. I have no reason for existing besides to glorify Him. Nothing - and I mean absolutely nothing is worth doing if it's not to show what Christ has done for me.

I was reading in my devotional the other day, and it was talking about how, when we're in love with someone - we go pretty out of our way to show it. We buy them things, spend time with them, do things for them. And we talk about them to like, everyone. But do we show that same love to God? Are we so in love with Him that we can't stop talking, thinking, and ordering every aspect of our life to Him?

To finally let go of my plans
these earthly kingdoms built of sand
Jesus at your cross I stand with open hands

Let go of my plans. GAH. Why is that so hard?

You took the nails, You bore the crown
You hung your head, Your love poured out
You took my place, You paid the price
so Jesus now I will give my life

Jesus, I give you my life. Do you know that means my life?! Like, all of it? Like, every single aspect, nitpicky detail of it? From what I eat to where I live to how I live to the thoughts I think?

Francis Chan, the author of the book Crazy Love, recently preached this sermon - his last at this church - and it is so, so powerful.

"There are no cowards in heaven"



Forsaking all. Abandoning all. Giving up everything, surrendering it all for the one who can fill me completely: Christ.

He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. ~Jim Elliot

Mister 9-year Old!

Yesterday, my baby brother turned NINE years old! I honestly can't believe things have gone by that quickly. One of my friends was guessing that he was turning 5 or 6 (she hadn't seen him in awhile. :P) It's insane how much that little guy has grown.

Here are some pictures from birth until now. Sorry for so many...

So excited for a new little brother!

This just says "CUTE!" all over it.

I do believe we have a picture of every single one of us kids with some sort of kitchen item on our heads!

Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. (Ecc. 4:12)

He used to think that smiling was showing your teeth. So every time we told him to smile, he did this:

He was very fond of this toy refrigerator....

Beautiful baby smile!

First thing I see in my mind is "King Pellinore" =]

Teach 'em young...

There is something about being a Dokupil and climbing on top of things.

TWO years old!! (He was a bit scared until we got over with the cake. :P)


He was literally in love with this dog. He got her in Singapore. Her name is Sassy. :P
Like I said...

Homeschool "school" picture. :P

He did gymnastics once upon a time. He was good, too.



So, you ever seen the movie "The Rookie"? We were imitating his...uh. Dramatic pitches. :P

Aghk! Getting so big! (yeah, okay, I'm being an annoying gramma type person. Get over it. :P)

Best Buds. =]

I must have missed a window of time for taking pictures. Because there's a big time gap between this one and the last one...

Book 1 Violin recital!





Ice Skating for the first time!



I'm so proud of this kid.

He has such a big heart - and the sweetest one at that too.


Such a handsome guy.

With an awesome smile and a cheerful personality.

And now he is NINE years old. Gosh. I remember when I turned nine...

I LOVE you John-Luke! Happy Birthday.

(Don't) Look Back and Wonder...

There's 3 sides to "bittersweet", you know. There's "bittersweet", "bittersweet", and then just "bittersweet". Today was "bittersweet". The sort of tears you cry not because you're angry, not because you're sad, not because you're happy....just a sharp sort of throb in your heart where people used to be. It's like when you see someone and you're overjoyed to see them but it makes you realize how much you miss them and you can't seem to get enough of their company before you have to leave them again.

I need to make a list of all the precious few, absolutely FABULOUS days I have.

Today, I saw a bunch of my amazing good friends I haven't seen in a long time, got more hugs than I've had since I left church, and probably cried more than I have in the past month. I also got to talk to my big sister on the phone and do some catching up with another good friend I haven't seen in a year.

I saw so, so many people today that I miss a lot. But it was still a good day. A bittersweet day.

Live Fully, Laugh Often, Love Always

Crazy Jesus People

I was thinking about the word "Jesus" last night. Isn't it sad how much that word is thrown around?

"Jesus freaks!"
"Jesus is a crutch"
"Jesus, Mama, are you sure you want to do that?"
"I don't like that Jesus thing"
"She's one of those Jesus people"

It means something different to different people - and some people take it as offensive.

You people who are still doing awana quizzing (or still remember it) can tell me the reference in the Bible that talks about how the Gospel is foolishness to the Gentiles and a stumbling block for the Jews. (or was it the other way around?)

At any rate, unsaved people don't know the depth to the word "Jesus". But as Christians, think how much we can pull from that one word. Think how much meaning there is in that single word - "Jesus".

He is our refuge, our strength, our redeemer, comforter, friend, brother, GOD, Lord, master, savior, and everything else. Our ALL. Every part of us depends on Him (or should) and our life comes only through Him.

Will I Love You?

One of my friends recently got me into Robert Pierre's music. He's a Christian artist, and he's 17 years old. I think he made his first album when he was 15 or 16. He sounds like Chris Tomlin, except better. (in my opinion :P)

I was listening to "I will love you" a few minutes ago, and a particular line made me think....



I'll live a life that says//You give me every song
With my every breath//I'll make Your mercy known
With every soul on earth//or all alone
I will love You//I will love You.

It's easy to say we'll worship God with all the other Christians. But if No One on earth was a Christian - would you still love God? Okay, so realistically that probably won't happen. But there are real situations in life where I'm the only Christian in a group, or the only one who holds a certain view. Do I still live my life to show that Jesus gives me my song, my breath, my life?

Not only that, but do I really love God? With everything in me, striving to put Him first?

The more I realize the fallen-ness of myself, of the world, the more I stand in awe of God's grace and love. And the least I can do is return what human love I have as a living sacrifice for Him - whether with every soul on earth, or all alone.

Endless Emotions

Awhile ago, I wrote something along these lines in my facebook status: (although it was much shorter than this to accommodate facebook's word limit)

Chopin's thought process while writing his prelude in C♯ minor:

"I think I'll write a random prelude. Let's give it 4 sharps...and make it in C♯ minor."

::poses thoughtfully::

"I'll make a gorgeous melody, quite simple, for the first page. But then, I think I'll take ALL those notes and turn them into FLATS! Yes!"

::rubs hands together gleefully::

"Next, I think I'll write it so that the pedaling is so intricately delicate that students will get foot cramps trying to do it right"

::scribbles notes madly::

"Oooh! I have an idea. Let's put in a cadenza at the end. A *chromatic* one."

::the scheme deepens::

"Not only that, but why don't we make it be chromatic in FOUR DIFFERENT PATTERNS!"

::triumphantly publishes music, only to have it become a rarely played piece, left alone as the only piece in Op. 45::

As you can probably see, the learning process of this piece has not exactly been pleasant.

But if you look beyond that - the world of classical music is so intricately deep, with things you never imagined weaved into a single note.

I just finished up 2.5 hours of piano practice, with about 1 hour of that consisting of Chopin. But today was not a day of tedious chromatic scales and foot-cramping pedal patterns - today was a day of discovery.

Previously, my teacher asked me what I thought of when I thought of this piece. She wanted a story for me to think of.

I told her that it wasn't the type of piece that could be expressed with something material. It was an emotion, a color....anything but something you could touch or see or express in concrete terms.

So, taking the situation I was currently in, I played it with the kind of emotion that comes from pain, from something lost, from something you so desperately need.

Today I discovered that it's not that kind of a piece - at all.

I like to call a piece of joyful serenity made perfect with pain and sweetened with God's grace, blessings, and love.

It's the joy you find in the midst of the pain.
The peace you find to accept what you have lost.
The grace God gives you to give up what you know you cannot keep.
The blessings He lavishes upon you to show you His everlasting, eternal, all-encompassing love.

It's not bittersweet, because it's not both at once. It's not just plain happiness, because there is pain in there.

You've probably heard that it's the darkness that makes the light beautiful. It's the pain that makes the healing wonderful.

This piece is a full, deep, meaningful joy that you won't experience fully unless you have endured the pain beforehand.

Doesn't the depth of music that God has created excite you? Does it not leave you in awe and wonder of our Father in heaven?

There are so many different feelings you can pull out of this piece, and that's why I love it.

Love...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

PS - I wish I had a decent recording to give you, but I don't. I will be recording all my pieces at some point though, so eventually I will be able to share it with you.

The hurt before the healing

If you can't tell, I've been discovering a lot of great, great music lately. Really, really good songs. It's a good thing I got itunes money for Christmas. :)

Instead of posting the video, I want to post the lyrics to this song - it's called "before the morning" by Josh Wilson. The most important parts are pretty obvious. =]

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel things that hurt you?
If there's a God who loves you,
Where is He now?
Or maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday, somehow, you'll see.
You'll see.

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming
So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on, and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
Is just the dark before the morning

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade into memory

Come on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on, and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
Is just the hurt before the healing
Oh, the pain that you've been feeling
Is just the dark before the morning

Yesterday, on the forum I administrate (Aslan's Country), we held our first Bible study with our moderators. We studied "Being a Christian in a world of sin", which, as I've realized, encapsulated my whole awana Mainstudy in one sentence. The whole thing is Paul exhorting the Corinthians to be different in a world of sin around them.

I could start reciting all I know about Corinth, Paul, and the book of 1st Corinthians from my quiz study, but I'll spare you the details :P

Back to our study today - it was on Romans 8:18-25. I wasn't going to post the whole thing, but it's so good...so please don't be daunted by it's length. Read it. :)

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope; because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.

Or maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday, somehow, you'll see.

Hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what we sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.

Isn't that just amazing? I love that word - hope. I was thinking last night that I should name my girls (assuming I have any) Faith, Hope, and Charity. But anyway.

We also talked at the young ladies' Bible study I was at on Thursday night about living in light of eternity, from Philippians 1. (amazing how God ties everything in your life together all at once, isn't it?)

God has so, so, so much in store for us! ...the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God!

Any pain we are in right now, pain of the world around us, anything God has thrown at us is to bring glory to Himself, to draw us closer to Him. And just think how glorious it will be in Heaven, when the morning comes. We can't see it now and there's no way that we can. But if we press on, persevere, keep hoping, there will be joy in the morning. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning! (Psalm 30:5)

And, because I just love all these verse that are coming to mind,

Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for sowing, will doubtless (there's that hope again!!) come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him. (Psalm 126:5-6)

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the scripture and the song. :) Kudos to you for reading the long post!

Keep hoping,
Dark comes before morning,
Hurt comes before healing.

Love

One afternoon during Omnibus [history/literature/theology class], when I was in 7th grade at DMCA, Mr. Purcell asked us what the opposite of love was.

Of course, we all answered "hate" – which, much to the surprise of our 7th grade minds, was incorrect.

Pride. The answer is pride. This took awhile for me to reason through, at first. But I understood it more as I thought about it, and as God has been teaching me through 1 Corinthians 13, and other passages, I understand it even more.

Pride is not just stuck up people. Pride is wanting the glory for yourself. And by "glory", I don't mean "worship", or "regal honor" like some people see the word glory.

We see these huge contrasts in Christian movies, books, and devotional stories. There’s the obvious “sinner” who says, word-for-word “I want to WIN. I want to be in the center of attention!” And so we think “That’s what I’m not supposed to be like. Okay, easy. I don’t do that. No pride? check.”

And, we basically write ourselves off as pretty good Christians who do the right things.

But there are so many little things. Pride is anything that puts you before something else. It’s what satisfies your wants and desires. If you are putting anything that makes you feel comfortable, happy, and satisfied when there are things you could be doing for others and for God, that’s pride.

No, I don’t mean things like eating, sleeping, taking medicine to make pain go away, etc. I mean things like, reading a book instead of doing homework. Doing things you want to do instead of what you should do. That’s pride. Because you’re putting your wants first.

Love, on the other hand, is selfless. It thinks only of God and of others. It reaches beyond any emotion, or even the selfless love of friends for each other. It is selfless to everything.

1 Corinthians is screaming that in every verse.

Verses 1-3: No matter what kind of possession, ability, or anything that we have – if we’re not selflessly using it for God, if we’re using it to satisfy ourselves, to make us feel good – we’re Nothing. [and what makes us do it for ourselves? Pride.]

Verses 4-7: If you look at each one of these words [suffering long, kindness, not envying, etc], each of them requires you to put someone besides yourself first. ANY need/want/desire that you have…it doesn’t come first. You have to forget that.

Verses 8-13: If you have your focus on anything else, you will fail - because those things will pass away. But Love Never Fails.

I know if I write out each verse and talk about it, you'll quit reading, as this post is already rather long. But I encourage you to go read 1 Corinthians 13, and see what God teaches you. It's amazing.

PS - if I what I'm saying isn't right or something, please tell me. =)