It's radical...crazy...giving Christ my life. Completely. All of it. Absolutely every aspect...forever, always, every breath I breathe.

I like to imagine being absolutely in love with the man God has for me someday in the future. But what about the lover who gave His life for me, who loves me always, who is my strength, my all, my everything?

Can I honestly say - There is no one else who has my heart?

Listen to Absolutely, by Starfield

Skeletons

I've cast about for ways to figure out a way to word the sort of thoughts that have been swimming in my head the past few weeks. God is amazing, and He has been teaching me some super amazing things. They're sort of painful things, but I'm finding how...oh...how powerful such simple truths that God says are. Like "I value you. So much that I died for you. Despite how wretched you are."

When I was littler (is that a word? littler?), I remember feeling rather proud of myself for coming up with a "quote" of my own...or at least, a sort of tangible form to represent what God was teaching me, something that sounded good and made sense...at least to me. I remember saying to myself,

"You never really learn something until you learn it for yourself."

I liked the sort of somewhat oxymoron it sounded like when I first said it. What I meant was how no lessons can compare to the lesson of good 'ole personal experience. People tell us to learn from others mistakes - which is great, of course. If you can avoid making mistakes by watching others, that's fabulous. But there's some kind of...strength, of maturity, of knowledge that comes when you learn from your own mistakes. Or not even mistakes, but the experience of something...anything, really.

In the book The Red Badge of Courage, guess what a "red badge of courage" is? A battle wound.

Not like that's a great thing...right? I mean, who wants to get a gory, gaping, bloody, excruciatingly painful wound...living with its scars for life? But to the soldiers it represents something: an experience. It represents how they've fought courageously and heroically. It shows that they've sacrificed a part of themselves. It's there to show the pain - but also the healing.

So experience is with us. Once we've experienced something - made that mistake or messed up that time, it adds a bit of maturity to us. (assuming we acknowledge it as a mistake :P) It doesn't even really have to be a mistake or something you mess up, but any kind of day-to-day experience. Because until you've actually sought to grow - stuck yourself out on the war front and sacrificed a part of yourself, there's no experience in that. That's what getting outside your comfort zone means.

I didn't really think I had a comfort zone for awhile. (wow, that was humble, wasn't it.) I mean, I wasn't afraid of public speaking (like that's *all* the phrase "comfort zone" entails) and I wasn't afraid of people, I didn't mind trying new things and pain, change, and frustration - while it was certainly not a comforting thing, didn't really put me *out* of my comfort zone. Because all the things talked about in "Do Hard Things" (which is still an amazing book, btw.) were things that people noticed. Like public speaking.

What I discovered was that the things outside of *my* comfort zone were things completely irrelevant to the world. Like keeping a good attitude, staying off the computer, and disciplining myself. Comfort zone doesn't mean cozy-happy-laze-around-the-house-place. People who refuse to go outside of their comfort zones can look like totally secure people and be hugely successful. But comfort zone means whatever you're willing to do within your natural-instinctive-things-that-make-you-feel-good.

For instance, volunteering to the be the first one in the entire school to give a speech for the new speech class when I was in 7th grade (not to mention being the new kid) was not something that was outside of my comfort zone. I sort of thrived off of being a leader and trying daring sort of things.

But comfort zones are different for different people.

I'm starting to realize how little God can teach me unless I'm willing to be taught. (wow, strike me with a lightning bolt...) And willing to be taught means letting go of what I think God's going to teach me. And that sticks me way outside my comfort zone. Because it means I have to let go of that controlling-analytical-logical part of...myself.

You know that stereotypical-temporary-heart-changing-inspiring-youth-group-message? It goes something like this.

"We know all the Christian lingo. We sing all the songs, learn all the verses, know how to talk. But are we really living it? Are we really living in light of what Christ has done for us? We need to live lives for JESUS!"

That sort of thing. You know? I think there are multiple stages of the "typical Christian" stage. Because for a long time I was somewhere in between. The I-want-to-seek-Christ-but-I'm-not-sure-what-that-entails sort of thing.

But I'm starting to (slowly) learn what it really means to live for Christ. God's been showing me tons of little aspects of my life that He wants me to do differently, give up, or start doing. To live in light of the experiences, the blessings, and the gifts He's given me.

That...living for Christ doesn't mean that I...oh, there aren't words for it....it doesn't mean that I live by emotions and sort of wind-on-the-mountaintop sort of days. That's certainly a part of it. But living for Christ means surrendering my desires in exchange for Christ's. My views for His.

I'm an analyzer. I'm CDO (it's OCD, but in alphabetical order, like it should be), a perfectionist...I like logical ideas and things I can wrap my mind around. Things that make sense to me, that you can form a logical, scientific, and convincing argument for.

But that's the very thing that God wants me to give up. There are some things in life that I just can't analyze, understand, or argue for. And if I refuse to allow God's way of doing things to replace that, I'm never going to get anywhere.

Okay, so I'm not even sure if that made sense....and as I look back and read it it sounds just as cliche and typical as any other stereotypical-temporary-heart-changing-inspiring-youth-group-message.

But those words have more meaning to me than the stereotypical-temporary-heart-changing-inspiring-youth-group-message - because of what Christ is doing, and how He's changing me. Because when I'm willing to give up what I think is right, God replaces it with what He knows is right. And the peace and joy is kind of overwhelmingly awesome. :)

Words are just skeletons. It is not until we experience them for ourselves in our life - or God gives us some sort of revelation, that we begin to see the depth in the meaning of words. -my mom

A Lot of Logs.

The following is an cut/pasted excerpt from my original oratory in speech this year that I have been giving this week. And as I give it, I keep seeing God use it to speak to myself, to learn from it. Like a lot. This speech tournament has been a crazy up and down of emotion (they usually aren't like this. Great, huh?) and it's been really hard to keep my focus on Christ....to stay positive. You could pray for that today, as I go into semis and finals. (if I go to semis and finals. =P )


Have you ever noticed how one little thing can turn your day for the better – or for the worst?

I can be having a great day, and someone can say one thing – and it can ruin the rest of my day. Sometimes it can ruin the rest of my week. Why? Because my feelings are based off of circumstances.

Joy, however, is different. Joy does not come from happenings or circumstances, and it does not disappear in the blink of a mood.

It is one of the hardest things in the world to choose to be cheerful when circumstances turn against us. But when you take that simple step of obedience in surrendering to Christ that He will bring joy into your life.

Habakkuk 3:17-18 says Though the fig tree may not blossom, Nor fruit be on the vines; Though the labor of the olive may fail, And the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, And there be no herd in the stalls—Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. (NKJV Hab 3:17)

In this translation, the New King James Version, the word “joy” is used as a verb: indicating that it is an action.

It sounds cliché to say that I realized that God is with me no matter what the circumstance, and that He does have a perfect plan for everything. But this becomes such a beautiful truth when you simply don’t know what God is doing and you are left with no choice but to trust Him. I discovered that when I was willing to give up my circumstance-based feelings completely to Him – to surrender my desire for happiness for His desire for my life: He returned it with joy – joy that can only come from Him.

Happiness is a feeling – joy is a choice. We've seen how the choice of joy and a relationship with God can become real in our lives by seeking to the One who can satisfy us completely. When we are willing to take that action, to come before God and surrender ourselves to Him, realizing that there is a greater – eternal – purpose that will bring glory to God: He will give us joy. A happiness beyond words.

John 16:22 - Therefore you now have sorrow - but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice! And your joy no one will take from you.

No fear. No retreat.

I can't even begin to describe how amazing this song is, and how much it has impacted me in the last....20 hours that I've known it's existence?



To give unselfishly
to serve the least of these
Jesus I'm learning how to live with open hands
All these treasures that I own
will never satisfy my soul
Jesus I lay them at your throne with open hands

I hold onto so much in this life - but it will never, ever fully satisfy me. Earth has nothing I desire but Christ. [Ps. 73:25]

I lift my hands open wide
let the whole world see
how you love, how you died, how you set me free
free at last, I surrender all I am with open hands, with open hands

God is slowly teaching me that I have absolutely no value outside of who I am in Him. I have no reason for existing besides to glorify Him. Nothing - and I mean absolutely nothing is worth doing if it's not to show what Christ has done for me.

I was reading in my devotional the other day, and it was talking about how, when we're in love with someone - we go pretty out of our way to show it. We buy them things, spend time with them, do things for them. And we talk about them to like, everyone. But do we show that same love to God? Are we so in love with Him that we can't stop talking, thinking, and ordering every aspect of our life to Him?

To finally let go of my plans
these earthly kingdoms built of sand
Jesus at your cross I stand with open hands

Let go of my plans. GAH. Why is that so hard?

You took the nails, You bore the crown
You hung your head, Your love poured out
You took my place, You paid the price
so Jesus now I will give my life

Jesus, I give you my life. Do you know that means my life?! Like, all of it? Like, every single aspect, nitpicky detail of it? From what I eat to where I live to how I live to the thoughts I think?

Francis Chan, the author of the book Crazy Love, recently preached this sermon - his last at this church - and it is so, so powerful.

"There are no cowards in heaven"



Forsaking all. Abandoning all. Giving up everything, surrendering it all for the one who can fill me completely: Christ.

He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. ~Jim Elliot

Earth has nothing I desire besides You.

Jesus, You are strength in my weakness. The refuge I seek. Everything in my time of need. All I need.

[Psalm 73:25]

Excitement TO THE MAX!

And no! It's not a Narnia post!! Nothing makes me more excited than an opportunity to seek Christ, meet other Christians, and grow more. Oh my word. I am so excited!

THE REBELUTION CONFERENCE IS COMING TO OREGON!!!!

Which means we can FINALLY go!!! Last year they didn't come to Oregon or Washington, or anywhere in the northwest, so it was sort of out of the question. The year before I hadn't quite gotten into it or really understood the vision.



This year is possibly their last tour x( buuuuut I am really really excited for the opportunity to be able to go. So, so excited. AAAHH! Can you just see me now?? Oh. My. Goodness. :)

Check out the site HERE. AHH. I really, really hope it works out because I would give so much to go to that conference.

Merry Christmas, world. (:

I think my favorite part about Christmas is definitely Christmas Eve service: and I've especially enjoyed it at my church the past two years.

I love to sit in the balcony - where we always do - and look over the edge to see the a thousand tiny lights filling the whole room with a beautiful glow.

I love watching as the choir members come down, and light their candle from the advent candles. And for awhile it's just 3 or 4 little lights making their way down the aisle. But slowly, the light starts to spread. And as we swing into another verse of The First Noel, it spreads more. Until, by the time we have begun Silent Night, the whole room glows.

And you think.

One light. That's all I am. Not enough to pierce the darkness myself. But when we join together with thousands of other lights and hold them up high: look at the difference it makes.

One of my friends posted recently about Christmas - and how it doesn't feel quite so Christmassy this year.

The past couple years have been especially so for me. It might be for lack of church family, the fizzling out of traditions, or the fact that presents aren't quite so exciting as they used to be.

I think it's the lack of anticipation.

Christmas is all about anticipation. The preparation, the planning. Shopping, wrapping, finding something just right for someone and keeping it a secret for the whole month.

My friend and I like to get each other presents for our birthdays and Christmas. But half the fun of the presents is the fact that we taunt each other to no end about what it is. We drop each other casual hints, random hints, irrelevant hints, and send each other intentionally blurry pictures of it. They aren't generally very big presents, but we always find ourselves in delightful anticipation of whatever it is that is to come.

The birth of the Messiah was an anticipated event for years and years. Prophets wrote about it and scholars studied it. The Israelites waited and waited for the promised Messiah to come and save them from those who oppressed them.

Last year, my family started celebrating advent - something we'd never done at our old church. But our new church did, so we tried it out. I always thought advent was just counting down till Christmas - but it's so much more than that.

Every night, we read a section from our storybook: a historical fiction about a young boy and his adventures as he learns about the coming Messiah and eventually gets to meet the child who will be His Savior.

The amazing thing that I loved about this was the anticipation. The focus wasn't on the presents, Christmas day, or whatever it was we were getting. The focus was on the coming Messiah. That a Savior would soon be born during their lifetimes.

And it brought into a different light the anticipation of Jesus' birth and the beauty of it. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be there, in the stable, when Jesus was born? To read the Torah and to wonder when this Messiah would come?

The days until Christmas are filled with the waiting and anticipation of discovering the contents of the packages under the tree. But Advent is about the anticipation of Christ's birth.

Which....is what I love about Christmas.