Now a Memory....

...Thus was the course of my Monday-through-Friday-until-around-6:30-ish

Like I said last time I posted about the tournament - it was going great. I was looking forward to Friday and Saturday.

Friday evening, shortly after they had just announced that speech breaks would not be until Saturday morning (::grumble::), we were informed that the Chinese-style shirt I had worn for my Chinese speech (Illustrated Oratory - IO) was being thought of as a costume. We spent the next 2+ hours trying to convince them otherwise.

Their "concern" was that I had made a mental connection between the shirt and my speech, and that they couldn't have me "enhancing my speech that way". They also said that it would be an unfair advantage to other students. We tried to tell them I had worn it to previous qualifying tournaments and no one said anything, that I had worn it for my completely UN-Chinese DI (Dramatic Interpretation) and duo. But they were pretty much unshakable.

Slowly, with each passing question, they beat my dream of ever making it to nationals this year to the ground.

Have you ever worked for a long, long time for something you really wanted, only to find disappointment? I have never, ever in my life have a goal I was so motivated to work towards.

You think I was obsessed when it came to Bible quiz meets? To piano competitions? The Bible bee, even? I've never been obsessed with winning, so much as the process. Perhaps it's because I'm used to coming in 2nd all the time. But for some reason, I've never placed 1st in something huge (Awana Grand Prix does NOT count), but I've never been that upset over it. I'm content with 2nd, or 3rd - so long as everything was played fairly and there wasn't some sort of emotional battle going on (like games and quiz this year) while doing it.

But that's because I've never aimed for 1st. I've always felt that someone else would be there, so I'll just aim for 2nd place. You know what I did this time?

I aimed for 1st. I told myself what my friend has told himself for his competitions. I'm going to win this. I am going to make it to nationals. While I know I didn't put as much work as I could have (all that last minute stuff, you know....), I really put a lot of myself into it.

You know me. I love obsessing over things, being a perfectionist, and doing everything just right. I throw myself into something I love. And I haven't had anything this year to do that with.

But Tuesday night before the tournament, I realized that I didn't deserve to win. I didn't deserve to qualify for nationals. I had continually put things off until this last minute, why should God just let me qualify to a national tournament like that?

But oh, I had such high hopes. So I told God that this was His tournament. I told Him I wanted more than anything in the world to qualify for nationals, but if He didn't want me to, then I would still rejoice - whatever was His will.

I think He took me up on it - although I sure didn't think it would happen this way.

About a third of the way through that conversation, we had to pause because they had to go announce debate breaks. So I went into the bathroom, dried my eyes, and told God this was for Him...over, and over, and over again. Then I told myself I was fabulous, that everything was fabulous, and went back into the room and recited 1 Corinthians 13 three times through to myself before they came back.

And then they did. My brain kept spinning, they kept questioning me, repeating over and over again that I had admitted to making a connection between a Chinese shirt and a Chinese speech and therefore had violated the rule......

I understood their intentions. I understood their reasoning. I understood, and they knew it. But no amount of our position could persuade them otherwise.

But through the tears, some kind of peace kept pushing. My heart kept crying out that God had a plan, He had a reason. He was still sovereign, still good.

It could have been the sheer injustice of it all. But by the time I arrived Saturday morning, my entire club knew - and it was oh, such a beautiful blessing to be surrounded by people I loved and who loved me. By the end of the day, it felt like half the competitors were on my side.

After the tournament, they (the board of directors/interrogators) told me I would have broken to semis. (we asked for this information) I knew that was the case. I know I would have broken to finals, and I'm convinced I would have qualified for nationals.

But something in me kept saying, "look at all the ways God has blessed you. You aren't going to nationals, but look what else you have."

• I qualified to regionals. Most novices aren't expected to get that far.
  
• Regionals was in WA. Normally it's somewhere else, like Colorado. That's far.
  
• If that wasn't enough: Regionals was 2 minutes from my house. A 15 minute walk. Closer than any of the qualifying tournaments.
  
• The only event I never broke in was impromptu (my DI, IO, and duo all qualified for Regionals)
• Alright, alright, it is my first year. (but I set high goals for myself, first year or not)
  
• My IO placed 2nd and 3rd in qualifiers
• God provided the means for me to compete in 3 qualifiers, one of which was out of state
• Our duo broke to semis at regionals - something I was not expecting
  
• My friends, Oh, Heavenly Father, my friends are such a blessing.

The worship that morning was somehow geared exactly towards everything that had happened. I left the tournament knowing that God had a reason, a plan, and a purpose - regardless of how much it hurt - even if I never went to nationals.

This is a poem that Gray wrote awhile back, which she shared with me after the tournament:

Lord, I come with humbled heart,
My pride has left my eyes.
I come a child, full of trust,
I leave behind all ties.
I come a child, unconcerned
With things too great for me,
I come a child, longing just
To sit here, at your knee.
With quiet soul, and patient heart,
I put my hope in you.
I give my heart! I give my soul!
I’m yours, Lord, through and through!

The Weight of Glory

Have you ever been in the place where you're so caught up in the mucky things in life that you begin to find your identity in your problems?

After my disqualification, I was trying very, very hard not to let this happen to me. I've done it with lots of other situations and I was sick of the depressing feeling and the tears. I didn't want to let it eat me up. As much as I love the comfort of my friends, I didn't want to be selfish and self-centered by trying to draw a lot of attention to myself.

It's hard to stay focused on God regardless of feelings. And by Wednesday, I was getting pretty bad at it. But about halfway through Wednesday, I realized that I could not let this get to me. I literally told myself:

Hannah. You are disqualified. You are not going to Nationals. We live, we learn, we move on. God obviously didn't want you there, so you need to buck up and keep going.

I think I had myself somewhat consoled, when dad ran and told me to get off the internet quick, because we needed to save bandwidth and Mrs. P was on the phone. (she was the assistant tournament director)

Almost the moment my coach said "we need to talk about your IO", I knew my dream of going to nationals was going down the drain. And the moment I heard Mrs. P was on the phone, I was almost positive I knew what she had called about.

....I was right. (::happy dance!::) Mrs. P was calling to tell me that I had received an at large slot for my IO. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

For those of you not in speech, "at large" is when you do well in multiple tournaments (I'm guessing like 4th or higher in at least 2 tournaments - but what does this novice know?) but don't qualify for nationals at the regional tournament. This "at large" slot is a spot in the national tournament!!!!!

So yes, in plain, beautiful, wonderful English: I AM GOING TO NATIONALS!

::calms down::

It absolutely amazes me what God can - and will - do, when we "carry on". Not just "*sniffsniff*, okay, I can do this" kind of thing. Really, totally, and fully realizing that God has a greater purpose, and continuing on in the faith that He will reveal it to you in time.

Saying that "there is a reason, there is a hope, God is still good, He is GOD, and I will worship Him no matter what" is precious in the dark. It's what you hold onto.

I've never felt such peace about accepting God's will before. About letting go, and throwing myself into the trust of my Heavenly Father. And when I did, it suddenly put into perspective all the other things that were only partially surrendered to God. Things like church and friendships. While I've tried to surrender them to God, I always seemed to "find identity" in those problems. This problem was just as emotional - but comparatively smaller than others - which put it into perspective for me what it means to surrender something to God.

It is not until we do that that the morning can come. And no matter how long it takes to dawn, whether it be a month, a year, or 5 days as it did for me, this is my prayer - With everything I am, and everything I have - I dedicate myself to doing one thing well: I will love you.

God is good. So, so good.

So, I thought since I've got the time (and perhaps a small amount of my brain), I thought I'd update y'all on the tournament. I'm kind of tired and have to get up at 6 tomorrow, so excuse the...oh, how do you say it? Un-glamorous, quickly typed update. :P So if I say anything weird, attribute it to the lateness of the hour and lack of a fully functional brain. heehee....

Wednesday went much better than I was expecting. You have no idea how much of a blessing it is to be in a church you are familiar with! The church we are competing at is 2 minutes away from my house. So if we've forgotten something, we can just go home and get it....we can go home for lunch. Oh, it's lovely. I've also halfway grown up in this church since I was around 4 or 5. I've never actually attended, but I've done so many activities there, that I know my way around quite well. :D

My first IO round was pretty good. I had Mrs. C for my judge, and she has the brightest eyes and the most encouraging smile. It was extremely comforting. You have no idea how much your judges impact your speech. Seriously, they can almost make or break it. I'm slowly learning to be immune to that and ignore it more - one guy looked like he was falling asleep. I even got a ballot back with FLOWERS drawn on it.

Anyway, the rest of the rounds went pretty well also.

Today was nearly uneventful. The morning was a bit stressful, because we had last minute duo practices that weren't going so well. But I got to sleep in since my round didn't start until 2pm. :D It's so weird, though, I'm so much more tired when I have less to do. I only had to give 2 speeches ALL DAY. So I'm really tired. (isn't that odd?) Tomorrow should be much better, since I'm giving 4. I guess it's that adrenaline rush - speech energy that keeps you going.

God has blessed me in so many ways this year - He has always faithfully brought me through the stressful night-before-tournament work, through rounds, weird judges, memory slips, and odd audience mishaps. I have made some of the best friends I could ever ask for. And hey - He's brought regionals practically to my door. What an awesome God we serve.

Thanks SO much for all your prayers. It means a lot to me. I'm having a fabulous time and I LOVE speech. It's a great tournament. And there's still 2 lovely days left. :)

While we're on the subject of prayers, my friend Brenna is in Illinois right now, at Summit, for National Bible Quizzing, and I know she would really appreciate your prayers. I think she's flying home tomorrow.

Signing off!
-Hannah
PS - tomorrow's rounds are at 8:00am and 4:00pm :)

(Don't) Look Back and Wonder...

There's 3 sides to "bittersweet", you know. There's "bittersweet", "bittersweet", and then just "bittersweet". Today was "bittersweet". The sort of tears you cry not because you're angry, not because you're sad, not because you're happy....just a sharp sort of throb in your heart where people used to be. It's like when you see someone and you're overjoyed to see them but it makes you realize how much you miss them and you can't seem to get enough of their company before you have to leave them again.

I need to make a list of all the precious few, absolutely FABULOUS days I have.

Today, I saw a bunch of my amazing good friends I haven't seen in a long time, got more hugs than I've had since I left church, and probably cried more than I have in the past month. I also got to talk to my big sister on the phone and do some catching up with another good friend I haven't seen in a year.

I saw so, so many people today that I miss a lot. But it was still a good day. A bittersweet day.

5-second-hug

Have you ever gone blog hopping?

It's lots of fun. Sometimes the results are productive, others not.

Here's how you do it:

• Start with a friend's blog. Preferably one with lots of followers, because this expands your options.

• Click a random follower, and continue to explore their profiles until you find one who blogs.

• Find a random blog. Find followers of that blog. Look at the comments of people on the blog. You never know the interesting people you might find. =D

Today, I started with Gray's Blog, and in that particular post, she was featuring this blog. So of course, I browsed around, and then looked the author's profile.

And in looking around on that profile, I discovered the same author also writes on this blog. So while browsing through that one, I found this picture. I was quite amused, and noticed there was a comment. So, I clicked on it, and after a bit more browsing around, found this girl's blog.

Her name is Skylar Marks, and she's a 13-year old singer and songwriter. She recorded her first album when she was 8, and she wrote all the songs and played all the instruments herself.


I particularly liked the song "5-second-hug", written when she was 7.

Crying tears of sadness
your heart is completely closed
go to the place
while embracing the world with joy

Ten-hour wait
Five-second hug
But it's really worth it
Ten-hour wait
Five-second hug
Enjoy the moment
While it's there

You can listen to it here. Click on the "Skywriting" album, and it's the first song on the list.

She doesn't have a phenomenal voice, she's not widespread, and she's not all over news articles and videos. But she loves her family, and sings with the more sincerity and depth than I've seen in a little girl. I love how un-edited everything sounds. I think she lives in Hawaii, and is the most adorable tomboy.

I know I certainly didn't have that much insight as an 8 year old. Or even as a 13 year old. Some of my other favorites are "Melt Away", "How It All Began", "Watching You", and "To Know You"

Go to the place
while embracing the world with joy

-Hannah