1 down, 33 more to go.

I really haven't been posting much of my own words lately. Either that or it's just a heavy criticism of other people's words. You're probably sick of the fangirl and music posts. And the infrequency.

Sadly, the only excuse I have for this is my own wall of fear (and maybe a touch of college work).

"What if nobody reads it?

"What if they don't understand what I'm trying to say?"

"What if they don't like it?"

...and probably the greatest one:

"What if they disagree, or they hate it, but instead of telling me so, continue their lives in quiet disdain of my own???"

Silly me. Not only have I created (hopefully) imaginary critics in my mind, but I have let those imaginary critics shape me. I'm letting myself be tied down by things that might not even exist.

Yes you, little imaginary reader, (wait, you're not imaginary. What I mean is, your imaginary critical self. Wait, are you critical in real life? This is getting complicated.) have unknowingly shaped my fears as a human being.

I have -- get this -- 33 drafts in my blogger folders. Thirty-three.

Some of them date back to 2010, but most of them are within the past few months...thoughts that I've kept to myself -- partially due to my overkilling perfectionism, but mostly for fear that my own lack of coherency will somehow make you think I must not be a decent person.

What is this...this fear of other people's opinions? I feel as if we all keep our deep dark secrets to ourselves, for fear that nobody else feels the same way...when in reality, we are all keeping the exact same deep dark secret.

I realized the other day what a petty thing it is to live for. Internet acceptance, I mean. Seriously? To incessantly check my email and/or blog in hopes that someone has clicked the "like" button is really just sickening. Why do I care? (I'll write more about that later...actually, I think it's in one of those 33 drafts...ha.)

Who am I to limit myself to the criticism of others? Am I going to let my own preconceived ideas of comments that don't even exist shape my own discovery of truth?

No siree!

So here come a few of those 33 drafts. Some of them are ones I was planning to post anyway and just never got around to it, but the idea is to get the guts to post stuff I'm unsure about.

We'll see how this goes.