Skeletons

I've cast about for ways to figure out a way to word the sort of thoughts that have been swimming in my head the past few weeks. God is amazing, and He has been teaching me some super amazing things. They're sort of painful things, but I'm finding how...oh...how powerful such simple truths that God says are. Like "I value you. So much that I died for you. Despite how wretched you are."

When I was littler (is that a word? littler?), I remember feeling rather proud of myself for coming up with a "quote" of my own...or at least, a sort of tangible form to represent what God was teaching me, something that sounded good and made sense...at least to me. I remember saying to myself,

"You never really learn something until you learn it for yourself."

I liked the sort of somewhat oxymoron it sounded like when I first said it. What I meant was how no lessons can compare to the lesson of good 'ole personal experience. People tell us to learn from others mistakes - which is great, of course. If you can avoid making mistakes by watching others, that's fabulous. But there's some kind of...strength, of maturity, of knowledge that comes when you learn from your own mistakes. Or not even mistakes, but the experience of something...anything, really.

In the book The Red Badge of Courage, guess what a "red badge of courage" is? A battle wound.

Not like that's a great thing...right? I mean, who wants to get a gory, gaping, bloody, excruciatingly painful wound...living with its scars for life? But to the soldiers it represents something: an experience. It represents how they've fought courageously and heroically. It shows that they've sacrificed a part of themselves. It's there to show the pain - but also the healing.

So experience is with us. Once we've experienced something - made that mistake or messed up that time, it adds a bit of maturity to us. (assuming we acknowledge it as a mistake :P) It doesn't even really have to be a mistake or something you mess up, but any kind of day-to-day experience. Because until you've actually sought to grow - stuck yourself out on the war front and sacrificed a part of yourself, there's no experience in that. That's what getting outside your comfort zone means.

I didn't really think I had a comfort zone for awhile. (wow, that was humble, wasn't it.) I mean, I wasn't afraid of public speaking (like that's *all* the phrase "comfort zone" entails) and I wasn't afraid of people, I didn't mind trying new things and pain, change, and frustration - while it was certainly not a comforting thing, didn't really put me *out* of my comfort zone. Because all the things talked about in "Do Hard Things" (which is still an amazing book, btw.) were things that people noticed. Like public speaking.

What I discovered was that the things outside of *my* comfort zone were things completely irrelevant to the world. Like keeping a good attitude, staying off the computer, and disciplining myself. Comfort zone doesn't mean cozy-happy-laze-around-the-house-place. People who refuse to go outside of their comfort zones can look like totally secure people and be hugely successful. But comfort zone means whatever you're willing to do within your natural-instinctive-things-that-make-you-feel-good.

For instance, volunteering to the be the first one in the entire school to give a speech for the new speech class when I was in 7th grade (not to mention being the new kid) was not something that was outside of my comfort zone. I sort of thrived off of being a leader and trying daring sort of things.

But comfort zones are different for different people.

I'm starting to realize how little God can teach me unless I'm willing to be taught. (wow, strike me with a lightning bolt...) And willing to be taught means letting go of what I think God's going to teach me. And that sticks me way outside my comfort zone. Because it means I have to let go of that controlling-analytical-logical part of...myself.

You know that stereotypical-temporary-heart-changing-inspiring-youth-group-message? It goes something like this.

"We know all the Christian lingo. We sing all the songs, learn all the verses, know how to talk. But are we really living it? Are we really living in light of what Christ has done for us? We need to live lives for JESUS!"

That sort of thing. You know? I think there are multiple stages of the "typical Christian" stage. Because for a long time I was somewhere in between. The I-want-to-seek-Christ-but-I'm-not-sure-what-that-entails sort of thing.

But I'm starting to (slowly) learn what it really means to live for Christ. God's been showing me tons of little aspects of my life that He wants me to do differently, give up, or start doing. To live in light of the experiences, the blessings, and the gifts He's given me.

That...living for Christ doesn't mean that I...oh, there aren't words for it....it doesn't mean that I live by emotions and sort of wind-on-the-mountaintop sort of days. That's certainly a part of it. But living for Christ means surrendering my desires in exchange for Christ's. My views for His.

I'm an analyzer. I'm CDO (it's OCD, but in alphabetical order, like it should be), a perfectionist...I like logical ideas and things I can wrap my mind around. Things that make sense to me, that you can form a logical, scientific, and convincing argument for.

But that's the very thing that God wants me to give up. There are some things in life that I just can't analyze, understand, or argue for. And if I refuse to allow God's way of doing things to replace that, I'm never going to get anywhere.

Okay, so I'm not even sure if that made sense....and as I look back and read it it sounds just as cliche and typical as any other stereotypical-temporary-heart-changing-inspiring-youth-group-message.

But those words have more meaning to me than the stereotypical-temporary-heart-changing-inspiring-youth-group-message - because of what Christ is doing, and how He's changing me. Because when I'm willing to give up what I think is right, God replaces it with what He knows is right. And the peace and joy is kind of overwhelmingly awesome. :)

Words are just skeletons. It is not until we experience them for ourselves in our life - or God gives us some sort of revelation, that we begin to see the depth in the meaning of words. -my mom