l'éléphant

I was in the car with my mom, listening to the radio....and this speaker was talking about the sculpting of a famous statue. It reminded me of this one joke...

"How do you carve an elephant out of marble?"
"Well, you get a block of marble, and you start chipping away at everything that doesn't look like an elephant"

::tehe::

(image from amazon.com)

But the speaker was talking about how God is the sculptor, chipping away at us.

And I got to thinking. As God is carving me, am I letting Him chip away at everything that "doesn't look like an elephant"?

Jesus says "Be holy, as I am holy". We are to reflect Christ - but are we letting God purge us of the things that don't reflect Him, so that when the work is finished, all you will see is Christ?

Brother Lawrence, in The Practice of the Presence of God (amazing book) says (on attaining spiritual fulfillment)

To accomplish this, it is necessary for the heart to be emptied of everything that would offend God. He wants to possess our hearts completely. Before any work can be done in our souls, God must be totally in control...we need to abandon everything that isn't of God. Doesn't He deserve this and much more?

Like I was talking about in this post...there are so many things that take captive of our hearts instead of God.

What does your elephant look like so far? I don't know about you, but mine still has a lot of lumps of non-elephant-looking marble...

Breaking My Heart

I saw the title of this song (by Robert Pierre) and I thought "Oh, great, a love song."

But that's far from what it is.



It's the joy...the choice to rejoice in heartbreak. God isn't breaking our heart like people do. He's molding us into the person He wants us to be, taking away the things we cling to so we can cling to Him instead the things of the world. It hurts. Oh, it hurts, so, so much. But it's beautiful - in such a painful way. It's...bittersweet.

You're breaking my heart - a little more every day.

There's little things that keep popping up in my life...sometimes bigger, sometimes smaller.

Knowing you don't belong there like you used to.
Seeing someone talk to someone else you really miss - who won't talk to you.
Little random, stupid memories that pop up in the most vivid pictures.
Watching two best friends together.
Not understanding how this could ever work out for the better.

Yet...there's this joy in knowing that there is something. Jesus is breaking my heart, He's pruning me to bear fruit for His glory. And it's so awfully painful but it's also so beautifully joyful. Because God doesn't just tear you away and then dump you. There are always joys in life, always beautiful, precious things to delight in - and He has blessed me not only with a few of those, but with some of the most amazing people to share it with me.

A dear friend of mine encouraged me the other night that sometimes seeds are planted when a huge fire or tornado comes in and carries them far away.

But I want you to know, brethren, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel...(Phil. 1:12)

I love how you are....breaking my heart. A little more, each day.

Now a Memory....

...Thus was the course of my Monday-through-Friday-until-around-6:30-ish

Like I said last time I posted about the tournament - it was going great. I was looking forward to Friday and Saturday.

Friday evening, shortly after they had just announced that speech breaks would not be until Saturday morning (::grumble::), we were informed that the Chinese-style shirt I had worn for my Chinese speech (Illustrated Oratory - IO) was being thought of as a costume. We spent the next 2+ hours trying to convince them otherwise.

Their "concern" was that I had made a mental connection between the shirt and my speech, and that they couldn't have me "enhancing my speech that way". They also said that it would be an unfair advantage to other students. We tried to tell them I had worn it to previous qualifying tournaments and no one said anything, that I had worn it for my completely UN-Chinese DI (Dramatic Interpretation) and duo. But they were pretty much unshakable.

Slowly, with each passing question, they beat my dream of ever making it to nationals this year to the ground.

Have you ever worked for a long, long time for something you really wanted, only to find disappointment? I have never, ever in my life have a goal I was so motivated to work towards.

You think I was obsessed when it came to Bible quiz meets? To piano competitions? The Bible bee, even? I've never been obsessed with winning, so much as the process. Perhaps it's because I'm used to coming in 2nd all the time. But for some reason, I've never placed 1st in something huge (Awana Grand Prix does NOT count), but I've never been that upset over it. I'm content with 2nd, or 3rd - so long as everything was played fairly and there wasn't some sort of emotional battle going on (like games and quiz this year) while doing it.

But that's because I've never aimed for 1st. I've always felt that someone else would be there, so I'll just aim for 2nd place. You know what I did this time?

I aimed for 1st. I told myself what my friend has told himself for his competitions. I'm going to win this. I am going to make it to nationals. While I know I didn't put as much work as I could have (all that last minute stuff, you know....), I really put a lot of myself into it.

You know me. I love obsessing over things, being a perfectionist, and doing everything just right. I throw myself into something I love. And I haven't had anything this year to do that with.

But Tuesday night before the tournament, I realized that I didn't deserve to win. I didn't deserve to qualify for nationals. I had continually put things off until this last minute, why should God just let me qualify to a national tournament like that?

But oh, I had such high hopes. So I told God that this was His tournament. I told Him I wanted more than anything in the world to qualify for nationals, but if He didn't want me to, then I would still rejoice - whatever was His will.

I think He took me up on it - although I sure didn't think it would happen this way.

About a third of the way through that conversation, we had to pause because they had to go announce debate breaks. So I went into the bathroom, dried my eyes, and told God this was for Him...over, and over, and over again. Then I told myself I was fabulous, that everything was fabulous, and went back into the room and recited 1 Corinthians 13 three times through to myself before they came back.

And then they did. My brain kept spinning, they kept questioning me, repeating over and over again that I had admitted to making a connection between a Chinese shirt and a Chinese speech and therefore had violated the rule......

I understood their intentions. I understood their reasoning. I understood, and they knew it. But no amount of our position could persuade them otherwise.

But through the tears, some kind of peace kept pushing. My heart kept crying out that God had a plan, He had a reason. He was still sovereign, still good.

It could have been the sheer injustice of it all. But by the time I arrived Saturday morning, my entire club knew - and it was oh, such a beautiful blessing to be surrounded by people I loved and who loved me. By the end of the day, it felt like half the competitors were on my side.

After the tournament, they (the board of directors/interrogators) told me I would have broken to semis. (we asked for this information) I knew that was the case. I know I would have broken to finals, and I'm convinced I would have qualified for nationals.

But something in me kept saying, "look at all the ways God has blessed you. You aren't going to nationals, but look what else you have."

• I qualified to regionals. Most novices aren't expected to get that far.
  
• Regionals was in WA. Normally it's somewhere else, like Colorado. That's far.
  
• If that wasn't enough: Regionals was 2 minutes from my house. A 15 minute walk. Closer than any of the qualifying tournaments.
  
• The only event I never broke in was impromptu (my DI, IO, and duo all qualified for Regionals)
• Alright, alright, it is my first year. (but I set high goals for myself, first year or not)
  
• My IO placed 2nd and 3rd in qualifiers
• God provided the means for me to compete in 3 qualifiers, one of which was out of state
• Our duo broke to semis at regionals - something I was not expecting
  
• My friends, Oh, Heavenly Father, my friends are such a blessing.

The worship that morning was somehow geared exactly towards everything that had happened. I left the tournament knowing that God had a reason, a plan, and a purpose - regardless of how much it hurt - even if I never went to nationals.

This is a poem that Gray wrote awhile back, which she shared with me after the tournament:

Lord, I come with humbled heart,
My pride has left my eyes.
I come a child, full of trust,
I leave behind all ties.
I come a child, unconcerned
With things too great for me,
I come a child, longing just
To sit here, at your knee.
With quiet soul, and patient heart,
I put my hope in you.
I give my heart! I give my soul!
I’m yours, Lord, through and through!

Verse Of The Day

For it is God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.

We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed--always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.

For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus' sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

So then death is working in us, but life in you...Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. -2 Corinthians 4:5-12, 16-18

The hurt before the healing

If you can't tell, I've been discovering a lot of great, great music lately. Really, really good songs. It's a good thing I got itunes money for Christmas. :)

Instead of posting the video, I want to post the lyrics to this song - it's called "before the morning" by Josh Wilson. The most important parts are pretty obvious. =]

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel things that hurt you?
If there's a God who loves you,
Where is He now?
Or maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday, somehow, you'll see.
You'll see.

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming
So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on, and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
Is just the dark before the morning

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade into memory

Come on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on, and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
Is just the hurt before the healing
Oh, the pain that you've been feeling
Is just the dark before the morning

Yesterday, on the forum I administrate (Aslan's Country), we held our first Bible study with our moderators. We studied "Being a Christian in a world of sin", which, as I've realized, encapsulated my whole awana Mainstudy in one sentence. The whole thing is Paul exhorting the Corinthians to be different in a world of sin around them.

I could start reciting all I know about Corinth, Paul, and the book of 1st Corinthians from my quiz study, but I'll spare you the details :P

Back to our study today - it was on Romans 8:18-25. I wasn't going to post the whole thing, but it's so good...so please don't be daunted by it's length. Read it. :)

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope; because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.

Or maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday, somehow, you'll see.

Hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what we sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.

Isn't that just amazing? I love that word - hope. I was thinking last night that I should name my girls (assuming I have any) Faith, Hope, and Charity. But anyway.

We also talked at the young ladies' Bible study I was at on Thursday night about living in light of eternity, from Philippians 1. (amazing how God ties everything in your life together all at once, isn't it?)

God has so, so, so much in store for us! ...the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God!

Any pain we are in right now, pain of the world around us, anything God has thrown at us is to bring glory to Himself, to draw us closer to Him. And just think how glorious it will be in Heaven, when the morning comes. We can't see it now and there's no way that we can. But if we press on, persevere, keep hoping, there will be joy in the morning. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning! (Psalm 30:5)

And, because I just love all these verse that are coming to mind,

Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for sowing, will doubtless (there's that hope again!!) come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him. (Psalm 126:5-6)

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the scripture and the song. :) Kudos to you for reading the long post!

Keep hoping,
Dark comes before morning,
Hurt comes before healing.

Excerpts from my devotional....

I've been reading "My Utmost for His Highest" as my devotional this year, and it's been really, really good, so I thought I'd share a few quotes from today's reading. Actually, if you're one of those people who likes to look things up, it's really November 10th's reading, I'm a bit behind. :P

If you seek great things for yourself, thinking, "God has called me for this and for that," you barricade God from using you. As long as you maintain your own personal interests and ambitions, you cannot be completely aligned or identified with God's interests. This can only be accomplished by giving up all of your personal plans once and for all, and by allowing God to take you directly into His purpose for the world. You understanding of your ways must also be surrendered, because they are now the ways of the Lord.

...I should never say, "Lord, this causes me such heartache." To talk that way makes me a stumbling block. When I stop telling God what I want, He can freely work Hims will in me without any hindrance. He can crush me, exalt me, or do anything else He chooses. He simply asks me to have absolute faith in Him and His goodness. Self-pity is of the devil, and if I wallow in it I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world

~Oswald Chambers

Jesus, bring the rain

My eyes have never been so dry from crying all the moisture out. Plus one eye is considerably worse than the other, or else has something wrong with it, resulting in a very skewed view of the computer screen.

It's 11:00. Normally that wouldn't feel that late, unless you got up at 6:00am, spent all day at an awana conference that wore you down emotionally, convicted you spiritually, and tired you out physically...not to mention eating sawdust cookies and sitting through classes about New Age something you have no idea about.

But I did go to this one very encouraging workshop today, called, ironically "being an encourager in a discouraging world" The thing that stuck out to me was this song they shared by MercyMe called "bring the rain"



When...when everyone else isn't there, when everyone you need to see, need to talk to, need a hug from isn't there...God is there. With this quiet, still voice He reminds you that He is the only friend you'll really ever need. God doesn't go off to college or can't be friends with you for awhile. He doesn't go to a different church, or have other friends He needs to talk to when you need it. When you're alone, lost, and in tears...God really, really does have this gigantic, huge, amazing plan for you life. He's using everything in some miraculous way so that you will be closer to Him...and that He will be glorified.

WHY is it so hard to remember that sometimes? Why do we always seem to fail at setting our minds on things above, not on things on the earth?

For we died, and our life is hidden with Christ in God! (Colossians 3:1-3)

We have this need for something we can feel, that we can touch, people we can relate to and sense with our 5 senses. God is so much more fulfilling...when will I learn that? Can we get to a place where we really understand that?

Life is so complicated. I'm so glad I'm not in charge of it. I really don't understand why so many people think power is such a great thing. But then again, maybe they have life a little more figured out than I do. =P

Going to be gone...

So, I'm going to be off the computer for a week.

The reason is...God's been teaching me a lot lately, one of them is that I keep telling Him I'm going to spend more time with Him, do my schoolwork, not get on the computer, etc, and I don't.

And I've been doing that for like...2 years? It's pretty bad. And God's sort of convicted me that it needs to stop. Because I've been "stopping" for 2 years. :-/

Last night we watched Flywheel - by the same people who made Facing the Giants and Fireproof. As cheesy as some of it was - the quality wasn't all that great - it was sort of convicting. And I realized that if I was going to change anything at all in my life it wasn't going to to happen by getting up in the morning and saying "okay, God, I'm gonna be different today!" It's taking steps forward to literally change things. And God keeps telling me to change the time I spend on the computer - even though I really, really, really don't want to. =P

So...I'm locking my computer up for a week. I would really appreciate prayer right now, that I'll get my priorities straight and not give into the temptation I know Satan is going to put out there.

See you all in a week! :)

~Hannah

More things God is teaching me

Listen to these two songs. They are amazing. I've been listening to them on repeat all week....

[sorry the player doesn't fit - it still works :) ]